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Steroids script
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Listen
GK: You probably have read about the FCC's investigation of steroids in broadcasting and so people have pointed a finger at our show — aspersions have been cast — (SPLAT) —there's been talk (HIGH-PITCHED FAST GIBBERISH) — talk about Tom Keith. A man who can sound like a moose (MOOSE) piloting helicopter (HELICOPTER), being chased (MOOSE RUNNING) by a chimpanzee shooting rockets (SFX), the moose parachutes (SFX) and lands on a passing train (MOOSE JUMPS ON TRAIN), which is on a track that goes right off a cliff (TRAIN OFF CLIFF, MOOSE)-and into the sea (SPLASH) and becomes a submarine (KLAXON. "DIVE, DIVE") —he can do that and so one might suspect steroid use. We might have to have you take a urine test. Later.
TK: I'm busy later. I'm meeting a friend. We're doing some stuff.
GK: Stuff.
TK: We're gonna split stacks of two by fours with our foreheads. Like this. (CRACK, SPLINTERING) See?
GK: Okay. Never mind. So that's the answer to that. But there's always the question of Sue Scott.
SS (DEEP): I have at no time used steroids. But a balanced diet and regular exercise have enabled me to talk like a man, walk like a man, throw the pigskin 50 yards, and spit with accuracy. (SHE HAWKS, SPITS, PAUSE, DING OF SPITTOON). So be careful when you point the finger at me, unless you want me to grab it and crush it in my fist (CRUNCHING, WINCE). Ya hear me? Huh? Huh? You hear me? Okay.
GK: Sue Scott, denying any steroid use on her part.
(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAM)
GK: Anyway Tim Russell has been suspected of steroid use (TR DEEP RUSSIAN) Some people say you just cannot play all the characters he does without some pharmaceutical help (TR ITALIAN SHOUTING). It's not physically possible (TR FRENCH). To be so many different people at one time. (TR SWEDISH) People listen to Tim and they think how can that many voices come out of one man?
TR (BUSH): It's the steroids, stupid. Get it?
GK: But it's not steroids. Tim has made that clear again and again.
TR (NIXON): I am not a crook.
GK: Tim is mounting a full-time campaign to clear his name against accusations of steroid use.
TR (DYLAN, SINGING): It ain't me, babe. No no no, it ain't me, babe. It ain't me you're looking for, babe. (DOOR SLAM) (RD PLAYS PIANO)
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