Open SFX script
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Listen



GK: It's cold in St. Paul. Some friends of mine are here for the weekend from Columbus, Georgia, and they are experiencing minus twenty degrees for the first time. (SHIVERING) An exciting time for them. The bells on the old federal courthouse sound different in the cold. (DONGING, PAINED) And the Numeral One on the First Bank Building is blinking slower than usual. (SHORT, OFF, SHORT, OFF, SHORT, OFF) Here in St. Paul, we don't mean that Number One literally — we know better — St. Paul is just a big little town. And when it's this cold wolves roam the streets (HOWL), but you just avoid eye contact and don't get involved-even if a wolf gets right in your face (WOLF PANTING, SNIFFING), just keep moving, pretend you don't notice, walk away, and eventually they'll lose interest. People from Georgia ask: how can you stand it when it's this cold? The secret is to close the pores of your skin and you do that with a good cold shower in the morning. (SHOWER, SCREAM) Thirty seconds of excruciating pain for a whole day of comfort — not a bad deal — if you live near a lake, even better (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) — you get out of bed and walk naked across the ice as you're playing your bagpipes (BAGPIPES) and you march over the ice to the big hole you've cut and — (SPLASH, SCREECH) the bagpipes act as a flotation device — and now you're ready for the day. Ready to go cross-country skiing. (SKIING) We don't do downhill skiing here in Minnesota. If we do, we don't do it for very long. About fifteen seconds.

GK: There's more horizontality here so people go gliding across the snow (SKIING). An easy sport and here's how to do it. Just put your ski wax on the center of the ski (WAXING) and the glide wax on the tips (WAXING) and then snap on your skis (CLICK, CLICK)-and keep the skis parallel. Don't cross your tips. (TK P.A.: Do not cross your tips.) And put your weight on the balls of your feet. (TK P.A.: Balls of your feet.) And now get going. (SKIING) It's cold but you'll warm up once you get going. (SKIING) It's a gentle and exuberant and majestic sport, experiencing the dazzling tranquillity of nature in winter — (OWL) — the fresh air — the majestic pines— wolf ahead (HOWL) — (SKIING FASTER) — don't panic— don't look at him — it's okay — he's more afraid of you than you are of him — (FASTER SKIING, PANIC) he's only running after you because he's being playful — (FASTER SKIING, PANIC) — look out— you're heading down a long slippery slope — (PANIC) — this is downhill now— (SKI SWOOSHING, FAST) — and there's a lake straight ahead— (RISING PANIC) —with a big hole cut in the ice— (SKIING FAST) do you remember how to snowplow? (TK: What?) — snowplow— just what the name suggests— (TK: How do I do that?) — I'll explain later. (BIG SPLASH, SCREECH) — Okay. Now you're ready for the day. Minnesota in winter. It's okay— the worst that happens serves to make everything afterward seem not that bad.