Saturday, June 28, 2008
GK: It's June, the month of the big church wedding.
(WEDDING ORGAN, WAGNER). All these hopeful couples out to beat the 50% divorce rate. It's so tempting to have the big church wedding (TR PREACHER DRONES, FN WOMAN CRIES), and yet studies show that you can dramatically increase your long-term odds of staying togeher if you go for something a little more personalized, like the beach wedding. (SURF, SEAGULLS). You ride a white horse bareback down to the beach (HORSE NICKERS) and the priest is a multigendered spiritual guide who speaks in tongues (FN SPEAKS IN TONGUES)-and there is a Peruvian Panflute Band (SFX) and afterwards you just go out for pizza (TR: Large sausage with extra cheese...-oh and I have a coupon—) Divorce rate there-40%.
And then there's the scuba wedding. The bride gets into her white wetsuit (SQUEEZING INTO WETSUIT) and grabs her bouquet of algae and they say their vows (UNDERWATER "I DO")—and there is an underwater bagpiper (SFX) and that one carries a 37% risk of divorce.
There's the roller coaster wedding (ROLLER COASTER CLIMBING, TR PRIEST: Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to fasten Daryl and Kendra in the holy seatbelt of matrimony — Daryl, do you take this woman to be-ROLLER COASTER DESCENDS, SCREAMS)-32% divorce rate.
GK: Or there's the mountaintop wedding (WIND, MOUNTAIN GOAT TR: You may kiss the bride)-29%—and the bungee jump wedding (SS: I take you, Jeremy, to love and to honor until death do us — FALLING CRY— BUNGEE JUMP) 23%—and then you have the space wedding (DARTH VADAR BREATHING, TR IN HELMET: I take thee, Sonia, to be my wife in all galaxies)-expensive but only a 21% risk there-there's the running of the bulls wedding (BULLS STAMPEDE SS: Rick?! Rick?!?!) only an 18% chance of failure there but a 90% chance of heavy bruising-there's the wedding where they lower you on a rope into a volcano (SQUEAKING ROPE, BUBBLING, STEAM, TR: We are dangling here today, above the firey abyss, to join Molly and Jay in holy matrimony-) a slim 15% chance of divorce there, and then finally the most successful wedding, the one where you are married on board a ship in the north Atlantic as it steams through a field of icebergs (BIG CRUNCH, BOAT CRACKING, SCREAMS) — only an 8% chance of divorce. Marriage is hard, but if you get the hard stuff out of the way first, it's a lot better. (SHIP HORN) So ditch your church wedding and go for something more adventurous. (PLANE, SKYDIVERS JUMP OUT) Like skydiving. Or how about the two of you in one car and the minister and your parents in another side by side, 80 miles an hour down the freeway and then you leap from car to car? (CAR FAST — TR: Tiffany? Alex? Do you have the rings? Aiiiiiii!) Good luck to all the June brides and grooms.