Bob Elliott script
Saturday, April 05, 2008
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(BOB AND RAY ORGAN)

GK: During intermission a lot of people get up and go outside for a walk, and because they're not from here they get lost, so we have to go outside and find them. (CARS PASSING), and that's what I'm doing now-I'm out here on 43rd street having a look around, and here's a man right now—

TR (WALLY BALLOU): —ly Ballou out here on the street. Your name and occupation, sir-

GK: Wait a second-you're Bob Elliott— of Bob & Ray — I heard that you just turned 85. You don't look 85. You look more like 72. Or 71.

TR (WB): Well, I manage to keep young by listening to radio shows like "Mr. Trace, Keener Than Most Persons" and of course, Word Carr and Webley Webster. And your show - What's the name of it?

GK: All Things Considered.

TR (WB): Of course. You and I used to be on the Board of Directors of S.T.O.A.

GK: Oh. Sure. The S.T.O.A.

TR (WB): The Slow. Talkers.

GK: Of America.

TR (WB): Of.

GK: America!

TR (WB): America.

GK: Okay — we're talking to radio legend Bob Elliott who once, believe it or not, won the Beautiful Face contest.

TR (WB): Yes indeed, thanks to my neatly chiseled features and my startling blue eyes.

GK: Usually they don't pick bald men for Most Beautiful Face Contests, do they?

TR (WB): They don't care about your head. It's just the face. From the top of your forehead to your chin. So the hair doesn't even come into it at all.

GK: It was your 85th birthday last week, wasn't it?

TR (WB): Was it? I hardly noticed, I've been so busy with my Four-Leaf-Clover farm and running the Bob and Ray Overstocked Warehouse.

GK: Everything okay over there?

TR (WB): Well, our stockboy put all of our chocolate bunnies right next to the steampipes. And so now, we are offering, at a ridiculous low price, thousands of edible chocolate wobblies. Then there's my work on behalf of the International Komodo Dragon Foundation. To protect the Komodo dragon, the world's largest living lizard, a ferocious carnivore, found on the steep-sloped island of Komodo in the lesser Sunda chain of the Indonesian Archipelago and the nearby islands of Rinja, Padar, and Flores.

GK: Oh. Interesting. (A BEAT) Where do they come from?

(A BEAT)

TR (WB): The Komodo dragon, the world's largest living lizard, is found on the steep-sloped island of Komodo ....in the lesser Sunda chain of the Indonesian Archipelago....and the nearby islands of Rinja, Padar, and Flores.

GK: I think I'd heard that somewhere, yes.

TR (WB): And of course I'm the last living spokesperson for Einbinder Flypaper. Einbinder: The name you've gradually grown to trust over the course of three generations.

GK: You're certainly keeping busy, then.

TR (WB): And three times a day I have to walk Tippy the Wonder Dog. (DOG, OFF). And I compete in adult spelling bees.

GK: How did you do?

TR (WB): Today my opponent got the word "who." And then it came to me and I got "interfenestration."

GK: A tough break.

TR (WB): You want some frozen ginger ale salad? I've got some in my car.

GK: No thanks.

TR (WB): And I am taking butterfly training lessons.

GK: You're learning to train butterflies?

TR (WB): With a whip, yes. Of course I'd never actually hit a butterfly, because then I'd have an enemy for life.

GK: You certainly would.

TR (WB): After that I'm headed home to my luxurious mansion in Garish Summit, where we, the socially prominent live in stately splendor, far removed from the squalid village below, fighting our petty battles over power and money.

GK: It sounds wonderful.

TR (WB): It's a dream come true.

GK: Good luck to you, Mr. Elliot.

TR (WB): Thank you. Say you've got a nice little show you're starting there. So don't give up young man. It's a hard road but I know you'll make it.

GK: Mr. Bob Elliott Ladies and Gentlemen. (BOB AND RAY ORGAN)