Rhubarb script
Saturday, June 21, 2008

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GK: So after a year of waiting tables—

TR: Hi, I'm Jed and I'll be your waitperson today...

GK: You've finally gotten a role in a play—you've been cast as Hamlet at an outdoor theater in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio.

TR: Me, Hamlet!

GK: And there's an agent from New York who is coming to the show—

TR: Oh my gosh-my big chance—

GK: So you invite everybody you know (CROWD MURMURING)-your mom (MOM MURMURS), your dad (DAD MURMURS), your sisters and brothers and friends from work and people you went to high school with and haven't seen for 20 years (CROWD MURMURS), and then the lights go down and you're on!

TR (HAMLET): O that this too too solid flesh would melt, Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew! (CONTINUES,UNDER JET COMING IN FOR LANDING) Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! O God!

GK: A big 757 is coming in to the Akron-Canton airport-

TR (HAMLET): To be, or not to be: that is the question: (MOSQUITO) Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? (MOSQUITO)

SS: What did he say?

FN: Don't know.

SS: Didn't he used to be fat?

GK: The thing about outdoor theater is that you can hear the audience as well as they can hear you. Because the wind carries voices (WIND) right up to the stage.

SS: We used to call him Mr. Fattycakes.

TR (HAMLET): To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say (PLANE LANDS, DOGS BARKING) we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, (MOSQUITO, SLAP) 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. (CELLPHONE) To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come (CELL PHONE,

SS: Is that your cellphone?

FN: Huh? Oh. Sorry.) When we have shuffled off this mortal coil— (

SS: Turn it off—)

FN: Hello?

TR (HAMLET): For who would bear the whips and scorns of time (LOUD BIRDS)

GK: There are birds in the light rigging-directly overhead. You move out of the line of fire—

TR (HAMLET): The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely—

FN: I can't talk now-I'm at a play—

TR (HAMLET): But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will (BABY CRIES) And makes us rather bear those ills

GK: The same couple with the cell phone is opening their champagne bottle (CHAMPAGNE UNCORKING) And it hits you in the head (POP, THUK)

SS: Oh my gosh, I am so sorry—(DOG BARKS)

TR (HAMLET): And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought—(CONTINUES, UNDER)

GK: And then you see a guy off to the left scribbling in a notebook and frowning (SCRIBBLING) —it's him-it's the agent—

TR (HAMLET): Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, and that I had some slings and arrows and some outrageous fortune—

GK: You already said those lines—

GK: And you stand there in the spotlight, everybody's staring at you-and then you feel something vibrating in your pants (VIBRATING PHONE)—your phone! You forgot to turn it off!

GK: And you can't remember any more of your lines anyway, so you pull your phone out of your pocket.

(PICKUP)

TR: Hello? SS (ON PHONE): Jed, it's Lisa. Jed, I wanted to tell you-I've met someone else.

(THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(SINGS)

Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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