Rhubarb script
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Listen

GK: So you're the development director of a public radio station and you've found a wealthy couple, General and Mrs. Mills, and you're courting them, hoping for a major contribution (TK GRUFF GENERAL GIBBERISH) — and you take them out to an expensive sushi restaurant (KOTO MUSIC, TR JAPANESE) and Mrs. Mills is quite charmed by the décor (TR JULIA GUSHING) but the General is not (TK GRUFF GIBBERISH) especially when you're shown to a Japanese table (TR JAPANESE) where you have to sit cross-legged on mats on the floor (TK GRUFF GIBBERISH) and the General sits and (CRACKING) he's in pain (TK GRUFF GIBBERISH) and you're so nervous, you start telling a joke—

SS: So these two horses are in a pasture, one is a retired racehorse and the other is an old plowhorse—

GK: You start telling this joke and as you do the sushi comes (SUSHI WOBBLE, TR JAPANESE, TK GRUFF GIBBERISH) and a big piece of raw octopus is looking up at you— (SQUORT)

SS: So the one horse says I bet I can beat you in a race and the other horse says no you can't—

GK: And you pick up the octopus (WOBBLE) and the General is looking at his plate (TK GRUFF GIBBERISH) AND Mrs. Mills picks up some big gelatinous thing (TR JULIA GUSH, WOBBLE) and the music is getting louder (KOTO) -but you've started this joke and now you can't stop—

SS: So they line up for the race and there's a pig there with a gun, and the pig says-may the best horse win-

GK: Meanwhile the General is trying to cut up his food (TK GRUFFNESS, CHOPPING, SPLORT SPLORT SPLORT) and Mrs. Mills is chewing some raw tuna (TR JULIA) and the joke goes on--

SS: And so these chickens come by to watch and they bet on the racehorse and the horses go around and around and around the track and it's a tight race, first one horse pulls ahead and then the other and finally the old plowhorse pulls ahead at the last minute and he wins and there's a dog there wagging his tail and the dog looks up at the horse and he says-"That was a great race. Congratulations." And then the horse looks down at him and says-"Hey look. A talking dog."

(A BEAT, SILENCE)

GK: They look at you. Waiting.

SS: That's it. That's the joke.

GK: And then you make your pitch—

SS: I'd like to talk about some very special sponsorship opportunities on public radio—

GK: Just as Mrs. Mills takes a big spoonful of wasabi (TR JULIA INTO HIGH SOPRANO RANGE) and you reach over to help and you spill hot noodles on the General's lap (SPLORT, TK GRUFF IRRITATION) and he starts throwing spicy tuna rolls at you (SPLORT SPLORT SPLORT) and now you have raw ginger in your eye (SPLORT) and the waiter is jumping up and down (TR JAPANESE YELLING) and flames are coming from Mrs. Mills's mouth (TR HIGH SOPRANO) and the General grabs a fire extinguisher (EXTINGUISHER) and the police arrive (SIRENS), and you run for the door (RUNNING, SS PANTING), and you've got wasabi in your eyes and you go through a plate glass window (GLASS BREAKAGE) and you run out into traffic (CARS SWERVING, BRAKES SCREECH), and waiting for you across the street is your boss, the station manager:

FN: So how did it go? How much are they going to contribute? A million? Two million? (THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

GK: (SINGS)

One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

ALL:

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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