Rhubarb script
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Listen

GK: So it's January, which means it's time to return all those Christmas gifts that just didn't quite work out-the soap kebab with the fruit slices in it, (TR: What the heck?) the fleece dickey with the jingle bells along the collar (BELLS) (TR: Wow, this is....unique), the book on anger management that your kids gave you (SS: It's good, dad, read it. Really, you should.), the aftershave from your wife that stings (PAINFUL WINCING)—it's all got to go back. So you get in your car to head to the Mall of North America, and you get there and you park in the Salamander lot and you go in and the place is bustling. Children are playing at Legoland (HAPPY CHILDREN). Young couples are chowing down on four-pound cinnamon buns (SNARFLING). The mallwalkers are out — geezers in jogging suits are ankling around, pumping their arms (GEEZERS, MARCHING FEET)— and you're heading for the Aftershave hut and you see TV cameras up ahead and (CROWD MURMURS) a guy at a microphone and a woman wearing a tiara and — they're all looking at you —

TK (ON P.A.): And I believe this is he coming our way, Mall Visitor No. One Billion. (CROWD EXCITEMENT) This way, sir!

GK: And you look and they have a big stack of gifts for you and it's stuff like the stuff you're trying to return.

TK (ON P.A.): No— this way, sir— (STARTLED CROWD)—Stop That Man!!!!

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

GK: And you run as fast as you can —through the mall-walkers (PUSH, GEEZER REACTION) and past the cinnamon bun girl (SPLORT, SS: CRY, TR: SORRY) ) and you run through the fountain (SPLASHING) and the mall cops are chasing you—(SIRENS, SS: Put your hands up) and you run through LegoLand (CRASHING, CHILDREN SCREAMING), and you knock over the organ grinder (ORGAN, CRUNCH) and his monkey jumps on you and sinks his teeth into your back (CHOMP, WINCE) and photographers are shooting like crazy (FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY) — and you're flailing like a wild man (CRAZY MAN) so you head for that hanging vine in the atrium, and you leap up and you grab it with one hand (MONKEY SHRIEKS), and you swing high above the food court below (TARZAN CRY, MONKEY CHATTERING)-and the monkey pulls your shirt up over your head (TR WHOAHHH) and you land on a glass figurine stall (GLASS BREAKAGE) and you're lying there and you have four unicorns sticking out of your chest (WINCING IN PAIN)— and the TV cameras catch up to you (FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY)

TK: How does it feel to be a winner, sir? Sir? Can you hear me? (MONKEY CHATTERING)

GK: And you try to focus your eyes and the woman with the tiara comes over and she says-

SS: Uh, Glen? We made a mistake. It's that guy over there.

TK: That guy?

SS: Over there in the red pants. Sorry. This guy's 999,9999,999.

TK: Oh. (A BEAT) Whoops.

(THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of impending doom out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(SINGS) One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

ALL:

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.