Crispy script
Saturday, February 09, 2008
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(THEME)

TR (ANNC): And now, the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout, and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box. And now, today's exciting story.

(WIND)

GK (ECHOES): Hello? Hello? Is anybody up there? I'm down here in this ice crevasse. I fell in when I was going for a walk. Hello? Hello?

SS: Hello? Is somebody down there?

GK (ECHOES) : Yes I'm here. Hello? I'm over here.

SS: What in the world are you doing down there?

GK (ECHOES): I was out for a walk and I had no idea there was a giant ice crevasse here in downtown St. Paul--

SS: Are you all right?

GK (ECHOES): No, of course not. I'm trapped down here and I'm freezing to death.

SS: But you're okay otherwise?

(A BEAT)

GK (ECHOES): Could you please just hurry--

SS: Do you have symptoms of hypothermia?

GK: Call Earl Sanderson, the Eagle Scout--

TR: Did somebody say my name? (DOGBARK, PANTING) Hi, I'm Earl Sanderson, and this is my rescue dog Crispy-

GK (ECHOES): Earl--oh thank God--I'm really cold down here--

TR: Who's that?

GK (ECHOES): It's me. The man at the bottom of a crevasse.

(WOOF WOOF)

TR: Calm down, sir. Always Keep Calm. That's the first rule when you're in a life-threatening situation.

GK (ECHOES): I'm trying to stay calm, but if I stay calm, I'm afraid that you and she might just walk away and go for coffee or something.

SS: I don't drink coffee! I quit coffee three months ago.

GK (ECHOES): Great. Good for you.

SS: One day I thought to myself--I don't need this--

GK (ECHOES): Speaking of don't need this--

TR: Okay, just hang on, sir, I've got the winch right here-(CLANKING)

GK (ECHOES): Oh, good--

SS: Before we rescue you, though, there's some forms to fill out.

GK (ECHOES): My hand has sort of frozen into a claw-I'm not sure I can hold a pen--

(PAPER FLUTTERING, WIND)

SS: Just a few release forms --if you could read it completely and sign the bottom--

GK (ECHOES): What's on it?

SS: You need to put your emergency contacts and also all information relating to your estate plans, in case we don't get you out.

(A BEAT)

GK (ECHOES): What do you mean in case you don't get me out-

TR: I'm setting up the winch here --( CLANKING)--

SS: Like what songs would you like sung and what readings and so forth--

GK (ECHOES): Songs sung at what?

SS: It's just a precaution, sir. You don't even need to sign it-just make an X and that should be enough--

TR: Got the winch all set up here, sir, but I'm going to need your help for the next step-

GK (ECHOES, WOOZY): Fine. Anything. I'm starting to feel a little sleepy--

(WINCHING)

TR: Winch in the hole-coming down--

GK (ECHOES, WOOZY): Not terribly sleepy--just sort of pleasant and warm--comfortable--

(WINCH)

TR: I'm going to need you to tie the rope around your waist using the bowline hitch. Remember that knot? You probably learned that in Boy Scouts--

GK (ECHOES, WOOZY): Trustworthy...loyal...courteous...kind. Cheerful. Obedient. Reverent. (SINGS) Sanctus....sanctus.

(WINCHING)

TR: So to do this knot, you're gonna need to wrap the line around your waist, and take one end with two fingers--

GK (ECHOES, WOOZY): On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country...

TR: Okay now you're going to twist the line, one over the other-and now go around the tree and the rabbit comes out of the hole-- (BARKING) Crispy calm down.

GK (ECHOES, WOOZY): Under the tree and the rabbit goes down the hole--

TR: No the rabbit comes out of the hole--not down--

GK (ECHOES, WOOZY): The rabbit climbs the tree and he finds a hole--

SS: He's not getting it Earl.

TR: He's disoriented.

GK (ECHOES): There's a rabbit. And he says, where's the hole? And the other rabbit says, over here.

SS: Do something, Earl. Quick.

TR: I'm sending Crispy down. Go, Crispy. In the hole, boy. (DOG BARKING, SCRABBLING DOWN INTO HOLE, GK OOF, A BEAT, PANTING)

GK (ECHOES): He landed right on top of me.

TR: He's trained to do that to break the fall.

GK (ECHOES): Might've been nice if you'd warned me.

(PANTING)

TR: You okay Crispy? (BARK BARK) Good. Okay. (PANTING) Tie the knot with your front paws. Bowline hitch, Crispy. (DOG CONCENTRATION)

GK (ECHOES): I don't think he's doing it right.

(DOG CONCENTRATION)

TR: Crispy-around the tree and out of the hole-- (DOG CONCENTRATION)

GK: He's making a smiley face with it--

TR: He's tied that bowline hitch a thousand times.

GK: I don't even think there's a knot here--

TR: Don't worry sir, Crispy knows what he's doing--

GK: It just looks like a big tangle--

TR: Okay, are you projecting negative energy, sir? Dogs are very sensitive to energy, you know.

GK: Of course I'm projecting negative energy. I'm at the bottom of an ice crevasse.

SS: Think happy thoughts sir. Think about bunnies.

GK (ECHOES): I think the knot is probably going to hold just long enough to get me halfway up and then I'm going to fall and probably break my hip or something and I'll be laid up in the hospital for six weeks and catch some rare bacterial infection and --

SS: But don't forget to sign the release form.

GK (ECHOES): Is there a space here where I could write down some final instructions?

SS: On the back.

GK (ECHOES): I'd prefer no eulogy.

SS: A eulogy? Great. I'll see to it.

GK (ECHOES): I said NO eulogy.

SS: You want Nola to do it?

GK (ECHOES): No eulogy.

SS: Nola G? Who is she?

GK (ECHOES): Please. No eulogy.

SS: I'll find her wherever she is, sir. I promise you that. Sir? Can you hear me sir?

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): This has been another episode of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout, and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF)--Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal. The cereal with a valuable prize in every single box.

(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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