A Prairie Home Companion: October 25, 2008

Fear script
Saturday, October 25, 2008

Listen (MP3)
Listen (RealAudio)

GK: Coming up after this message from the Fearmonger's Shop — serving all your phobia needs since 1953. (OMINOUS CHORDS, SPARSE)

It's almost November — and as the weather turns cold, animals will be trying to get into your house. (SCRATCHING). Spiders….. hornets —(HORNETS), mice darting under the refrigerator--(MICE); squirrels in the attic (SQUIRRELS RUSTLE AROUND); one morning a raccoon is sleeping in your laundry pile (RACCOON SNORING, STARTLE), snakes come up your shower drain (RATTLE)-cougars move into your garage (COUGAR); you come home from work one day to find a deer crashing around in your living room. (DEER CRASHES AROUND). But what can you do? All the old methods of keeping them away no longer work. The animals have adapted to poisons (SPRAY)-raccoons laugh at live traps (SNAP, RACCOON LAUGHTER)—they can easily disarm your home security system (BEEPING, DOOR UNLOCKS, RACCOON LAUGHTER)-deer can open sliding doors with their antlers (DEER), so your home is wide open. If you want to run an all-you-can eat buffet for wildlife all winter (BEAR SNUFFLING), it's up to you, but the Fearmongers' Shoppe has a new product guaranteed to keep all pests away, and that is our stuffed buzzard. (STING)

GK: Looks like a real buzzard and attaches to the eaves of your home and emits a realistic buzzard shriek programmed to go off whenever triggered by a motion detector in the eyeballs (BUZZARD SHRIEK, THING MOVES OFF). Place four stuffed buzzards in front, and four in the back, and you'll have all the home protection you need when the cold winds blow. (BUZZARD CRY) Tell the neighbors to get earplugs. Or get their own buzzards. (BUZZARD CRY).

From the Fearmonger's Shoppe.