Guy Noir Script
Saturday, August 30, 2008
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building-one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: I was in my office working on my income taxes. The quarterly estimate. From the spring of 1985. Everytime I sit down to do taxes, my mind wanders after awhile and I never — (PHONE RINGS, PICKUP) Yeah, Noir here.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Diane Sorenson and-(CHOKES) I want to report a missing husband.
GK: I see—
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): We're at the State Fair. Or we were. I mean, I am, but I don't know where he is. We were in line for bacon on a stick and I went to the ladies' room and when I came back he was gone—
GK: You can't call him on his cellphone?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): He gave me his cellphone. So he wouldn't set it down and forget it.
GK: He gave his cellphone to you—
SS: I'm so worried, Mr. Noir. Lyle needs to take his medication-
GK: What's the medication for, Mrs. Sorenson?
SS: Lyle suffers from whooping cough. Except he doesn't cough. He just whoops. He's a social studies teacher, so he needs to have this under control.
GK: I see.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Without the medication, he's liable to get crazy.
GK: And with the medication ---
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): With the medication he's quiet, thoughtful, mildly depressed- a normal Minnesotan.
GK: What does he look like?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Who?
GK: Your husband. Lyle.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well gosh, there's a good question. I'm not sure how to describe it.
GK: You mean him.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Right. Him. I mean he's just Lyle. What else can I say? I'm not sure how to describe it. A little thick around the middle. Brown hair.
GK: Dark brown, light brown---
SS: Medium brown.
GK: Okay. And eyes?
SS: Brown. I think. Greenish brown.
GK: So I went to the fairgrounds. There were barkers, coming at you from all directions-
TR: It carves, chops, severs, slits, snips, strips, splits, shreds, peels, pares, prunes, slashes, smashes, squishes, slices, dices, dissects, minces, mangles, hews, hacks, lacerates, pulverizes, and rends asunder-
TR: The amazing Clara will guess your weight…she'll guess your body mass by looking at your…midsection.
FN: …Now watch when I pull the string, the little hula girl shakes her hips and she winks at you—see that? Let me show you again-
TR: The amazing Mari-she'll guess your age…step right up and find out how old you look….
TK: …the siding is waterproof, it's easy to install, it just snaps together like this (CLICK CLICK)
FN: Try your luck shoot the duck-shoot the duck, win a stuffed animal-only two tickets to play--shoot the duck-step right up—
TR: The outrageous I-Leona - she's in the tent now - she's right in there- your chance to see the outrageous I-leona
GK: I walked into the Midway (RIDES, SCREAMING), I didn't see anybody who looked like Lyle, and then I was in the poultry barn (CHICKENS), and there was a long line of chickens, wearing tiny helmets and competing in the archery event. (CHICKENS DOING ARCHERY)- and a panel of judges sat to one side (JOWLY MUTTERING, SCRIBBLING). I wandered over to the Horse Barn and it was the same thing. Horses walking up on their hind legs playing basketball (HORSES PLAYING BASKETBALL), shooting hoops, playing Horse--- in the cattle barn I walked in on the Bovine Agility Trials. There was a cow in a doing a routine on the uneven bars (COW UNEVEN BARS), one running up to vault the pommel horse and (COW SPRINGING OFF SPRINGBOARD, LEAPS INTO AIR, —-CELL PHONE RINGS, COW LANDS, PICKUP)
GK: Noir here.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Did you find him yet?
GK: Still looking, Mrs. Sorenson.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Someone said they might have seen him over by the 4-H barn. I'm in line for a rhubarb smoothie and I don't want to lose my place-could you go look?
GK: I walked over to the 4-H building expecting to find farm kids in plaid shirts doing arts and crafts projects and instead I found a cavernous warehouse filled with kids hovered over computer screens.
TK (TEEN): Oh hi. I'm Kevan. Want to see my 4-H project? I've created an online community for livestock.
GK: Okay. Great.
TK (TEEN): It's called breed - a lot - dot com. If like, a farmer has a cow that he needs to breed with a specific type of bull, (CLICK) he can post her picture here (CLICK)
GK: I think I get it- I thought 4-H was supposed to be about -you know-Head, Heart, Hands, and Health.
TK (TEEN): Yeah. It was. But now it stands for High Tech, Home Page, Hyperconnectivity, and Haplotype Maps.
GK: You wouldn't be able to locate a missing person with that, would you? Someone at the Fair?
TK (TEEN): Sure. Let me check satellite image. Just take a second—
GK: Medium build and brown hair and if he doesn't take his medication soon, he'll start whooping.
TK (TEEN): I'm on it. Should just take a second, here--
GK: And while he was doing that, Princess Kay of the Milky Way came by.
SS (SULLEN TEEN): Actually I'm Princess Joy of the Land of Soy.
GK: Oh. Sorry.
SS (SULLEN TEEN): Yeah I don't do Dairy. Because do you know what cows do to the earth?
SS (SULLEN TEEN): They trample it. They poop on it. They ruin it. They create 150 pounds of manure a day. Which creates runoff and bacteria in lakes. Anyway I gotta go. They're gonna carve my face out of tofu. Bye. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
TK (TEEN): Okay, I'm getting a GPS reading. I've got a location on the guy. And it looks like he's-(WHOOPING) Right behind you.
TR: Are we having fun yet?
GK: Mr. Sorenson?
TR: That's my name, don't wear it out (WHOOPS)
TK (TEEN): What's wrong with him?
TR: Hey, you want to see what I can do with my armpit? (FART NOISES) Bet you can't do that, can you? (GOOFY LAUGHTER)
GK: Let's go take your medicine, Mr. Sorenson.
TR: I don't want to take my medicine. I want to be happy. Like this. (SINGS) Put my right foot in, and put my right foot out, I put my right foot in, and I shake it all about (WHOOP)
TK (TEEN): You want me to call security?
GK: That's okay, Kevan. I think I've got it from here.
SS (MIDWESTERN): I can't thank you enough, Mr. Noir. Thanks to you, Lyle is back to his normal self again.
TR (DRONING): The United States Government is made up of three branches. The legislative branch, the executive branch, and the judicial branch--
GK: Glad I could help.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Now about your fee--- I don't have much cash left, but I'd like to pay you with tickets to rides--- I have three sheets of tickets—
GK: Tickets to rides?
SS (MIDWESTERN): You got the Zipper, the Scrambler, The Cliff Hanger, the Space Roller-good times. (
TR: Who can tell me one of the constitutional rights?)
GK: It's all right. My stomach is a little sensitive-I'm not good at rides.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Then you can do the Giant Slide. It's like a starter ride.
GK: I don't want to do the Giant Slide.
SS (MIDWESTERN): It's easy. You just hop on a big gunny sack and down you go.
GK: I'm not going to hop on a gunny sack.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Oh, I know--Ye Old Mill.
SS (MIDWESTERN): It's not even a ride. It's a boat. Goes through a dark tunnel. Go with your sweetie and who knows what might happen, eh?
GK: I don't have a sweetie.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Well. Then how about I buy you all the milk you can drink? Over there by the entrance gates-sound good? You're not lactose intolerant, are you?
GK: Not yet. But I'm thinking about switching to soy. You know what cows do to the environment?
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.