B-Movie
Saturday, December 13, 2008

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GK:It's Christmas and so our actors have taken on extra work to be able to pay for Christmas presents since union scale is rather low in radio drama — about $14 per show plus a lunch wih at least two grams of protein, so our acting company has been forced to take work in movies being shot in the New York area, the sort of movies that are in production only for a day or two, such as "A Very Merry Massacre" (HORROR CHORD) featuring Sue Scott as 16-year-old Denise Bachmann, as she hosts a holiday slumber party in her first-floor bedroom in Brooklyn.

SS (TEEN): Oh my gosh, a writing journal with a leather cover-and it locks! Thanks Secret Santa! (GROUP GIGGLES) Now I'll be able to write down my innermost thoughts and my mother will have to use a screwdriver to get to them. (SCRATCHING) Oh my gosh you guys, did you hear that noise?

TR (TEEN GIRL): What noise?

SS (TEEN): Look. Out there. A guy dressed up like Santa Claus with a hook for a hand scratching at my bedroom window-- I'd better go investigate.

FN (TEEN GIRL): In your thin white nighty? And your bare feet?

SS (TEEN): Thanks for reminding me. I want to take this bra off, too. (SPROING) There.

FN (TEEN GIRL): Gosh, I wonder what he wants?

SS (TEEN): I'll bring him some milk and cookies. I'll be right back. Whatever you do, don't come with me.

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS, EVIL SANTA, OFF, SS SCREAMS)

(BRIDGE)

GK: And then there is "Christmas Bulbs from Outer Space"—coming soon to a cable network near you — starring Fred Newman as Dr. Lance Thermidium—the elite NASA scientist who suspects that those strange Christmas ornaments found out in the middle of the Nevada desert are in fact filled with a flesh eating alien virus.

(ALIEN MUSIC)

FN: I just have a strange feeling about this, Dr. Crandon. Something about the way the surface of the bulb distorts my image.

SS: All Christmas bulbs do that, Dr. Thermidium.

FN: But why were they out in the desert?

SS: That I can't explain.

FN: We're going to have to break one open. I have to know if there's a killer alien virus in here.

SS: Don't you think we should do that in a sealed environment?

FN: Yes. But we're not going to.

SS: Okay.

FN: What do you say, Dr. Crandon? A green one or a red one?

(A BEAT)

SS: Red.

FN: Here goes nothing. (BULB SHATTERS, ALIEN VIRUS ATTACKS, SS & FN SCREAM)

(BRIDGE)

GK: It wasn't Shakespeare but it was a paycheck. Meanwhile, Tim Russell is such a gentleman, you might be surprised to hear that he played the title role in last summer's "The Christmas Visitor" —

(SUSPENSE MUSIC, HEAVY BREATHING)

SS: Thanks for bringing me a fruitcake, Mr. Linkman. It was sure nice of you to come out here to my cabin deep in the woods. (HEAVY BREATHING) What a good Samaritan you are. Coming to visit an older woman with a gimpy leg and nobody to help me except my old Corgi, Bruce. (OLD DOG BARK) No phone lines or cell phone service or any neighbors for miles around-awfully kind of you. (HEAVY BREATHING).

TR: Have a piece of my fruitcake.

SS: Oh I think I should save it for Christmas, don't you?

TR: No. Eat my fruitcake.

SS: Why are you leaning over me, Mr. Linkman? (HEAVY BREATHING,) Put the fruitcake down! Mr. Linkman no, no! (EVIL LAUGHTER, SMOOSH OF FRUITCAKE, SS CHOKING)

(STING)

GK: That's "The Christmas Visitor", starring Tim Russell. And then all three of our actors star in "Ba Rum Pum Pum Pum" (CELESTE, PLAYING CAROL), the story of Christmas shoppers driven mad by hearing "Little Drummer Boy" over and over in a shopping mall at Christmas (LOW BERSERK CRIES) and they go berserk and they set off fire alarms and there is terror in the mall (ALARMS, SCREAMING, MAYHEM) and it's not recommended for families with small children……

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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