Bob script
Saturday, May 03, 2008
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(THEME)

TR (ANNC): And now—Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products, brings you: The Story of Bob, a Young Artist.

(CLATTER OF DISHES, DOG, POPS IN BACKGROUND)

SS: More creamy noodle casserole, Bob? I've got lots more in the oven.

GK: No thanks Berniece—I've had enough.

SS: But you usually eat two helpings, Bob. And here you haven't even finished the first one.

GK: You made it awfully creamy, Berniece. It's awfully rich.

SS: I thought that's how you like it.

GK: I'm not a farmhand, Berniece. I'm an artist.

TR (POPS): What'd he say about farts?

GK: And I'm extremely nervous because I applied for a big commission in Bangor Maine, and they're supposed to call me back today.

TR (POPS): Emission? I'll say. I can smell it from here.

SS: He said commission, Pops, commission.

TR (POPS):

GK: I have a work ethic, Pops.

TR (POPS): Ha! You're not even working on that noodle casserole. Might as well give it to Rex. (WHINING, TAIL THUMPING) Rex knows how to work, don't you boy? (PANTING, LUNGES AT FOOD, GOBBLING)

SS: Oh for goodness sakes—

GK: Pops, get him off the table—

TR (POPS): He sees what he wants and he goes for it. That's the American way. Atta boy Rex. (SNARFING)

GK: That is so disgusting.

SS: That's enough, Rex. (DOG SNARFING). Down. (PANTING, TAG JINGLE) So tell me about your sculpture, Bob. What is it?

GK: Well, I've made a scale model of it. Right here. (PAUSE)

SS: Oh.

(DOG GAGS QUIETLY, OFF)

TR (POPS, OFF): Rex took one look at it and he barfed up his lunch.

SS: What is it, Bob?

GK: Well, they're building a new casino in Bangor and they want to put a sculpture outside of it. So what I did was just throw the dice and come up with page numbers of a hardware catalogue and whatever the dice said, I put it in—

SS: Oh. So that's why the mirror, the vinyl flooring, the duct tape, the box of drill bits, and the bicycle pump.

GK: Right. And the chisel.

SS: I don't think the casino is going to want to be associated with a chisel, Bob.

GK: Well, I was just going with the dice.

SS: And what if you win?

GK: And if I win I'll have my sculpture in the grand atrium of the casino, where thousands of people will see it every single day.

TR (POPS): Does money come out of it?

GK: No, of course not.

TR (POPS): Ha! Then you think you're gonna get a bunch of gamblers to look at it?

SS: It's interesting, Bob.

(A LONG BEAT)

TR (POPS): It looks like a car wreck.

SS: Pops-

GK: Just forget it. I don't even know why I showed this to you.

(DOG GAGS QUIETLY)

TR (POPS): Walk it off, Rex. Walk it off.

SS: I think you have a good chance of winning. I do.

(PHONE RINGS)

GK: Oh my gosh, that's them.

SS: Be quiet.

TR (POPS): Why do we have to be quiet? This is our house, we live here too.

(DOG GAGS)

GK: I would like them to think I live by myself. Okay? Could I have it quiet? Just for five minutes. (PHONE RING)

SS: Why should they think you live alone, Bob?

GK: If everybody could just be quiet for a minute—

(DOG GAGS)

TR (POPS): Well. Looks like I'm gonna have to let him out. Help me up out of this chair. (GRUNTING, EFFORT, DOG GAGS) Hurry up Berniece. Rex is gonna blow-

(PICKUP)

GK: Hello? (VOICE ON PHONE). Yes this is he. (VOICE ON PHONE) Yes, the sculpture contest yes. (GRUNTING, EFFORT, DOG GAGGING CONTINUOUS, OFF)

TR (POPS, OFF): I'm stuck in the chair. (VOICE ON PHONE)

GK: Yes. -that was mine (VOICE ON PHONE). Thank you. (VOICE ON PHONE) I'm so glad you think so.

SS (OFF): Okay ready pops? We're gonna get you up. Okay-one, two— (POPS STRAINS) no not yet, Pops. On the count of three.

TR (POPS, OFF): I thought you said two—

(VOICE ON PHONE)

GK: Many excellent submissions, yes. Of course (VOICE ON PHONE) A hard decision. I imagine.

(DOG GAGS)

SS (OFF): Come on, Pops. Ready-one-two-(HEAVES UP)

TR (POPS, OFF): I'm up!

(DOG PUKES)

SS (OFF): Oh boy. We're too late.

(DOG WHINES)

TR (POPS, OFF): It's okay boy. It matches the carpet. (DOG PANTS, TAGS JINGLE)

SS (OFF): I'll get the mop.

(VOICE ON PHONE)

GK: Of course. I understand. (VOICE ON PHONE) Thank you too. Goodbye. (HANGUP, A BEAT, SIGH)

SS: Well, was it them, Bob?

GK: I don't want to talk about it.

SS: Did you win the contest?

GK: I said I don't want to talk about it.

TR (POPS): Watch where you're walking, wide ride.

SS: I thought your sculpture was wonderful, Bob.

GK: Thanks Berniece. I'm going upstairs.

SS: And don't be so down on yourself. Just pick yourself back up and try again.

GK: They chose a big sculpture of a fish squirting water into a —

SS: Well, yours was much more interesting.

GK: I thought they wanted something contemporary. A fish squirting water— (SPLORCH)—what was that?

TR (POPS): I told you to watch where you're stepping-

GK: This is disgusting beyond words...

(DOG PANTS, THUMPS TAIL)

TR (POPS): Don't worry, Rex'll eat it all up—

GK: I'm going upstairs.

SS: Better leave your shoes down here. (GK SIGH) You want me to bring you some creamy noodle casserole, Bob?

GK: I don't think so.

TR: Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products has brought you The Story of Bob: A Young Artist. (THEME UP AND OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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