A Prairie Home Companion: June 7, 2008

English Majors script
Saturday, June 7, 2008
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GK: ....brought to you by the Professional Organization of English Majors.

An English major lives in the same world you and I do (TRAFFIC, HUBBUB. "HEY!" HORNS), the chaotic world of eighty-five things happening at once, but with an English major, it's different. The English major has a narrator.

SS: (INTERIOR) She looked at him across the table. Who was this man? Why was he talking to her?

GK: That's the narrator. Sometimes it gets in the way.

TR: You seem so distant, Melissa. Is something wrong? Are you mad at me?

SS (INTERIOR): Suddenly she could feel her underwear stuck in her cheeks. And she thought of the man she adored. Where was he? Who was the man across the table?

TR: Hello? It's me. Arnie. Remember? We're on a date.

SS: Sorry. What were you saying? (INTERIOR) I remember that night in the hotel and it was him and me and the two of us and I said yes I said yes O yes I will I said yes I will have eggs for breakfast, a fortifying breakfast, and it was beautiful—

TR: Is something wrong? Are you angry? What did I do?

GK: You didn't do anything. But the English major is always hearing a subtext.

SS: No. I'm fine. (INTERNAL) The tall dark-haired woman looked at him and drank her coffee. Snow was falling all over Ireland and inside her petticoat bodice was a poem from the man she adored who also was an English major and so he understood her.

TR: I'm leaving now, Melissa. Okay? Bye. See you later.

SS: Bye. (INTERIOR) She watched the back of him as he left and she felt a vague sense of relief.

GK: The presence of an internal narrator means that English majors often are not good in high pressure situations.

SS (INTERNAL): She stood and looked at the audience who stared up at her like codfish at the butchers, she stood silently watching them as one by one they got up from their seats and left the room.

GK: And that's why English majors often must find menial work.

TR (ON SPEAKER PHONE): Uh, I'd like the double cheeseburger with jumbo fries and the Big Boy malt? Okay?

SS: Drive ahead to the window. (INTERIOR) The smell of fat frying excited her and the smell of salt reminded her of the sea yes the sea where you could do what you liked for ever and ever...

TR (ON PHONE): Hey! You got my order???

SS: (INTERIOR) ....and him with his hands around her kissing her and snaking himself around and her going oh yes yes oh yes

TR (ON PHONE): I thought this was supposed to be fast food????

GK: English majors can never give you their complete attention. There's a lot going on inside. Thank you for your patience.

A word from the Professional Organization of English Majors.