Grandstand Script
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Listen (MP3)



GK: And now, if you would please direct your attention to the front of grandstand, where Fearless Fred Newman in his sequined leotard is about to dive headfirst from a 300-foot tower and land on this lightly moistened sponge (SQUISH). If we could have complete silence. (DRUMROLL, LEAP, SCREAMING, SPLORT, TA DA MUSIC) that is just amazing, and you'll only see that at the Minnesota State Fair, and now if you direct your attention to the left, the Curtiss biplane flying low over the stadium (AIRPLANE FLYING LOW) and on the wing is Tom "the Killer" Keith---he's out there wing walking (MAN WING WALKING) without any cables, no safety whatsoever-he is running back and forth on that wing (RUNNING ON WING) and with a pair of scissors in his left hand (SCISSORS). Very dangerous-a wild man running on the wing of a plane in flight, with a pair of scissors-only at the fair-and now here comes the Fearless Fred again, and he's riding in on a horse (RIDING ON HORSE) and he's got a flamethrower in one hand (FLAMETHROWER) and a fire extinguisher in the other (FIRE EXTINGUISHER)-yes, holding on to that wild, galloping horse with only the strength of his steely thighs, the fearless Fred is aiming his flamethrower at the beautiful Juanita holding the cotton candy in her hand (FLAMETHROWER) and he lights it on fire (WHOOSH) and then (FIRE EXTINGUISHER) just like that, it's out again-all from the back of a wild horse (WILD HORSE), and that is the kind of thing that only happens at the Minnesota State Fair-that and also this-Tom "the Killer" Keith - here he is juggling chainsaws (JUGGLING CHAINSAWS), while also deep-frying a 400-pound super-jumbo mini-doughnut in boiling hot oil (PLUNGE, BUBBLING) all the while wearing a loincloth made of live cats around his waist. (LIVE CATS). Wow. And here comes Fred, he's at the controls of a helicopter, (CHOPPER), and as he flies over the grandstand stage he is going to leap out (MAN LEAPS FROM CHOPPER), releasing over a dozen white doves from his pantleg (DOVES ESCAPE), and down he goes, landing in a vat of lime jello (WARBLE),-and not to be outdone, here comes Tom Keith in a giant 18-wheeler semi (GIANT TRUCK) and the truck is filled with highly explosive fireworks but the truck has now stalled out on the train tracks (TRAIN IN DISTANCE) and here comes the train, and Tom The Killer Keith is trying to get the truck out of the mud-(WHEELS IN MUD) but it's no use-he'd better get out of that giant explosive truck and quick-but it's too late, here comes the train-(TRAIN APPROACHES, EXPLOSION, FIREWORKS)-oh no-what have we done? Tom Keith, lost in a hideous train accident, right here on the Minnesota State Fairgrounds (BAGPIPE)-but wait---- who's this coming out from the wings, and wearing a kilt and a big red cape, playing the bagpipes? Why it's Tom Keith, ladies and gentlemen! How did he do it?

FN: I can do something a whole lot more amazing that that.

TK: Ha.

FN: I can get these dolphins to form a pyramid (DOLPHINS) and I'll climb on top and fire this laser gun at that meteoroid (LASER SHOT)-----

TK: Cheap tricks. Pay no attention to him.

FN: And down from the sky comes a 1000-volt hairdryer--- (SFX)

TK: That's easy. Anybody can do that.

FN: And an espresso machine (SFX)-----

TK: An espresso machine??? Sounds like somebody clearing his throat.

FN: Out of the way.

TK: You get out of the way.

FN: Look out. (KNIFE THROW, BOINGGGGG)

TK: Look out, yourself. (GUNSHOTS)

FN: Look out behind you. It's a giant attack chicken. (CHICKEN TAIKWANDO)

TK: And here comes my attack chicken. (CHICKEN)

GK: It's starting to get ugly here---- we return you to our regular programming already in progress. (BAND INST)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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