Guy Noir script
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Listen

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME)

GK: It was March, and I was feeling depressed and broke and so when the Acme Security Company offered to pay me $100. A month to try out their new security system I said sure, and no sooner had it been installed -- (KNOCKING) Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (RATTLING OF LOCKED DOOR, MUFFLED VOICE) Wait a minute. Got a new security system. (FOOTSTEPS, SERIES OF DEADBOLT LOCKS UNLOCKED. RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR) Ah. Right. I have to turn off the alarm. Just a minute! (MUFFLED VOICE) What was the password? Something Spanish. Contra sena, I think. (BEEPS, TAPS ON KEYPAD, BUZZER) Nope, wrong. Maybe Abierto. (BEEPS TAPS ON KEYBOARD) (BUZZER, ELECTRONIC VOICE: STAND AWAY FROM THE DOOR. STAND AWAY FROM THE DOOR.) Wait a minute. I remember. The password is White Man. Hombre Blanco. (TAPS, BEEPS, DOOR OPENS) Sorry. I just put in a new security system.

TR: Pretty fancy one.

GK: Well, nobody was coming around and knocking on my door, so I figured I'd get more traffic if I added security. What can I do for you?

TR: Well, it's like this. For the past couple of days, there've been hundreds of chickens crossing the road, followed by blondes carrying lightbulbs.

GK: I see.

TR: And they come into my bar and the bar is already pretty full of priests and rabbis. And Unitarians.

GK: And you're the bartender?

TR: I am. I'm the guy who when the grasshopper walked in I said, "We've got a drink named after you--" and he said, "why would anybody name a drink Bob?"

GK: Okay.

TR: I'm the guy who when the talking dog walked in and said, "Hey, I'm a talking dog, how about a drink?" I pointed him down the hall to the toilet.

GK: What can I do for you?

TR: If I tell you, promise you won't laugh?

GK: I haven't so far.

TR: I'm trying to remember a joke. One of the blondes told this joke to a rabbi and he told it to me and I've forgotten it. It's about a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hopes that one of them would win. And then none of them did.

GK: That's not it.

TR: It was close—

GK: Close doesn't cut it, I'm afraid.

TR: He entered a pun contest and sent in ten puns in hopes that one would win and no pun in ten did.

TR: I don't get it.

GK: Get out of here.

TR: What's wrong?

GK: Get out of here. (BRIDGE) — (RATTLING OF LOCKED DOOR) What in the world is going on here? It's locked.

TR: You've got to remember the password.

GK: Oh be quiet. (RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR. ELECTRONIC VOICE: DO NOT SHAKE THE DOOR) I'm trying to throw somebody out of my office. (ELECTRONIC VOICE: YOU MUST USE THE PASSWORD) Hombre Blanco. (BUZZER, ELECTRONIC VOICE: THAT IS NOT THE RECOGNIZED EXIT PASSWORD. ENTER EXIT PASSWORD NOW.) Exit password. You mean you need a password to enter and a password to exit? (ELECTRONIC VOICE: THAT IS CORRECT) How about you give me a clue? (ELECTRONIC VOICE: THAT WOULD BE CHEATING.) This is my door-I can cheat if I want- (ELECTRONIC VOICE: FINE. HAVE IT YOUR WAY. WHAT'S BROWN AND SOUNDS LIKE A BELL?

GK: What's brown and sounds like a bell? (BUZZER, (ELECTRONIC VOICE: WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.)

GK: I was only repeating the question. Okay? That wasn't my answer, I was only thinking out loud. (ELECTRONIC VOICE: OKAY. WHAT IS BROWN AND SOUNDS LIKE A BELL?)

TR: Dung!

(COMPUTER VOICE: CONGRATULATIONS) (DOOR OPENS)

GK: There. Good. You opened it. Thanks. See you later.

TR: Now I forget the punchline of that joke.

GK: No pun in ten did. Okay?

TR: Okay. I still don't get it. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

(ELECTRONIC VOICE: DOOR WILL CLOSE IN FIVE SECONDS.)

GK: What do you mean the door will close in five seconds? The door will close whenever I decide to — (DOOR SLAM) What'd you have to go and do that for? You're supposed to provide security — not harass the owner —

(ELECTRONIC VOICE: PLEASE STATE ENTRY PASSWORD.

GK: Dung. (BUZZER, ELECTRONIC VOICE: WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.) That was the password ten seconds ago!

(ELECTRONIC VOICE: EXIT PASSWORD. YOU NEED ENTRANCE PASSWORD)

GK: I have to remember two different passwords?

(ELECTRONIC VOICE: DIFFERENT FUNCTIONS. DIFFERENT PASSWORDS)

GK: You are a jerk.

(ELECTRONIC VOICE: YOU ARE A JERK. I AM A COMPUTER.)

GK: Could you just give me another clue?

(ELECTRONIC VOICE: WHY DID THE SCIENTIST DISCONNECT HIS DOORBELL)

GK: Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell?

(BUZZER, ELECTRONIC VOICE: WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.)

GK: That wasn't my answer-- I was just thinking. Take it easy. Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell?

(ELECTRONIC VOICE: TAKE YOUR TIME. I CAN WAIT)

(BRIDGE)

GK: So I sat there in the hallway for about an hour, and then I headed for the library to look up the joke, and at the reference desk I found a woman in a blue knit dress and glasses hanging on a chain around her neck.

SS (NASAL): May I help you?

GK: I'm looking for the punchline of a joke.

SS (NASAL): Why are you looking at me—

GK: You're a librarian—

SS (NASAL): What is the joke, sir?

GK: Why do scientists disconnect their doorbells?

SS (NASAL): That is not a joke, sir.

GK: I know. It's missing the punchline.

SS (NASAL): Let me look that up for you online. (TAPPING) (PAUSE) It's searching for your joke.

GK: Good.

SS (NASAL): Okay— the punchline is: Because he was stapled to the chicken.

GK: But that's not the punchline.

SS (NASAL): According to the computer it is—

GK: But it makes no sense.

SS (NASAL): Maybe you don't get it.

GK: Do you have a humor section where I could look this up for myself?

SS (NASAL): Yes, it's in the sub -basement.

GK: The sub-basement.

SS (NASAL): Right. It's down with the hunting magazines and the auto repair manuals. You'll see a little sign that says "humor".

GK: Thanks.

SS (NASAL): If you find yourself in the Scientology section, you've gone too far.

(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

GK: So, I went down to the basement (DESCENDS STAIRS) into the damp and the gloom and I found the humor section. There was one other guy there—

RB: (CHUCKLING)

GK: Find something amusing, old-timer?

RB: Oh hi. Yeah, just chuckling over this book of dog pictures. Very funny. Dogs with different facial expressions and so forth.

GK: Uh huh.

RB: And then these hilarious captions underneath. I've read this book six times and I still keep finding new things in it. Look at this— picture of a dog and it says, "Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? If only you knew how much I smell you?"

GK: Good.

RB: You like humor?

GK: I guess so. I'm looking for a jokebook, trying to find a punchline—-

RB: I know some good jokes.

GK: Great. I'm actually just looking for a joke book-

RB: You don't need a joke book. Knock knock.

(A BEAT)

GK: Who's there?

RB: Euripides.

GK: Euripides who?

RB: Euripides pants I breaka your face (LAUGHTER).

GK: Okay. Great.

RB: Knock knock.

GK: You know, knock-knock jokes sort of lost their glamour for me back when I was about 11—

RB: You're going to love this— Knock knock-

GK: (SIGH) Who's there?

RB: Grace.

GK: Grace who?

RB (SINGS): Grace skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face.

(RB CHUCKLES, GK MOANS)

RB: Knock knock.

GK: Please don't.

RB: Just one more. Knock knock—

GK: This is a library. I'm here to do research.

RB: Knock knock.

GK: (SIGH) Who's there?

RB: Control freak now you say "control freak who"? (CHUCKLES) Get it?

GK: Yes I get it.

RB: I love jokes. Any joke there is, I remember it. I know every single joke in the English language.

GK: Say maybe you've heard of this one. Why do scientists disconnect their doorbells?

RB: That's easy. So they can win the Nobel Prize.

GK: Aha. Thanks.

RB: One more knock-knock.

GK: I've gotta go.

RB: This is the best.

GK: I'm double-parked.

RB: This is the Monet Water Lilies of Knock-Knock jokes. This is the Beethoven Ninth Symphony of Knock-Knock.

GK: Please don't.

RB: Knock knock.

GK: Who's there?

RB: Sam and Janet.

GK: Sam and Janet who.

RB (SINGS, BIG): Sam and Janet Evening, you will meet a stranger...you will meet a stranger across a crowded room. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I headed back to the Acme building. (ELECTRONIC VOICE: STATE THE PASSWORD)

GK: So they can win the Nobel Prize. (BUZZER, ELECTRONIC VOICE: WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.) Hey, come on. That's the password. "So they can win the Nobel Prize." (ELECTRONIC VOICE: THE CORRECT PASSWORD is— "To Win The Nobel Prize") Oh come on. It's the same thing. Basically.) (BUZZER, ELECTRONIC VOICE: WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.) Come on. Let me in. Have a heart. (ELECTRONIC VOICE: I HAVE NO HEART. I AM A SECURITY SYSTEM. STATE PASSWORD. STATE PASSWORD.) (BRIDGE)

GK: So I had to call a repair person.

SS (DEEP): It's very simple. The password is Dung.

GK: Dung?

SS (DEEP): What is brown and sounds like a bell.

GK: Right. Dung. But that's the entrance password.

SS (DEEP): Works both ways.

GK: It does?

SS (DEEP): You just have to hit the door with your fist right there. Real hard. Like this. DUNG! (BWANG) (BEEP, DOOR OPENS, ELECTRONIC VOICE: ENTER. WELCOME TO YOUR OFFICE) See? It's easy. (THEME)

TR: (ANNC) A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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