Guy Noir Script
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Listen (MP3)


TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building-one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: I was in my office working on my income taxes. The quarterly estimate. From the spring of 1985. Everytime I sit down to do taxes, my mind wanders after awhile and I never — (PHONE RINGS, PICKUP) Yeah, Noir here.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Diane Sorenson and-(CHOKES) I want to report a missing husband.

GK: I see—

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): We're at the State Fair. Or we were. I mean, I am, but I don't know where he is. We were in line for bacon on a stick and I went to the ladies' room and when I came back he was gone—

GK: You can't call him on his cellphone?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): He gave me his cellphone. So he wouldn't set it down and forget it.

GK: He gave his cellphone to you—

SS: I'm so worried, Mr. Noir. Lyle needs to take his medication-

GK: What's the medication for, Mrs. Sorenson?

SS: Lyle suffers from whooping cough. Except he doesn't cough. He just whoops. He's a social studies teacher, so he needs to have this under control.

GK: I see.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Without the medication, he's liable to get crazy.

GK: And with the medication ---

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): With the medication he's quiet, thoughtful, mildly depressed- a normal Minnesotan.

GK: What does he look like?


GK: Your husband. Lyle.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well gosh, there's a good question. I'm not sure how to describe it.

GK: You mean him.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Right. Him. I mean he's just Lyle. What else can I say? I'm not sure how to describe it. A little thick around the middle. Brown hair.

GK: Dark brown, light brown---

SS: Medium brown.

GK: Okay. And eyes?

SS: Brown. I think. Greenish brown. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I went to the fairgrounds. There were barkers, coming at you from all directions- (OVERLAP)

TR: It carves, chops, severs, slits, snips, strips, splits, shreds, peels, pares, prunes, slashes, smashes, squishes, slices, dices, dissects, minces, mangles, hews, hacks, lacerates, pulverizes, and rends asunder-

TR: The amazing Clara will guess your weight…she'll guess your body mass by looking at your…midsection.

FN: …Now watch when I pull the string, the little hula girl shakes her hips and she winks at you—see that? Let me show you again-

TR: The amazing Mari-she'll guess your age…step right up and find out how old you look….

TK: …the siding is waterproof, it's easy to install, it just snaps together like this (CLICK CLICK)

FN: Try your luck shoot the duck-shoot the duck, win a stuffed animal-only two tickets to play--shoot the duck-step right up—

TR: The outrageous I-Leona - she's in the tent now - she's right in there- your chance to see the outrageous I-leona (BRIDGE)

GK: I walked into the Midway (RIDES, SCREAMING), I didn't see anybody who looked like Lyle, and then I was in the poultry barn (CHICKENS), and there was a long line of chickens, wearing tiny helmets and competing in the archery event. (CHICKENS DOING ARCHERY)- and a panel of judges sat to one side (JOWLY MUTTERING, SCRIBBLING). I wandered over to the Horse Barn and it was the same thing. Horses walking up on their hind legs playing basketball (HORSES PLAYING BASKETBALL), shooting hoops, playing Horse--- in the cattle barn I walked in on the Bovine Agility Trials. There was a cow in a doing a routine on the uneven bars (COW UNEVEN BARS), one running up to vault the pommel horse and (COW SPRINGING OFF SPRINGBOARD, LEAPS INTO AIR, —-CELL PHONE RINGS, COW LANDS, PICKUP)

GK: Noir here.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Did you find him yet?

GK: Still looking, Mrs. Sorenson.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Someone said they might have seen him over by the 4-H barn. I'm in line for a rhubarb smoothie and I don't want to lose my place-could you go look? (BRIDGE)

GK: I walked over to the 4-H building expecting to find farm kids in plaid shirts doing arts and crafts projects and instead I found a cavernous warehouse filled with kids hovered over computer screens.

TK (TEEN): Oh hi. I'm Kevan. Want to see my 4-H project? I've created an online community for livestock.

GK: Okay. Great.

TK (TEEN): It's called breed - a lot - dot com. If like, a farmer has a cow that he needs to breed with a specific type of bull, (CLICK) he can post her picture here (CLICK)

GK: I think I get it- I thought 4-H was supposed to be about -you know-Head, Heart, Hands, and Health.

TK (TEEN): Yeah. It was. But now it stands for High Tech, Home Page, Hyperconnectivity, and Haplotype Maps.

GK: You wouldn't be able to locate a missing person with that, would you? Someone at the Fair?

TK (TEEN): Sure. Let me check satellite image. Just take a second—

GK: Medium build and brown hair and if he doesn't take his medication soon, he'll start whooping.

TK (TEEN): I'm on it. Should just take a second, here-- (TYPING, BEEPING)

GK: And while he was doing that, Princess Kay of the Milky Way came by. SS (SULLEN TEEN): Actually I'm Princess Joy of the Land of Soy.

GK: Oh. Sorry. SS (SULLEN TEEN): Yeah I don't do Dairy. Because do you know what cows do to the earth?

GK: No. SS (SULLEN TEEN): They trample it. They poop on it. They ruin it. They create 150 pounds of manure a day. Which creates runoff and bacteria in lakes. Anyway I gotta go. They're gonna carve my face out of tofu. Bye. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)

TK (TEEN): Okay, I'm getting a GPS reading. I've got a location on the guy. And it looks like he's-(WHOOPING) Right behind you.

TR: Are we having fun yet?

GK: Mr. Sorenson?

TR: That's my name, don't wear it out (WHOOPS)

TK (TEEN): What's wrong with him?

TR: Hey, you want to see what I can do with my armpit? (FART NOISES) Bet you can't do that, can you? (GOOFY LAUGHTER)

GK: Let's go take your medicine, Mr. Sorenson.

TR: I don't want to take my medicine. I want to be happy. Like this. (SINGS) Put my right foot in, and put my right foot out, I put my right foot in, and I shake it all about (WHOOP)

TK (TEEN): You want me to call security?

GK: That's okay, Kevan. I think I've got it from here. (BRIDGE)

SS (MIDWESTERN): I can't thank you enough, Mr. Noir. Thanks to you, Lyle is back to his normal self again. TR (DRONING): The United States Government is made up of three branches. The legislative branch, the executive branch, and the judicial branch--

GK: Glad I could help.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Now about your fee--- I don't have much cash left, but I'd like to pay you with tickets to rides--- I have three sheets of tickets—

GK: Tickets to rides?

SS (MIDWESTERN): You got the Zipper, the Scrambler, The Cliff Hanger, the Space Roller-good times. (

TR: Who can tell me one of the constitutional rights?)

GK: It's all right. My stomach is a little sensitive-I'm not good at rides.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Then you can do the Giant Slide. It's like a starter ride.

GK: I don't want to do the Giant Slide.

SS (MIDWESTERN): It's easy. You just hop on a big gunny sack and down you go.

GK: I'm not going to hop on a gunny sack.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Oh, I know--Ye Old Mill.

GK: No.

SS (MIDWESTERN): It's not even a ride. It's a boat. Goes through a dark tunnel. Go with your sweetie and who knows what might happen, eh?

GK: I don't have a sweetie.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Well. Then how about I buy you all the milk you can drink? Over there by the entrance gates-sound good? You're not lactose intolerant, are you?

GK: Not yet. But I'm thinking about switching to soy. You know what cows do to the environment? (THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

American Public Media © |   Terms and Conditions   |   Privacy Policy