Guy Noir script
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Listen

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME)

GK: It was March, and I was starting to come apart at the seams. My desk was like a sinking ship, with a phone book propping up one corner where I had kicked the leg, and the clock had died at 5:30, and there was a big yellow stain on the ceiling tiles that I hadn't seen before — misery fumes, maybe. The cactus that Sugar gave me when we broke up had died and I leaned over to pick it up and my back went out and I went down--and banged my knee on the empty fish tank, and lay there for a moment, and then the phone rang and I had to let it go to the answering machine:

SS (FLEXNER): Mr. Noir. It's Dr.Flexner, the psychiatrist on the 10th floor. I couldn't help but notice when I saw you on the elevator today, that you looked a little peaked. (BRIDGE)

GK: And ten minutes later I was in her office, telling her how rotten I felt.

SS (FLEXNER): Okay, I've got "feelings of worthlessness, like nothing you do will ever matter anyway so why bother —brooding, difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, inability to wake up, sleepiness during the day—"

GK: That's me in a nutshell.

SS (FLEXNER): And approximately how long have you been this way?

GK: Uh. Who was the president before Reagan?

SS (FLEXNER): That long, huh? Depression comes from suppressed rage, Mr. Noir. What is it you're angry about?

GK: I'm not angry.

(WRITING)

SS (FLEXNER): Denial—

GK: I shouldn't have come here.

(WRITING)

SS (FLEXNER): Low frustration tolerance—

GK: Maybe I should try another therapist—

(WRITING)

SS (FLEXNER): Escapism, ultimately leading to loneliness and despair...

(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAMS)

GK: So, I went to get a second opinion. Starflower Moonglow Wellness Center: Energy Healing, Aromatherapy, Tanning Beds.

SS (BREATHY): Are you comfortable, Mr. Noir?

GK: Fine. Thanks.

SS (BREATHY): What sort of ambience do you prefer?

GK: Ambience?

SS (BREATHY): We have Chilean flute (FLUTE) and we have rain forest (BIRDS) and we have surf (WAVES).

GK: How about silence?

SS (BREATHY): Beautiful. I love that. You have a beautiful soul. I'm reading your energy.

GK: I'm reading your energy too.

SS (BREATHY): Your heart chakra feels blocked to me.

GK: I've been trying to unblock that chakra for years.

SS (BREATHY): I want you to visualize success, Mr. Noir.

GK: I'm trying to, believe me.

SS (BREATHY): I want you to imagine positive outcomes, Mr. Noir. Believe and Achieve.

GK: Believe and achieve.

SS (BREATHY): Whatever you want, I want you to imagine yourself getting it.

GK: I'm trying to.

SS (BREATHY): Our dreams are our guides, Mr. Noir. They lead us to our heart's desire.

GK: And here I am.

TR (FABIO): Uh...Starflower. Hi. I'm all set, whenever you are.

SS (BREATHY): I'll be right there, Laser. —Oh. This is my boyfriend, Laser. Mr. Noir.

TR (FABIO): Hello. Man, I just felt your energy field turn like really dark, Mr. Noir. I don't think you're visualizing success—

GK: I'm sort of visualizing a toilet right now. And I'm a little piece of paper going around and around and around. (BRIDGE) But I went back to my office and I sat there watching the snow melt (DRIPPING) and I tried visualizing success. (REVERB, FANTASY MUSIC) Visualizing success. Visualizing success. Visualizing success. I sat back in my chair and I imagined sitting in a big auditorium and — a lady in a very tight gold lame dress...

(ENVELOPE OPENING)

SS (MARILYN): And the winner for best detective in a crime drama is-Guy Noir! (HUGE APPLAUSE)- (SINGS) Congratulations, Guy Noir. Congratulations, Guy Noir. Congratulations, Guy Noir. Here's an award for you. (SHE FADES) Here's an award for you.

GK: And then she faded away. Success. Visualizing success. I can feel it. I can taste it. (PHONE RINGS) Yeah Noir here.

TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Mr. Guy Noyer?

GK: Noir, yes-

(FANFARE)

TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Wowza wowza wowza, Mr. Noir, you are the lucky winner of the 300 million dollar Powercube jackpot, yes you are—

GK: Me?!!?

TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Yes you, for sure you-You can have a lump sum of 300 million dollars right now, tax-free-

GK: Tax-free??

TR (ENERGETIC, ON PHONE): Or you can have 100 thousand dollars a week for the rest of your life—

GK: Listen. I didn't really win it, did I.

TR (ON PHONE): No, you didn't.

GK: I didn't think so.

TR (ON PHONE): It was only a visualization.

GK: I know. I doubt that I ever would win anything in a contest, don't you?

TR (ON PHONE): Honestly? I don't think you will.

GK: No. Probably not. Well, thanks.

TR (ON PHONE): You're welcome. (B RIDGE)

GK: Visualizing success. Why am I such a failure at it? Got to focus. Got to think harder. Close my eyes. Visualize. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

GK: Yeah come in—

(DOOR OPENS, HEELS ENTER)

SS (LOW): Mr. Noir? Oh there you are.

(SEXY PIANO)

GK: She was tall, with flaxen blonde hair, and she moved with the stealth of a cougar. She wore white t-shirt with a bullseye over the heart, and her jeans were so tight I could count the change in her pocket. Fifty cents, and I'd never seen two George Washingtons look so happy.

SS (LOW): You dropped your wallet on the street, Mr. Noir. So I followed you up here.

GK: Oh. Thanks.

SS (LOW): You walked past me and I felt this electricity. Mind if I sit in your lap?

GK: Something tells me I don't have much choice in the matter-

SS (LOW): I was on my way to meet my boyfriend and I felt this magnetic force and it was you. Kiss me, Mr. Noir. Kiss me-

GK: You're not really going to kiss me, are you?

SS (LOW): Why do you ask?

GK: I just want to know.

SS: Visualize me kissing you-my full moist lips pressing against yours-pressing harder and harder-my tongue-

GK: You're not going to do it, are you?

SS: No. I guess not. I was going to but not now.

(KNOCKING)

GK: You mean you were sort of thinking of it?

SS: It was an option.

GK: Really?

TR (RICO): Hey. Open up. Exterminator. (DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS) Exterminator. Building's got bugs. Gotta shoot some pesticide. (FIRE EXTINGUISHER) Come out you little critters. Show your face.

GK (COUGHING): I was sort of doing something here.

TR (RICO): You were just sitting there alone- (FIRE EXTINGUISHER BLASTS) move—

(BRIDGE)

GK: I headed downstairs to the coffee shop (ESPRESSO) to get the taste of pesticide out of my mouth. I got a double latte and I sat down in the corner with the crossword puzzle. One Across was a six-letter word for disappointment— I tried to visualize it.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

SS: Excuse me, is that your car out there?

GK: Yes, yes it is.

SS: Your headlights are on and the motor is running.

GK: Huh.

SS: The windshield wipers are going.

GK: I see that.

SS: But you left it in neutral.

GK: Oh no!

SS: The doors are locked and the keys are in the ignition.

GK: No-no no no—

SS: And it's rolling into the street-

GK: Ai yi yi-

SS: And by the way—one across is "fiasco"

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building-one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir. Private Eye.