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English Majors script
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Listen
GK: ...brought to you by the Partnership of English Majors—(THEME) It's a beautiful thing, majoring in English, devoting yourself to the classics of English literature.
SS:
No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From his vile world, with vilest worms to dwell:
GK: And even though your studies may not lead you to the career you were hoping for —
SS: Welcome to Little Buddy Burgers. Would you be interested in a Bucket O' Burgers today?
GK: Nonetheless you will always be an English major, and that means that language will always be important. Maybe too important.
SS: I don't understand why at the airport they put up a sign that says "This Is A Non-Smoking Terminal"—
TR: What?
SS: "This Is A Non-Smoking Terminal" — why?
TR: What's wrong?
SS: It implies that it's the terminal that is not smoking.
What they mean to say is — "Don't Smoke In This Building" — Or— "No Smoking" — Why not say so?
TR: Jennifer, please—
SS: It just infuriates me when people misuse the language. I can't help it. It makes me wild with fury. It's our language, Richard!!!! Let's use it properly!!! Is that too much to ask???
TR: Jennifer, what are you doing?
SS: I am going to the airport, Richard, and I am going to stand under the "This Is A Non-Smoking Terminal" sign and I am going to light up a cigarette. And when they arrest me, I am going to take this to court and if I'm convicted I will appeal on the grounds that the sign did not say what it meant.
TR: Honey, please.
SS: It's my duty as an English major — when we allow our language to be degraded, it is degrading to us as a people!
TR: Please, don't.
SS: I have to do this.
GK: Now there is help for language obsession with the English Major hotline.
TR (RECORDING): Welcome to the Hotline of English. If you wish to hear this message in Spanish, say "Por Favor" or press one. If you wish to hear it in Italian, say "Prego" or press two. (BEEP) (TR ITALIAN AND FADE)
GK: We learn language tolerance by venturing into another language and making our own mistakes.
SS: (HESITANT) Si prega di scusarmi per essere cosė stupido. (TR ITALIAN DISAPPROVAL) I am trying, okay?!?!? (SOBS)
GK: The English Hotline — available in fifteen different languages — now including Swedish (TR SWEDISH) a service from the Partnership of English Majors.
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Scripts and bits from A Prairie Home Companion celebrate the secret society of men and women who possess excellent spelling and punctuation skills. (You know who you are.)
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