Winter script
Saturday, October 11, 2008

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GK: And now, if I could have your attention please, we'd like you to watch an important informational film about winter —- thank you. Could we dim the lights please?

(THEME, FILM RATCHETS UP)

TR (ANNC): WINTER AND YOU. Produced by your U.S.D.A. Home Extension Service.

It's fall now, and you're enjoying the beautiful leaves. The crisp, mild weather. The caramel apples, the hay rides (HORSES NICKERS). But winter is just around the corner. (DEATH CHORD)

Yes, winter. It's cold. (WIND) It's dark. (WOLF) Are you ready for winter? No, you're not. It starts with proper dress and carrying emergency equipment on you at all times. Even in bed. (SS: In bed?) Yes, in bed. People have been known to sleep ski —- get up in the middle of the night and go skiing (SFX) out across the frozen tundra and before you know it — (CRACK, FALLING) you've fallen into a deep pit — (TK AWAKENING) a pit that was dug by someone as a cougar trap — (LOW SNARL) and there's a cougar with you — (SNARL, TK ALARM) and do you have your cougar spray? No—-- so you're not ready. (HIS VOICE GOES DEEP AND SLOW AS PROJECTOR BREAKS DOWN) And now let's talk about starting your car…

GK: We seem to be having technical problems. Thank you for your patience. Our projectionist is working on the problem and we'll resume the film in just a moment. Okay, I think we're all set to go now. (FILM POWERS UP, DIFFERENT THEME)

SS: Oh Bob. Oh Bob. Yes. Yes. Oh my god, you are so wonderful.

GK: Wrong film.

TK (TEEN): Sorry!

TR: Karen-oh Karen--. Oh God. Oh Karen. Yes. Oh yes.

GK: Shut it off please--

SS: Bob. Mmm, Bob—

(FILM POWERS DOWN)

GK: Sorry about that. Our projectionist is working to correct the problem and we'll resume with our informational movie on winter in just a moment. Here we go. (FILM RATCHETS UP)

TR (ANNC) (VOICE COMES UP) … Let's talk about starting your car. (CAR STRUGGLES TO START). You're going to need to use jumper cables. But do you remember which post you attach which cable to? If you attach them properly, you'll start the car. And if you attach them improperly—- (LOUD SHORTING SOUND, SCREECH, THEN QUIET ORGAN…..)

SS: He was a good father, a good worker, a good man, and I know that all of us are going to miss Bob. (SOB) I know I will.

TR (ANNC): One moment of inattention and it's all over. You walk out the door, not noticing the enormous icicle hanging from the eaves and it plunges straight down into your skull (SFX) You forget to drain the pipes and they explode. (SFX) You forget to insulate (FILM WINDS DOWN) the outside of your house and you….

GK: Not again. Sorry. Technical difficulties— Okay we're ready—

(FILM POWERS UP, WRONG THEME)

SS: Oh Bob. Oh Bob. Don't stop-

TR: Karen-Karen yes- yes. Yes!!! Oh yes. Yes.

GK: Wrong film again.

TK (TEEN): Sorry! (FILM POWERS DOWN)

GK: Is this so difficult?

TK (TEEN): Sorry, I don't know what happened that time-honest-(CLANGING, STRUGGLE)

GK: I don't know why that film should be up there-

TK (TEEN): It's kind of a mess up here in the booth-I don't know-(CLANGING, STRUGGLE)

GK: You've got it now?

TK (TEEN): Yeah I've got it. Here we go (FILM RATCHETS UP, THEME)

TR (ANNC): …Bedtime is a time for special caution. You're sleep and you're tempted to get into bed but don't — never get into bed without first checking for bedsnakes. (HISS). Yes, in the cold winter months, reptiles seek out warm places to nest. And what better place than a warm, soft bed? (HISS). Keep a broom next to your bed. And before you get in, thump the bed firmly on all corners (THUMP THUMP THUMP, ANGRY HISS). Then insert the broom inside the bedcovers and sweep towards the end (SWEEPING IN BED, HISS, THUMP, SLITHERS OFF). All clear. And now your bed is ready for you to get in it. And you'll sleep soundly knowing that snake is now….(HISS, OFF) somewhere else.

(FILM GOES OFF THE RAILS AGAIN)

TK (TEEN): Uh oh.

GK: That's okay Lance, I think we've seen enough.

TK (TEEN): We haven't gotten to the part about falling through the ice in your car yet.

GK: We'll save it for next year.

TK (TEEN): Are you sure? I can fix it in a sec—

GK: The U.S.D.A. Home Extension Service, Ladies and Gentlemen: Winter and You. Be Prepared—

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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