Mom script
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Listen

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): And now, the story of one man, his mother, and the 8.6 miles of copper wire that separate them. It's Duane. The Chosen Son.

(PHONE RINGS 3X, PICKUP)

GK: Hello?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane? Is that you honey?

GK: Mom?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You don't sound like yourself. You're not depressed are you, Duane? (A BEAT)

GK: You mean now?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You've got that tone in your voice, Duane. You've been thinking negative thoughts again, haven't you—

GK: Mother—

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane, listen to me. Listen to your mother. You're very attractive for your age and weight, I want you to stop wallowing in despair now. I looked up your profile on Facebook and you have two friends. That's not so bad.

GK: I'm going to take it down-

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Of course I'm just hurt that you didn't Friend me, Duane.

GK: You're on Facebook?

SS: Of course, Duane. I'd have been your third friend and I'm sure your dad would've been your fourth. (OFF) Hank! Hank!

TR (OFF): Yeah.

GK: Mother-

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, OFF): Look up Duane's profile on Facebook, Hank! (TR MURMURS) Invite him to be a friend. (TR MURMURS) No your son Duane. (TR MURMUR)

GK: Is there a reason you called, mother?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You don't know? (A BEAT) You forgot that mother's day is coming up? Tomorrow?

GK: Of course, I didn't--

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): That's okay. It means nothing to you and I'm fine with that. I've come to expect it.

GK: Mother-I didn't forget-

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I have been waiting for you to call, Duane. Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, day after day after day after day after day-

GK: I was going to call you, mother- You want to go to brunch?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): No, that's okay. You don't want to go to brunch with me, Duane, and I understand.

GK: I want to, okay? I'll call right now.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): -Well look at that your dad found your Facebook page, Duane. I gotta see this--you wanna talk to your dad then? (A BEAT)

GK: Sure. SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, OFF): Hank-here talk to Duane. (A BEAT) Your son. (TR MUMURS, OFF) Because he wants to talk to you, that's why. (BACK ON PHONE) Here's your dad Duane.

GK: Thanks mom. (A BEAT)

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello son.

GK: Hi dad. (A BEAT)

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): See you got a Facebook page up.

GK: Yes, I do. (A BEAT)

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I wrote on your wall. (A BEAT)

GK: Good. What'd you say?

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Said how's it goin?

GK: Okay. Well, thanks.

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, good talking to you son.

GK: You too dad.

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Here's your mom. SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, OFF): Give me the phone Hank. Duane? Are you there honey?

GK: I'm here mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well Duane, I was just looking at your Facebook profile, honey, and that picture of you — I hate to tell you this but you don't look like that anymore.

GK: Mother, that picture was taken three weeks ago.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Then it's been three hard weeks, Duane. I mean last time we saw you you just looked so tired, Duane. Your coloring was off. And you seemed kind of confused or something--

GK: Do you want to go to brunch Sunday or not?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well now you're mad at me so we might as well just forget it.

GK: I'll make reservations right now.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): No no, don't do it on my behalf Duane. I've got my health, and that's what's important—

GK: Mother— SS (MIDWESTERN): Of course I think I do but I may not. Dr. Harvey is supposed to call me back today.

GK: Are you sick, mom?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well who knows what sick is these days, Duane. I mean are you sick? Is sitting alone day after day in a dark room talking to imaginary friends online the sign of an illness? It's not for me to judge.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Anyway- we're getting up there and pretty soon we'll be gone and you'll have your life to yourself the way you want it. In fact, why wait, Duane? I want to make it easier for you.

GK: Can we not do this?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Which is why I'm having a practice funeral.

GK: A practice funeral?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It's next Wednesday at the Criller Funeral Home. They're gonna lay me out in front and everything. So it's not such a shock when it really happens.

GK: Mom-

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I want no speeches, Duane, none at all. No pictures, no nothing. (CRACKS) In fact you don't even have to look at me. You can text message in the pews. I don't care.

GK: I'm not going to text message at your funeral, mom.

SS: It's the practice funeral, Duane. (SOBS) Because the real one is coming soon enough. I want you to be ready. I want you to have fun (SOBS).

(A BEAT)

GK: Mom.

(A BEAT)

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): What.

GK: Do you want to go to Porky's for Brunch on Mother's Day?


SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE, SNIFFLING): Yes.

GK: Fine. Let's go to brunch.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Can your dad come, too?

GK: Fine. Bring dad.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Because he really likes their pancakes.

GK: I know, mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): He likes those pancakes and also those little sausage things.

GK: Fine.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You really want to go though Duane, right?

GK: There's nothing in the world I'd rather do.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well that is all I wanted to hear, Duane.

GK: I'll make reservations right now. SS (MIDWESTERN): I already did.

GK: You did?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Two months ago. They fill up for Mother's Day.

GK: Okay mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): If you don't want to come, I'll invite a neighbor.

GK: I'll be there, mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Bye honey, love you. See you tomorrow.

GK: Bye mom. (THEME)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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