A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Subway script
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Listen

GK: You're a New Yorker and you work hard all day long, so you deserve a seat on the subway (SHOVING, GRUNTING, PUSHING). But the subway is packed tight, so what can you do? You could rent a pregnancy prosthetic— snap it around your waist under your shirt — fake pregnancy and who's going to ask for proof — But what if you're a man? (CANE CLICKING) You could get sunglasses and a white cane — The blind disguise. Gets you a seat every time. But blind people get upset when they find a fake blind person and you might be attacked by seeing eye dogs (SNARLING, BLIND MAN ANGER). The foolproof solution? Exploding pants. Just squeeze the bulb and (SFX) the tube in your back pocket delivers a smell that cleans the entire subway car (STAMPEDE) — and there you are (FN: Watch for the closing doors please.) (SPRAY) One generous spray virtually guarantees your personal access to the seat of your choice. (COUGHING, JOSTLING, AVOIDANCE) Exploding Pants. Anytime you need your personal space, just squeeze the bulb (SFX) and suddenly you're all alone.

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