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Ketchup script
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Listen
TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. Spring is here and I've been feeling impulsive. So I bought a new computer. And also a guitar. And a recumbent bike. And a riding lawnmower. I was going to tell Barb about it. And then she went into the garage and tripped over the new lawnmower and landed on the recumbent bike, and when I heard her screams from the garage, I came running up from the basement, and forgot to take the guitar off of my neck. Barb got 14 stitches, and the doctor says it's healing fine. And I only have to take the lawnmower back. I can keep the bike and the guitar. The computer's still in the closet. We should have been happy. And then one day I came home from the grocery store and found Barb, sitting at the front window putting antibacterial gel on her leg.
SS: Jim, do you think we're friends?
TR: Don't need to be. We're married.
SS: I know, but. If you met me in the grocery store do you think you'd want to talk to me? Do you think you'd find me an interesting person?
TR: It depends on what aisle you were in, Barb
SS: Okay, so say I'm at the deli case and I'm picking out some lunchmeat. Then what?
TR: I'd stand behind you in line and wait for my turn to order.
SS: But would you talk to me? Would you notice me?
TR: It depends. What are you wearing?
SS: I don't know-does it matter?
TR: Of course not. (A BEAT) Maybe.
SS: Okay say I'm wearing this. I've got on blue jeans and a fish shirt.
TR: And your hair is doing that?
SS: Doing what?
TR: Never mind.
SS: Is there something wrong with my hair?
TR: What are you ordering at the deli counter?
SS: I don't know, knockwurst. Knockwurst and a half pound of seafood salad.
TR: Those things don't go together, Barb.
SS: Well maybe it's for different meals.
TR: I would hope so.
SS: So you're not going to be my friend unless I order something you want? Huh? Is that it? (A BEAT) Never mind, it was a stupid question. It was just one of those things you shouldn't even bring up, and I'm sorry.
TR: Barb, I wonder if you've been getting enough ketchup.
SS: Ketchup, Jim?
TR: That's right Barb, ketchup. Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that keep those impossible questions at bay, the what ifs and the if onlys. Ketchup says "who cares."
SS: Well maybe you're right Jim.
TR: I am.
RD (SINGS):
Springtime is here now
The world around us wakes
Leaves and grass and flowers
The fish are in the lakes
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on pancakes.
GK: Ketchup, for the good times
RD (SINGS): Ketchup, ketchup
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