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Guy Noir script
Saturday, November 1, 2008
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(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions…Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT) I
GK: It was November the 1st, my rent was due, and my landlady Doris was hovering like a buzzard—
SS (DEEP): You got a check for me.
GK: I do, Doris. I just haven't signed it yet. My hand cramped up or something. I can't close my fingers over a pen.
SS (DEEP): Just remember — you owe me for October too. Your check came back from the bank marked "Insufficient Funds" —
GK: That may have referred to the bank, Doris. They've been having problems down there, you know.
SS (DEEP): Just pay up, Guy.
GK: How about I pay it off in professional services? I could investigate somebody for you—
SS (DEEP): Fine. Investigate Guy Noir. Find out why he is welshing on his rent payment. (DOOR SLAM, BRIDGE)
GK: So I was having to take some jobs that ordinarily I would turn up my snoot at, since the high-profile cases were not coming my way, the missing heiress type of thing, the tycoon who falls off the yacht, the Hollywood star being blackmailed by his girlfriend — I wasn't getting those, so I had to make do.
TR: Yeah, Noir — listen — me and the wife, we're supposed to go to a Halloween party at her dingbat brother's house and I need you to get in there today and find the guest list because I don't want to be in a big crowd of Democrats all fat and happy cause they think they're gonna win on Tuesday.
GK: A costume party?
TR: Right.
GK: So they'll be wearing masks.
TR: I can recognize Democrats by the way they talk. And they wear some kind of special fruity cologne so they can locate each other and get with a big herd and yak about the unfairness of everything. What a bunch of pills.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I was on my way to the brother-in-law's house to get the guest list when there was a knock on the door. (KNOCKS) Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked.
TK (HOOD): I'm from public radio. I come to take back the tote bag. Your membership check bounced. Where's the bag?
GK: Sir, the check bounced because the bank ran out of money. I'm sure if you just try to cash it again —
TK (HOOD): Shut up. Gimme the bag.
GK: Okay. I just thought of public radio people being kinder and gentler.
TK (HOOD): Yeah, those are the ones in development. I'm not in development. I'm in pledge fulfillment. Hand it over.
GK: Okay, but Studs isn't gonna like this.
TK (HOOD): Studs? You're a friend of Studs? Studs Terkel?
GK: Himself. The Big Kahuna. The Kingfish. Me and the old Studsola, we go way back.
TK (HOOD): For a friend of Studs— hey, it's nuthin. See ya round. (BRIDGE)
GK: I guess you just have to know the right people. - I sat back iny old swivel chair and put my feet up on the desk and gave Studs a call. (PHONE RING AT OTHER END)
TR (STUDS):Yeah?
GK: Studs, it's Guy.
TR (STUDS): Hey. Guy Noir. You still in St. Paul? That's great you called. How ya doin?
GK: Doin fine, thanks to you, Studs.
TR (STUDS): Hey, that's terrific.
GK: Where are you? You sound like you're outdoors, Studs.
TR (STUDS): You got me on my cellphone, kid. I'm driving Highway One. California. Heading for Malibu.
GK: I heard you were sick.
TR (STUDS): Awwww. It was nothing. Old age, that's all. I got over it.
GK: Somebody said they thought you'd died or something.
TR (STUDS): Nawww. People exaggerate. I'm in California. Me and Julie Christie. I ran into her at a deli, I was picking up a pound of pastrami.
GK: Fighting Bob LaFollette, the Prairie Progressive. So she's with you now?
TR (STUDS): Got my arm around her, heading for Malibu in my Lamborghini, and we rented a beach house for a week — we'll just see how it goes. So what'd you call about, kid?
GK: Just wanted to say hello, Studs.
TR (STUDS): Okay. Great to talk to you. Gotta run. See you around, kid. Thanks for everything. Take it easy but take it.
GK: So long, Studs.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions…Guy Noir, Private Eye.
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