Deer script
Saturday, November 15, 2008

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(TRAFFIC, DREAM MUSIC)

GK: I kept telling myself, it's only a dream. Only a dream. But there I was, standing by a busy highway. I was naked, covered with brown hair, I had a small white tail, and antlers, and I felt a powerful urge (TRAFFIC, HORNS) to go leaping across the highway to meet a female who was somewhere in the woods on the other side. I could smell her. (SNIFFING) And the smell was making me crazy. (GRUNTING, DIGGING) I was in the grips of a powerful urge to go (BIG SEMIS) dashing headlong into heavy truck traffic in order to find love.

(FOOTSTEPS IN WOODS APPROACH)

TR: Take deep breaths. Turn away from the highway. Go ahead. Turn slowly and face me.

GK: It was another deer. Male. Older. Wearing hornrim glasses. A beard. Very calm.

TR: I want you to walk toward me and follow me into this hollow.

GK: I really need to cross that highway.

GK: I can smell her. Why are they always on the other side? (TRAFFIC) Hey— I marked this whole area so no other male deer would come and here you are.

TR: I'm not looking to mate. I'm a therapist. I'm over it. I'm here to help.

(SS SINGS, OFF)

GK: I can hear her. She's singing to me. I met her at a salt lick last week. We licked the same block of salt. She sniffed my tail. I'm gonna go. I've got to go. Oh boy- it's just so strong. So strong.

TR: Take deep breaths. Come.Down into the hollow. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: I followed him down into the hollow. My heart was pounding.

TR: Lie down there in the leaves.

GK: What, here?

TR: Lie down. What are you feeling now?

GK: A powerful urge to cross the highway.

TR: What else?

GK: Fear.

TR: Oh? Why? (A BEAT, DISTANT TRAFFIC)

GK: I saw Earl's's body lying by the side of the road.

TR: (SCRIBBLING) I see.

GK: Boy. A day ago he was browsing in the woods along with me- we ate some fermented berries, told some stories about hunters, and now, he's roadkill. Flies crawling over him.

TR: Kind of a reality check, huh? Let's go into this "urge." What happens when you feel it?

GK: It's all urge.

TR: You get a whiff of a female and, wham, your body tells you to go—

GK: Well, it wasn't a case of "a female" — it was her. She's not like other females. She's unique. Jane is her name. Jane Doe. She's very elegant. Very funny. She's the most wonderful female I ever met.

TR: Listen to me. It's a chemical attraction — a seasonal hormone fluctuation — you weren't attracted to her last summer, were you —

GK: She isn't just some female deer. She is her. Jane. Her voice. Her lips. The way she nibbles bark. Her voice when she sings.

SS: (SINGS) The minute you walked in the woods..I could see you were a buck of distinction, a real big spender—

TR: Let's hold on a second.

GK: She's not just some tramp deer, she's an artist.

SS (SINGS): Good looking, so refined, say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind—

TR: Okay, but what I'm saying is — stop and think. Find a better time to cross the road. Wait until late tonight.

GK: I wait until late tonight, some other male is going to go get her.

TR: You want to die? You want to wind up like Earl?

GK: No, thought of her is making me wild. I can't help it.

TR: You want to be spattered all over the highway? You want to dance with a Peterbilt?

GK: I want her love is what I want. (PAWING)

TR: Stop pawing the ground.

GK: I'm not pawing. These are not paws. They're hooves.

TR: You're pawing the ground. Stop.

GK: These aren't paws.

TR: "Pawing" can refer to hands, to hooves, to paws...

GK: How come you don't feel the urge to mate? Huh? How come you sit there all cool and collected writing stuff down on a pad of paper? How come you're not out there at the side of the highway, hoofing the ground?

(THOUGHTFUL PAUSE)

TR: Please. This is not about me.

GK: How come you're not out there at the side of the highway, digging in the dirt with your hooves?

TR: I decided not to. I made a choice.

GK: I don't think so. I think it's that females aren't attracted to you.

TR: (SCRIBBLING) Interesting. Tell me more.

GK: I think that females take one look at you and they release rejection hormones — anti-pheremones secreted by glands under their tails — they look at you and they go ppppppppp.

TR: (SCRIBBLING) Ha!

GK: You're sitting here giving advice to me and the truth is that your rack is weird — I'm a six-point buck and you're about a two and a half —

TR: Well our time is up.

GK: Your rack is leaning to one side and you know something — it looks like a walker — you've got a walker on your head — and your horns look soft to me— I'll bet if I just — (HE SNORTS, AND BUTTS THE OTHER)

TR: Oh I see. You want to act out? I'll show you acting out- (THEY DUEL, WHACKING EACH OTHER WITH ANTLERS)

GK: These feel like paws to you? No. Cause they're hooves. (THEY FIGHT WITH THEIR HOOVES, SNORTING, PAWING, BUTTING)

SS (SINGS): Let's get physical...I wanna get physical...let's get into physical. (SHE VOCALIZES) (THE DUEL STOPS)

TR: Oh man. I feel an overpowering urge to go over there right now—

GK: You? You feel an urge? My my my. Mr. Self Control-

SS (SINGS): Let me hear your body talk your body talk let me hear your body talk...

TR: I can't help myself— (HE BOUNDS, AND RUNS. THE HORN OF A SEMI SPEEDING. THE THUMP, THE TRUCK RACES ON)

(HOOVES ON PAVEMENT)

SS (CRIES): Oh no. He's dead. Look at him. That truck hit him going 70 miles an hour.

GK: I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen.

SS: I feel so responsible. I lured him to his death. (SMALL SOB) Hey...aren't you...(FLIES)

GK: Tell you what-I know a really nice hollow not far from here, lots of leaves we can lie in and talk about this... Plenty of browse, no hunters around — come on. This way. (MUSIC)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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