The Lives of the Cowboys script
Saturday, September 6, 2008
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Santa Fe Brand Manicure sets for cowboys. They're disguised to look like tobacco cans. Just because you're out on the trail doesn't mean you can't have attractive nails. And now, the Lives of the Cowboys.
(COWS LOWING, HORSES)
GK: Vermont, Dusty. Quite a place. Rather pleasant, don't you think?
TR: Aw- Too hilly and too many darn trees, if you ask me.
GK: It's called scenery.
TR: And too dang many white picket fences. People think they're too good for barbed wire or something.
GK: Anyway we're here for the Alternative Energy Jamboree. They've discovered that cow flop is a prime source of energy. Who's this coming?
FN (HARVARD): Hi! So glad to see you! I'm Bernard Wolfe, the head of the Jamboree. Call me Bunny.
TR: Your name is Bunny?
FN (HARVARD): What's yours?
TR: If yours is Bunny, then mine is gonna be Rattler.
FN (HARVARD): Beautiful. This way. Please. Can I make you a drink? (BRIDGE)
GK: We led the cows to a grassy area behind a tent where the jamboree would take place and I walked around- I didn't know how to say it to Dusty but I loved Vermont the moment I set foot in it. It was just so darned pleasant. Civilized. No gunfighters strutting up and down. No disgusting drunken cowpokes. No spitting. No smell of manure. Not in town. I loved it. (STRUMS)
As I walked out in the city of Burlington
As I walked in the state of Vermont
I saw sandals and candles and Mandela circles
And not all that much that a cowboy would want.
Then up spoke a stranger who was wearing white linen
White linen shirt and white linen suit
He was skinny and shiny and finely accessorized
With beautiful flowers embossed on his boots.
"I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy,"
He said. "I was a cowhand on the Santa Fe Trail
"But now I sell real estate here in the valley
And instead of a campfire I just do e-mail."
He said he missed cattle and sagebrush and bedrolls
And watching the deer and the antelope play
And I said, if what you want is being a cowboy,
How bout we trade places? And he said okay.
And now he is herding cattle out in Wyoming
Out on the trail and riding an ornery bronc
And I am eating arugula salads
With a very nice glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
I would happily trade my life as a cowboy
For a genteel life in Vermont, of course,
So if you're a woman who needs a roommate
Come talk to me, I'm the man on the horse.
TR: Why in the world did we bring the cattle to this here Alernative Energy Jamboree?
GK: Just being good citizens.
TR: What are we supposed to do with them there?
GK: What do you mean, what are we supposed to do? It's the cattle are supposed to do it.
TR: You mean----
TR: And we've got to---
GK: Yep. It's all about turning cowflop to energy.
TR: So we'd better get out the bran flakes, huh?
GK: There's gonna be an audience, so the cows got to do this on cue.
TR: Never tried to tell a cow when to take a dump before.
SS: Mr. Dusty, Mr. Lefty ---- I'm Alicia. I understand you two are partners.
TR: Yeah. Sort of.
SS: Well, I'd like you to meet my partner, Wanda.
SS (DEEP): Hi. Pleased t'meetcha.
GK: Nice cargo shorts.
SS (DEEP): Yeah, well, just keep your hands off the cargo.
GK: Don't worry.
SS: So we are so so very pleased you could come all this
way to take part in the Jamboree. Did you know enough methane is generated by Vermont's cows to heat Burlington for an entire day in January?
SS: The methane is trapped in barns and when the barn doors are opened, the methane goes sliding downhill and into valleys and it winds up in a major river valley and so we can collect it in two or three strategic places in a giant vacuum. See this? (COW MOO AND FART, VACUUM) The methane from that one cow is enough to run that copying machine for ten minutes. (COPIER)
GK: Must be a comfort to the cow to know that every time she cuts one she produces more memos.
TR: Probably enough b.s. in the memos to heat Burlington for a week.
FN (HARVARD): Hi. Good to see you again. Sorry you missed the cocktail party last night. We had organic wheatgrass shots. Ever had those?
Wonderful. So? You ready?
GK: We shall soon see. (COWS MOOING)
SS: If you could just bring the cows into the arena here----
TR: Hee yaw. Git. (COWS) (WALKING)
GK: Wow. Quite a crowd.
SS: There's a lot of interest in this in Vermont.
GK: People haven't seen a cow defecate before?
SS: A lot of New Yorkers here.
FN (HARVARD, ON MIC): Okay. This thing on? (HE BLOWS INTO MIC) Let me turn this up. (FEEDBACK) Sorry. Okay---- better. Hi. I'm Bunny Wolfe and on behalf of the Foundation board I want to say just how nifty it is that you're all here. We've got mulching toilets, we've got wind energy, we've got it all, and right now we'd like to show you how fresh manure can be made into fuel in just thirty seconds using organic materials. Dusty, Lefty---
GK: Let's go, pardner. (COW MOO, FOOTSTEPS) Come on----- what's the cow's name?
TR: Name? We don't name cows. We're cowboys.
GK: C'mon boss. In the ring. (COW MOO)
TR: How we going to do this?
GK: Cow is full of alfalfa. She's gotta be ready to go.
TR: Maybe she's modest.
GK: Then turn her so she's not facing the audience.
TR: But then they're gonna see her butt ----
GK: Okay. I'll just stand in front of her then. (MOO) Come on, babes. Let go of it. You can do it.
TR: Want me to get the mineral oil?
GK: No, but you might try a suppository.
TR: What do you want me to do with that?
GK: Two guesses.
TR: Why don't you do it?
GK: Cause you're back there (MOO) Lift up her tail, Dusty. (TR EFFORT) Push it all the way in. (COW BELLOW) Good. You got it.
FN (HARVARD): Fascinating to watch you ---- there really is a bond there between you and the animal --- how's she coming boys?
TR: It's on its way. Just a matter of time.
FN (HARVARD): Beautiful.
GK: I wouldn't go that far. ---- C'mon, boss. Bear down. (MOO) Imagine you're giving birth. (PAINED MOO) Twist her tail and hold it up high. Sort of prime the pump.
TR: Like this? (COW HIGH-PITCHED MOO)
GK: That's it. Something's happening. (COW MOO) Get a bucket, somebody. It's on the way. (COW MOO)
SS (HILARY): Excuse me.
GK: Senator Clinton----
SS (HILARY): I heard someone mention alternative energy and I wanted to come in and talk about what I have done over the past six years, working with people of all walks of life, working for cheaper energy, lower gas prices, better schools, good jobs----- (COW FLOP, IN THREE SPLORTS AND SPLATS)
GK: Good job, Senator. You sure moved old boss here.
SS (HILARY): Glad to help. (BRIDGE)
GK: So ---- how'd you like Vermont, Dusty?
TR: A little bit too smiley-faced for me. Too much nurturing, not enough bitching.
GK: Time to head west and get some discouraging words.
TR: You stepped in a pile of energy there.
SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Montpelier Cat Farm, breeder of Holstein Cats. (BIG MEOW). Twenty-five percent more milk production from the Holstein cat than from any other dairy cat (BIG MEOW).