Guy Noir script
Saturday, April 05, 2008
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TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME)

GK: It was April, and the snow was melting and business was picking up. Eighty-one percent of the American people feel the country is headed in the wrong direction and that's good for a guy in my line of work. Insecurity is the mother of private investigation. The fall of Bear Stearns was a big shock. A good name, Bear Stearns, for guys whose pants fell down, but it caused a loss of confidence, which meant business for me.

TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is your buddy in Washington. I wonder if you could tell me what in the heck is going on out there. I mean, as far as I'm concerned everything is fine. I don't have a clue. (BRIDGE)

GK: I'd been hired by a Wall Street firm, Beige Walls & Floors, to come to New York and secure their headquarters, and I went shopping for motion detectors at the I Spy Private Eye Supply on Riverside Drive.

SS (FLEXNER): This is new — very useful for cocktail parties — looks like an ordinary martini glass (DING) but the stem is a rifle and it can throw a swizzle stick with accuracy up to fifty feet— (CLICK, KNIFE THROW, BWANGGGGGG) —

GK: Okay, it's not what—

SS (FLEXNER): Let me show you these suction cups— put them on your hands and feet and you can climb up the sides of buildings — show him, Igor (TR IGOR MUTTERING, SUCTIONING UP A WALL SLOWLY)

GK: Nice, but it's not what—

SS (FLEXNER): Over here we have disguises. These are brand new this year. Now you can go undercover as a walrus (SFX) or an alpaca (SFX). Or a bluegrass musician (BANJO)

GK: Ma'am, what I'm looking for are motion detectors.

SS (FLEXNER): Motion detectors.

GK: Yes. Alarms.

SS (FLEXNER): Okay. You've come to the right place. We have a wonderful selection of alarms — the standard alarm (FN: STAND AWAY FROM THE DOOR) and the American Western alarm (TR: GO AHEAD, PUNK. MAKE MY DAY) and a German-made alarm (KLAXON & TR: ACHTUNG. VERBOTEN. VERBOTEN) and a French alarm (PARISIAN SIRENS) and a vampire alarm (TR: COME IN. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU) — the Darth Vader (BREATHING) and the best alarm of all, the one that strikes terror into the hearts of intruders. The diaper alarm. (BABY CRYING). Men instinctively run for the exits.

GK: Good enough. I'll take two.

(BRIDGE)

GK: I arrived at the offices of Beige, Walls & Floors and noticed right away a lot of reconstruction—

TR (RICH GUY): We're getting rid of our mortgage division (EXPLOSION) and our hedge fund (EXPLOSION) and we're going into the wholesale fruit business, selling apples and oranges.

GK: So what is your security concern, sir?

TR (RICH GUY): Other than losing our shirts in pork bellies, we're concerned about a young fellow named Brent.

GK: What's the problem?

TR (RICH GUY): He's a dreamer. You know the type. Sits at his desk, looks out the window, and hums. I'm trying to get him interested in commercial finance and he sits and hums.

GK: What's his name?

TR (RICH GUY): Hummer.

GK: I see.

TR (RICH GUY): Brent Hummer. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Oh hello, Sandy.

KWP: I couldn't help but overhear that, and that's my fiancee you're talking about, Mr. Walls.

TR (RICH GUY): I'm Mr. Beige.

KWP: Sorry. Mr. Beige. That's my fiancee you're talking about, and yes, he is a dreamer and so am I, and as soon as he makes it in the songwriting business, we're going to be married.

TR (RICH GUY): A songwriter!!!! Ha!!!! (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: She was tall with dark hair tied up in a yellow clasp, she was beautiful, drop dead beautiful, in addition to which she had a number of explosives hanging from her belt.

TR (RICH GUY): This is Sandy. Sandy Nomer. She handles demolition for us.

GK: Pleased to meet you, Miss Nomer.

KWP: You must be Guy Noir—

GK: How did you know that?

KWP: Your visitor's badge.

GK: Oh. Of course. So you do demolition, huh? And these are explosives—-odd line of work for a beautiful woman-

KWP: I was an English major, Mr. Noir. And what I found was that the same mental acuity required for good grammar is useful when it comes to explosives.

GK: Interesting.

KWP: I don't look on it as demolition — I look on it as editing.

GK: Aha.

KWP: See that big ugly desk over there? I can get rid of that desk with the use of a small plastic charge— (BOOM)—- see?

GK: Pretty impressive.

KWP: Or that woman over there— the one in the black suit—

SS: Who? Me? What are you doing?

KWP: My orders say that you're fired as of ten seconds from now...

SS: Fired! But I'm a vice-president of human resources— I'm the one who does the firing around — (WHUMP)

GK: Wow. Where is she?

KWP: Gone. Down the hall. It's all a matter of knowing where to place the explosives. (BRIDGE)

GK: Miss Nomer and I went around the corner to the New Delhi Deli. (VOICES, FOOTSTEPS, DISHWARE) We found a booth in the back. — There's one thing I guess I should ask you, Sandy—

KWP: You mean the python around my neck?

GK: Well, I didn't want to be obvious and ask you before. I figure you must get a lot of comment on that.

KWP: Demolition requires complete concentration, Mr. Noir, and when you wear a python around your neck, people tend not to come up and engage in casual conversation.

GK: I suppose that would be the case.

TR (INDIAN): Hello, my name is Ravi and I will be your waiter today. Would you like me to tell you about the specials today? We have the lamb curry and that comes medium spicy, or very spicy, or (HIGHPITCHED SOUNDS)

KWP: No, we're waiting for my boyfriend. Okay?

TR (INDIAN): Yes, Okay, thank you very much.

GK: I can't help but notice that people are moving away from us, Miss Nomer. I think they can see that you're carrying a shopping bag full of red sticks with fuses.

KWP: It's only dynamite.

GK: So it really is dynamite —

KWP: The ones in the shopping bag here?

GK: Yes, those red sticks with fuses. Those are safe, I assume.

KWP: Depends on who's handling them— (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Oh. Here's Brent now. Hello, darling.

BP: Sandy, hi.

GK: Brent, my name is Guy Noir, I'm working for Beige, Walls & Floors. I'm in security. Your fiancée and I were just talking about you—

BP: Good. Would anyone mind if we eat outdoors? —

GK: You're looking at this shopping bag full of dynamite, I see.

BP: Yes. I'm just thinking that if the dynamite goes off, it'd be better to be sitting outdoors where the force of the explosion would go up in the air—

GK: Good thinking, Brent. I can see that your fiancee's career in demolition concerns you—

BP: When I met Sandy, she was an English major writing a thesis on James Joyce, so— it's been something of a transition, yes. It's not easy being in a relationship with a woman who carries explosives.

KWP: A relationship isn't supposed to be easy, Brent.

GK: But Sandy says that she'll give up demolition when you finally make it as a songwriter.

BP: I know. That's the other part of my problem—

KWP: What do you mean, Brent? I thought we had that all worked out—

TR (INDIAN): Excuse me, would you like me to tell you about the specials now?

KWP: No, don't interrupt. My fiancée is just about to say something very important.

TR (INDIAN): Very well. But we do have the lamb curry, we have the tandoori chicken, and the rama hama vishna punti—

KWP: Please. Just bring us tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

TR (INDIAN): Very well, three tomato soups and three grilled cheese. Yes, very good, thank you very much. Coming right up.

GK: What were you about to say, Brent?

BP: When Sandy and I first got together, her involvement with explosives was a problem for me.

KWP: I had no idea.

BP: But as time goes on, I find myself oddly attracted to that side of her.

GK: How interesting?

KWP: You are, really?

BP: I never thought I'd be in love with a woman who works with explosives. But I am. And that's a fact.

TR (INDIAN): Here is your tomato soup - (SFX) you and you and you - and your cheese sandwiches - would you like cardamom on those?

KWP: Absolutely not.

TR (INDIAN): Very good. No cardamom. Enjoy!

GK: So when did you become interested in explosives, Sandy?

KWP: I developed a propensity for propellants growing up on the Penobscot peninsula. My papa was a prospector.

BP: Sandy and I met at the Plimpton Prep School.

GK: I think I've heard of that.

KWP: Plimpton Prep is in the town of Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.

GK: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin?

BP: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin on the Penobscot Peninsula -

KWP: My pa was a prospector and his was a Presbyterian pastor who was President of Plimpton Prep which was a post-impressionist prep school for prosperous prepubescent Presbyterians.

GK: Plimpton was a post-impressionist prep school?

BP: Because there was a pre-impressionist prep school for post-pubescent Presbyterians on the Penelope peninsula which is perpendicular to the Penobscot peninsula where Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin is.

GK: And you both grew up there?

KWP: I grew up in a suburb of Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin—(PAUSE) — called Dobbins.

GK: Dobbins.

KWP: They changed their name from Point :Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin. To Dobbins.

GK: And that's still on the Penobscot Peninsula.

BP: Right.

GK: Why did they change?

BP: Shore erosion.

GK: I see.

BP: After awhile there was no point.

GK: Anyway— Brent— you were saying that Sandy's explosives have become part of your relationship—

BP: Yes. — Do you have a piano in here?

TR (INDIAN): Why yes— certainly— right over here.

BP: Thank you. (PIANO) I wrote this song for you, Sandy. (HE SINGS, TORCH STYLE)

You blew me away.
You blew me away.
You blew down the walls that kept us apart.
When you set off a charge in my heart.
You're an explosive girl who rocks my world.
You light my fire that lights my fuse.
You knock off my socks and also my shoes.
You bring down the house whenever you choose.

I've known other women but they're in the past.
You got me jumping cause you are a blast.
Life was settled, life was passé
The blues was my roommate and it planned to stay
But you blew me away.

KWP: Hey — I didn't know you could play piano.

BP: Learned it from a mail order course I found on a matchbook cover.

GK: I'm going to just leave you two to work it out. Thanks for the tomato soup and the grilled cheese. (BRIDGE) (TRAFFIC, HORNS, PASSERSBY) I walked uptown (FOOTSTEPS) through Soho past the art galleries (TR: It has a beautiful sort of dimensionality to it— SS? Oh yes, I see that. And a verticality.) And past Houston and the street vendors. (FN: Lookit here. It's made in Switzerland. It chops, it slices, it peels, here, you hold it. Try it. Amazing—) past the Large dog run at Washington Square and through the village and past the tattoo and piercing parlors (KACHUNK OF PIERCING), and down below the street was the subway (SCREECHING SUBWAY BRAKES), and out there was the river and I walked that way and—

KWP: Mr. Noir?

GK: Miss Nomer? Where'd you come from?

KWP: I need your help.

GK: What's wrong?

KWP: It's that shopping bag full of explosives —

GK: Oh my gosh. Did I accidentally pick up a—

KWP: That's it. My shopping bag.

GK: Well, there it is. What's wrong?

KWP: I'm trying to remember when I set the fuse.

GK: The fuse is set?

KWP: It's on a timer. Let me try to figure out when it's supposed to explode. (RAPID MUMBLING OF NUMBERS, CALCULATING)

GK: I take it time is of the essence.

KWP: Oh gosh. Now I lost track — I have to start all over. (RAPID MUMBLING OF NUMBERS)

GK: I can't help but notice that the python is slithering off your neck and scurrying away as fast as he can— does he sense something, I wonder?

KWP: According to my calculations, it should've detonated 30 seconds ago. I must have figured wrong. (RAPID MURMUR OF NUMBERS)

GK: You know, the Hudson River is right there, why don't I just take the bag and (HE THROWS, SPLASH. BUBBLES. THEN BIG UNDERWATER EXPLOSION)

KWP: Thanks, Mr. Noir.

GK: You're welcome. — The explosion rocked the Staten Island ferry a little (FERRY HORN, CRIES OF PASSENGERS) and it made the Statue of Liberty sway (SS CRY) and in the grand salon of the Queen Mary a waiter spilled a tray of crème brulee (FN WAITER, SPLORTS OF BRULEE, SS PASSENGER DISGUST) but New York can withstand anything, New York hardly noticed. (THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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