Swansons script
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Listen

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): And now Buzzardt — the name to trust when it comes to Beeswax Chapstick — brings you another episode in the drama of: (REVERB) The Swansons. The story of Brad and LaVonne Swanson, who, at the age of 48, were making one last stab at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, until last week, when Brad steered LaVonne directly into the boards (CRASH), and their low scores disqualified them from the running. (BOOS) Refusing to give up on their dreams of gold, Brad and LaVonne snuck over to the luge event, where they're now waiting in line for their turn in the half pipe.

(CHEERING, OFF)

SS: I don't know, Brad. We never did the luge before.

GK: It's fine, LaVonne. Gravity does the work, you just lie down and then it's over.

SS: We're figure skaters, Brad. It's a totally different skill set.

GK: You've been on a toboggan you've done this, LaVonne. Just tighten your helmet there.

SS: Why aren't you wearing a helmet?

GK: It looks stupid on me. I just don't feel right with something on my head, okay? Relax. We're going to be great.

TR (FLAT, ON INTERCOM): Coming onto the pipe right now in the doubles category. It's Brad and LaVonne Swanson. From Muskegon, Wisconsin.

GK: That's us.

SS: Okay. (SIGH) Just breathe, LaVonne. Breathe. Positive thoughts. Focus. Smile.

TR (FLAT, ON INTERCOM): 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, (BUZZ)

(SLED CREEPS FORWARD)

SS: Why am I lying on top?

GK: Push with your arms-

(SLED RUMBLES)

SS: Shouldn't you be on the top?

GK: Just lie down.

SS: Brad, this was not a good idea.

GK: Just lie on top of me. Lean—

SS: Okay, I'm leaning—I'm leaning—

(SLED ACCELLERATES, CHEERING)

GK: (OOF) Not so far—

SS: You told me to lie back—

GK: You're right on my bladder—

SS: You didn't go before we got out here?

GK: I'm okay

(FULL-SPEED LUGE)

SS: You get your whole spandex suit on, and NOW you have to pee? It's so like you Brad.

GK: I'm fine. Here comes a turn—

(BANKING TURN, SS SCREAMS, SLED EVENS OUT)

SS: Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

GK: How's my hair?

SS: What?

GK: Never mind. Uh oh.

SS: Now what?

GK: Bank!

SS: What?

GK: Bank!

(BANKING TURN, SLED EVENS OUT, SS BREATHES HARD)

GK: We did it. One down.

SS: Oh my gosh.

GK: Can you do something for me right now?

SS: Try to focus, Brad. We're going 80 miles an hour.

GK: Just look and see if there's something in my nose. I can feel something in there.

SS: Nobody cares, Brad.

GK: I care. They have really powerful cameras now.

SS: Oh, give me a break—

GK: We could be doing great and then the headline is "Brad Swanson wins luge despite giant booger"

SS: Shut up, Brad.

GK: A bad PR photograph means we could lose lucrative endorsement contracts-I'd have to go back to teaching driver's education—

SS: Brad, shut up.

GK: Corner!

SS: Where?

GK: Right here!—

(BANKING TURN, SS SCREAMS, SLED EVENS OUT, SS BREATHES HARD)

SS: We almost flew out of the pipe, Brad-

GK: Just turn your head and look up my nose?

SS: I'm not turning around-

GK: Just a spot check.

SS: Brad, stop groping me.

GK: If you could just turn around and look--Just turn your head. Really easy.

SS: Fine, just-hang on—

GK: It's the left nostril. You see it?

SS: I don't know—oh wait—there's—whoa-whoa!

GK: Quick, bank, bank!

(SLED WOBBLES, SS SCREAMS, CRASH, CRUNCH, AUDIENCE HORROR)

SS: Oh my gosh. Ow. (GK WINCES IN PAIN) You okay?

GK: I'm fine. My leg is a little-- (SS SHRIEK) Oh boy. That bad?

SS: I'm gonna faint. I think I'm gonna faint.

(REPORTERS RUN UP)

TR (NEWSCASTER): Lyle LeVol here from Cable Access News. Quite a spectacular wipeout, I've never seen anything like it.

SS: Can we get an ambulance here?

TR (NEWSCASTER): Holy moly. Looks like a compound fracture. Bone sticking right out of the skin. Zoom in on that, Mike.

GK: (IN PAIN) I didn't see that last turn.

SS: Just don't talk Brad.

TR (NEWSCASTER): How does it feel to know that your bone is poking outside your leg from a gaping, jagged gash?

SS: Just sit back, Brad. You're going into shock.

(PARAMEDICS ARRIVE)

TK: Hold still, Brad. I'm Dr. Medford, emergency chiropractor, and I'm just going to set this for you (CRUNCH)

(GK SCREAMING)

SS: Oh my gosh.

GK: We were so close. Just inches from the finish line—

TK:Wait, I didn't get that straight. Let's do it again. (CRUNCH, GK SCREAMING, CROWD WINCES)

SS: Oh Brad—I'm so sorry—

GK: Just wipe my nose, LaVonne-Reach into my nose and get that thing-

SS: Hold still. Yeah. You do have something in your nose.

TR (NEWSCASTER): He most definitely does. Get a shot of that, Mike.

(THEME UP)

TR (ANNC): Will Brad walk again? Or will his leg heal in a way that makes it stronger than ever, and so give them yet another stab at the Figure Skating Championships? Find out on the next episode of: (REVERB) The Swansons.