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Coast Guard script
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Listen
GK: We have with us today 4-Star Admiral Thad W. Allen and Master Chief Charles Bowen of the United States Coast Guard, along with several other high-ranking Coast Guard officers-and I can't think of a better time to talk about the need for a major Coast Guard installation in Minnesota. Yes, there is a Coast Guard station in Duluth on Lake Superior (FOGHORN), the world's largest freshwater lake, but what about Rainy Lake in the north, on the front line of this nation's defenses against the rapacious Canadians.
(LOW THROBBING MUSIC)
GK: Rainy Lake — eighty kilometers in length — eighty kilometers of international waters defended only by a few fishermen (TK DRUNK: Hey— getting any bites? Want me to bite you? Ha ha ha ha ha.) — and by families of loons (LOON) — and so it's no wonder that Rainy Lake is a revolving door for thousands of senior citizens who head north to buy cheap prescription drugs from Canada (GEEZERS MUTTERING ABOUT AILMENTS). In the summer they go by motorboat (MOTORBOAT), or seaplane (SMALL PLANE), and in the winter they take snowmobiles (SNOWMOBILE), or dogsled (SLED DOGS)-and a few cross on foot using a walker with tennis balls on one end—(WIND, SHUFFLING, WOLF).
GK: They go to Ontario for the day, and stuff their support hose with Paxil and Synthroid and Lipitor and Baycol (SENIORS MUMBLING)-and then they go home and take the drugs, which are powerful (GEEZER CONFUSION) and which program them to go to their computers (GEEZER) and wire money to Canada (CLICK) and meanwhile illegal Canadians, what we call Frostbacks, ride across the border on the backs of Elk (ELK), and bison (BISON), carrying more prescription drugs in their backpacks, and they meet in fishing houses along Rainy Lake (DOOR OPENS, WIND, DOOR CLOSES) and that's why we need a Rainy Lake Coast Guard Base with high-speed jet-propelled motorboats (MOTORBOAT), and 1000-horsepower snow machines (SNOWMOBILE),
And helicopters (CHOPPER)-armed with heat sensors (BEEPING, SLOWLY ACCELERATING).
GK: It's a dangerous game of cat and mouse—and we entrust it to the U.S. Coast Guard, who is always there when we need them, and right now we need them in Minnesota. The Rainy Lake Inland Coastguard Base Station. Think about it, 4-Star Admiral Thad W. Allen and Master Chief Charles Bowen. Get back to us when you can.
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