Rhubarb script
Saturday, September 6, 2008


GK: So you're a big-time hedge fund manager in New York City, living the urban life (CAR HORNS)-you work 80 hours a week (TR: Get me Karen on the phone. SS: Yes sir) and you play eighteen holes of golf in 30 minutes (TR EFFORTS SPEED GOLF) and you can get a table at all the best restaurants (FN: THIS WAY SIR, VIOLIN), you've got a collection of vintage cars (VINTAGE CAR ENGINE), and you get invited to all the big rich people gala fundraisers (RICH PEOPLE MURMURING), and then one day you wake up on your 2,000 count Egyptian sheets scented with tangerine, and you think (TR: -I've had enough. This shallow life of materialism is not for me. It's time to move to Vermont, and live off the land.)

So you quit your job (JOWLY MEN MURMURING) and you sell your cars and your apartment for three million dollars and you move up to Vermont and you join a rich persons' organic cooperative called Our Kind of People, and you change your name to Zephyr and you harvest vegetables in the nude all day (DIGGING), which is a great workout, and there are goats (GOATS), and cows (COW) and chickens (CHICKENS) and organic free-range cats (CATS) and grass-fed dogs (DOG PUKING), and you feel so free, so close to nature. People are so open-they share their feelings (CRYING), and at night you gather around the campfire and you sing (SINGING, TAMBOURINE), and as a sign of liberation, you burn your billfold. (SFX)

And everything you eat you grow yourself-soybeans, snap peas, mushrooms, red peppers--and the water you drink comes right from the river- and so it has a little bit of blue-green algae in it, but so what? It's like spinach. But by afternoon you're feeling not so great (STOMACH GROWLS) and you turn sort of green and you feel worse and worse (MORE STOMACH UPSET) and pretty soon you can't move. You're lying naked on a little patch of dirt and the pigs are sniffing you (PIG CURIOSITY) and they call a helicopter (HELICOPTER) and the paramedics arrive (PARAMEDICS) and they wrap you in a sheet and take you away (HELICOPTER TAKES OFF) and they're pumping your stomach (STOMACH PUMP) and pushing fluids at the same time (FLUIDS PUSH) and they give you lots of tests (TESTS), and they give you medicine for blue-green algae poisoning (TAKING MEDICATION) and they run you through a lot of confusing machines (WHIRRING MACHINES) and in about two weeks you're better and then you go downstairs to talk to billing-

SS: That'll be three million dollars.

TR: Three million?!?!?

SS: Three million dollars. You do have insurance, don' t you?

TR: Insurance- Wait- Where's my billfold-?

(THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(SINGS) Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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