Ketchup script
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Listen

TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. We decided to go to couples counseling. I just wanted someone to tell Barb that I was right about the toaster. That 4 is the perfect setting. And the other numbers are just for show. So if she turns the knob to 3, she shouldn't be surprised if I'm angry for a few weeks. So just keep the knob on 4. And then the therapist said, "let's talk about your father, Jim," and we walked out. Which was a relief. And Barb was pretty understanding about the whole thing. From now on, I make the toast. And she makes the coffee and cuts the grapefruit. We should have been happy. And then one day Barb came home from work all upset. (SS SIGH) Barb honey. What's wrong?

SS: Oh, Jim. Something happened at work, and I'm just sick about it.

TR: What happened, Barb?

SS: Oh it's that girl Leslie. She just sits playing computer solitaire- she takes 2-hour lunches every day—and then when she comes back she has a hickey on her neck and she looks at me like "what are you gonna do about it?"

TR: So talk to her, Barb. Tell her about your concerns.

SS: That's what I should have done, but instead I—well—

TR: What did you do, Barb?

SS: I attacked her with a stapler.

TR: What?

SS: I know, but she just gave me that look, and the stapler was right there, so I stapled her neck. Three times.

TR: Barb-

SS: I took them right out. I apologized, Jim.

TR: Barb. You could lose your job for that. That's assault.

SS: That's why they sent me to the company psychologist. They want to send me to San Diego for two weeks. To swim with dolphins. Otherwise I'm fired.

TR: That sounds fun, Barb. Dolphins are very positive animals. It will be relaxing.

SS: Relaxing? Jim, a dolphin could grab my ankle and take me down. I could drown!

TR: You'll be fine, Barb. You'll learn a lot about yourself.

SS: I know enough about myself already.

TR: Barb, when you see dolphins leap high into the air for a piece of herring you learn that instinct is the most powerful thing we have going for us. Work is unnatural. We weren't meant to do it. We need to let go.

SS: I have to leave me tomorrow, Jim. What am I supposed to do?

TR: I have some herring in the fridge, Barb. How about I put some ketchup on them and you stand over there and I'll throw them into your mouth-

RD: These are the good times
For sweaters and blue jeans
Beautiful parkas
From fashion magazines.
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on sardines.


GK: Ketchup, for the good times.

RD: Ketchup, ketchup.