A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Fishing script
Saturday, July 12, 2008

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(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman; MT: Mark Thompson)

(A FEW LIGHT CHORDS. OUTDOOR AMBIENCE. DISTANT GULLS, WAVELETS AGAINST BOAT.)

GK: Kind of hot out here.

TR: Have a beer.

GK: Too hot for beer.

TR: Put on your hat then.

GK: Man, I'm getting no bites whatsoever. Not even a nibble. You want to pull up anchor and move?

TR: Now?

GK: Yeah.

TR: We just got here.

GK: We've been here four hours.

TR: That's what I mean.

GK: Maybe I'll just swim to shore.

TR: Kind of a long way.

GK: Doesn't look that far to me. Three-quarters of a mile. I'll take my seat cushion.

TR: Jever think--- maybe your minnow died.

GK: Wouldn't be surprised.

TR: Try one of my marshmallows.

GK: I don't fish with marshmallows.

TR: Suit yourself. ---- Walleyes love em.

GK: Next thing you'll be fishing with a cream puff.

TR: Maybe I already am. (REEL) See--- what'd I tell you ---- (STRAINING, REELING) Marshmallows----- man, that's what does it every time. (SPLASH)

GK: Wow. Looks like a two-three-pounder.

TR: Nice little fish. (FISH FLOPPING)

GK: Where's the stringer?

TR: Don't need the stringer.

GK: What do you mean? (SPLASH) What'd you throw it over for? That was a keeper.

TR: Not big enough.

GK: You didn't even weigh it.

TR: Didn't need to. (REEL) Whoa---- what is this?---- (STRAINING, REELING) Boy, this is a fighter. This a good one. (SPLASH) (TELEPHONE RING)

GK: You've hooked a ½ pound cell phone.

TR: (TELEPHONE) (PICKUP) Hello? ---- Who? ---- No. Wrong number. (SPLASH)

GK: Why'd you throw it in the lake?

TR: Don't need a cell phone. (REEL) Whoa---- man, when they come, they come in bunches! ---- (STRAINING, REELING) Boy, this is more than a four pounder, I'll tell you. (SPLASH)

GK: It's a lawnmower. A brand-new one. How did that get down there?

TR: Looks like it still works. (PULL STARTER ROPE, ENGINE STARTS UP) Yeah. Works great. (BIG SPLASH, MOTOR DIES)

GK: What'd you throw that back for? It was perfectly good.

TR: Don't need a lawnmower.

GK: Well, maybe I did. Did you ever think of that?

TR: Should've said something. (REEL) Boy O boy, here's another one---- (STRAINING, REELING) Man, this is a keeper, that's for sure. (SPLASH)

GK: A radio?

TR: Still works, I betcha. (TUNING THROUGH THE DIAL: MUSIC. newSCASTER. HEAVY METAL. RUSH LIMBAUGH. MUSIC) You want a radio?

GK: Sure, I do. Hey, don't throw it---- (BIG SPLASH) What'd you throw it back for?

TR: Didn't hear you.

GK: It was a perfectly good radio.

TR: Already got one.

GK: Well, so what? You could give it to someone.

TR: (REEL) Boy, they're hittin now---- one right after the other. (STRAINING, REELING) Man, this is a heavy one. Hope the line don't break. (SPLASH)

MT: (SINGING) O Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling,

GK: A tenor!

MT (SINGING): From glen to glen and down the mountain side---- (BIG SPLASH)

TR: You didn't want me to keep that, didja?

GK: No, I guess not. --- What were you using for bait just then? A marshmallow?

TR: No. For tenors ---- I use a wad of cash.

GK: I see. What about sopranos?

TR: For sopranos, you use a mirror.

GK: A mirror, huh?

TR: That's what attracts em.

GK: What about politicians?

TR: Same as tenors and sopranos.

GK: Listen-----

TR: What?

GK: Listen----- you don't hear it?

TR: Hear what?

GK: Thought I heard a banjo.

TR: You did?

GK: Thought I did.

TR: Well, maybe we should head in then.

GK: You want to head in?

TR: May as well.

GK: Okay.

TR: Unless you want to stay.

GK: No, no. (PULL OF STARTER ROPE, OUTBOARD MOTOR REVS AND BOAT PULLS AWAY) (MUSIC BUTTON)