Rhubarb script
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Listen

GK: Maine. (FOGHORN) The waves crash against the rocks (SURF) and beneath the waves, deep down on the ocean floor, angry lobsters move toward shore (ANGRY CLACKING, LOBSTER MUTTERING) — lobsters who've taken all they can take, watching their loved ones lured into traps (TRAP DOOR SNAPS SHUTS, SS LOBSTER SHRIEK) —

FN (LOBSTER): Mom? (SS LOBSTER SHRIEK) Mom? No! (RATCHET, BUBBLES, SS LOBSTER SHRIEK FADING) No! No! (STING)

GK: Your mother, who held you in her claws and rocked you to sleep, is taken to a dinner party in Bar Harbor. (BUBBLING WATER, PLUNGE, HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL, VIOLINS, PLATTER OPENS, STEAM)

TR (MAINE, RICH): My goodness, that is quite a lobster. (SS LOBSTER CRIES) Still quite lively, isn't he. My goodness. Got that water boiling yet, Charles?

FN (MAINE, RICH): Is that a male or a female lobster, Bainbridge?

TR (MAINE, RICH): Not sure, Charles. Let me take a look—

FN (MAINE, RICH): Careful now—

TR (MAINE, RICH): Let me just open up its legs— (LOUD CLACK) Ouch! Ouch!

FN (MAINE, RICH): Don't let it get away—

TR (MAINE, RICH): I've got it— (WRESTLING, SS LOBSTER CRIES) There. In you go! (SPLASH, SS LOBSTER DYING SHRIEK)

(FUNEREAL CHORDS)

GK: Every year lobsters have been chased farther and farther out to sea (MAINE MEN YELLING, OFF)-hiding in deeper, darker places—(CLACKERS)—and there, one dark and stormy night (THUNDER, LIGHTNING, WAVES) a ship is in trouble in a storm (S.O.S. TELEGRAPH. FN RADIO: MAYDAY, MAYDAY, RIGGING, BIG WAVES) and the crew is taken off by helicopter (CHOPPER) and the ship sinks. (STING)

TR (RADIO NEWS): A ship loaded with a hundred tons of steroids sank late last night in Penobscot Bay. Thanks to quick action by the U.S. Coast Guard, the crew was rescued. The load of steroids (FADING) was on its way to Canada...

(UNDERWATER SOUNDS)
(LOW BASS SOUNDS)

GK: And a few weeks later, lobsters the size of Peterbilt trucks (GIANT LOBSTERS ON THE MOVE) are headed up the Penobscot River, their aim revenge. (VENGEFUL LOBSTERS) They rest by day and march by night (LOBSTER MARCH), and their tiny brains have no room for compassion. And so late one night they emerge from the river (GIANT LOBSTER BREATHING, EMERGING FROM RIVER, NEXT LOBSTER, CLACKING, TALKING, MOVING ON GRAVEL), and just for fun, they pick up a fishing boat and crush it (LOBSTER EFFORT, METALLIC CRUNCHING) and then they stomp on a dock (LOBSTERS TROMPING, WOOD BREAKAGE, SPLASHING) and they feel with their giant antennae (SFX) a truck loaded with live lobsters about to leave the warehouse and (LOBSTER LUNGE) they bite the tires (POP, HISS) and open up the back and release their brethren (HAPPY CRIES OF LOBSTERS) (STING, BRIDGE) and now they see the kitchen window of a house where a woman is just putting on a bib with a picture of a lobster on it (LOBSTER SHRIEK) (STING)

TR: What was that, Emily?

SS: What was what?

TR: You didn't hear that horrifying shriek as if from some primitive creature out for blood?

SS: Probably just the screen door.

TR: It didn't sound like a screen door to me.

SS: You look horror-stricken, Jack—

TR: I feel a bit horror-stricken, yes, mmm.

SS: Maybe you need a tranquilizer, Jack.

TR: I think maybe I need a howitzer, Emily.

SS: A howitzer?

TR: You don't feel the floor shaking as if from some enormous creature approaching our home?

SS: Well, you've gained a little weight, Jack.

TR: I thing something is just about to bust in the door. I think I'd better go get that howitzer.

SS: Oh No!— (CRASH OF WOOD, GIANT LOBSTER SHRIEK) — it's huge like a Peterbilt truck— (LOBSTER SHRIEK) it's heading for the pot of boiling water! No! (STING, UNDERSCORE)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

ALL:

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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