Rhubarb script
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Listen

GK: It's the Oscars-Sunday night, the Kodak Theater in Hollywood —and there you are, in your tux walking down the red carpet, people shoving microphones in your face—

TK: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE YOU?

SS: WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR OTHERS?

TK: WHAT'S YOUR NEXT MOVIE?

SS: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

TK: WHO'S GOING TO BE YOUR NEXT WIFE?

GK: And you stand smiling while a thousand photographers snap away. (CACOPHONY OF CAMERAS) And you do some air kisses (SFX, "DARLING" "SWEETHEART" "YOU WERE BRILLIANT" "LOVE YOU") and you finally make it to your seat which is next to Jack Nicholson.

TR (NICHOLSON): A lot of people wonder why I always wear dark glasses to these things and that's because it's not really me, you know what I mean? I'm an actor playing Jack Nicholson. My real name is Wayne Vogelblad. I'm from Winona.

GK: And there's Clint Eastwood standing there in the aisle.

TR (EASTWOOD): You want to sit in my seat, punk. Go ahead, make my day—

GK: And there's Al Gore—

TR (GORE): I know, you were about to ask if I might run for president this year — and the answer is-maybe. I might let those two wear each other out first, and then I'll rise like a Phoenix from the swamp—

GK: And then they do the big movie retrospective thing—

TR (JIMMY STEWART): Dog-gone it, Mr. Potter. In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little spider...

GK: And now it's time for the Best Actor award and you get that sheepish look on your face (TR MODEST MUMBLING, OFF) And Angelina Jolie is opening the envelope.

SS: (BREATHY) And the winner is...(RIP) (SIGH) Tim Russell.

TR: No! Moi???? Oh my gosh.

GK: It's you! You won! (OSCAR MUSIC)-the cameras are flashing (FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY), and you get onstage and she hands you your statuette

SS (BREATHY): Here you go—

TR: I'd like to thank my wife, my manager, my agent, my publicist, my stylist, my personal chef...and my third-grade teacher, Mr. Ruckhart, who always believed in me, and also my 4th grade teacher, Miss Simone, who believed in me too, although maybe not as much as Mr. Ruckhart—

GK: And now people are waving at you from the wings...

TR: Uncle Sherman, for teaching me how to fish, my personal trainer Kembo, where would I be without you- Also my masseuse, and my acupuncturist Susan Cho, you're amazing-my personal juicer-green lemonade all the way, baby—

SS (BREATHY): Okay. (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH) Time to go now.

GK: They're sending the dogs out for you— (GROWLING, WOOFING, BOUNDING)

TR (FASTER): My voice coach, my acting coach, my nutritionist, my astrologist Diamond Star--

GK: The dogs have got you by the pantleg (DOGS GROWLING), but you keep going...

TR (FASTER): My yoga teacher, my sister, my brother, my other brother-my other yoga teacher

GK: You're on national TV (VOICES OF SECURITY MEN) and six big men in black suits are carrying you away (DOGS GROWLING) and just then you remember the one person you forgot to thank...

TR: My mom!!!!

GK: And you tear yourself away (TR EFFORT, DOG WOOF) and your pants come off (BIG RIP) and you run to the microphone —

TR: Thank you, MOM!!!!

GK: And you know—you forgot to put on underwear this morning...

SS (BREATHY): Nice. Really nice.

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

GK: (SINGS) One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

ALL:

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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