Xmas
Saturday, December 20, 2008

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GK: It started early Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. We were not sure that we believed. Alleluia. Alleluia.

SS: You want to go to church?

GK: Tonight?

SS: Sure.

GK: If you want to.

SS: Don't you?

GK: It's fine with me if you want to go, I'll come with you.

SS: So you don't—

GK: I didn't say that.

SS: I don't want to force you to go.

GK: Fine. Then don't.

SS: Okay.

I got a sweater, dark red plaid.
A gift from Susan's mom and dad. Alleluia. Alleluia.

SS: It's nice.

GK: Maroon?

SS: It's very handsome. Try it on.

GK: Then I won't be able to return it.

SS: Please don't return it. Please.

GK: It's hideous.

SS: My mother is 87 years old. Don't break her heart. Please. Don't. The turkey turned out much too dry. Much too dry. I burned the crust of the pumpkin pie. Alleluia. Alleluia.

SS: It'll be fine. We'll make a pumpkin soup and put turkey in it.

GK: Turkey-pumpkin soup? I never heard of that.

SS: It'll be fine.

GK: But we added a whole lot of sugar to the pumpkin.

SS: I'll put ginger in it. Here. (SPLORTS) There's the pumpkin. Add some milk. (POURING) Chop up the turkey. (SWIFT CHOPPING) See? Everything solved. No burned pie crust. No dry turkey. It's all a soup.

GK: Well—Should I make another pie?

SS: No. Whose name did you draw for Christmas?

GK: Your sister Deirdre.

SS: Oh. What did you get her?

GK: A Celtic calendar.

SS: Well, she'll like that.

WB: HELLO!!!! IT'S ONLY ME!!!!!! YOUR BROTHER BOB!!!!!

SS: Bob! Oh, I'm so glad to see you. (THEY HUG)

WB: How's my little sister?

SS: (WEEPY) Oh, I'jm fine. I'm fine. Just glad to see you.

WB: Oh hi, Carson.

GK: Hi.

WB: Nice sweather.

GK: Thanks.

WB: Maroon looks good on you.

GK: Good.

WB: Is that a family plaid?

GK: No. It's from your family.

WB: Oh. Looks nice. And people came and stood around. Stood around. And ate the trail mix by the pound. Alleluia, alleluia.

FN: I was supposed to go to my group meeting today. I don't know.

SS: Oh just get over yourself.

TR: What's that?

SS: Turkey pumpkin soup.

TR: Oh.

SS: Want to taste it?

TR: Sure. (TASTES)

SS: So?

TR: It's fine. A little sweet.

SS: I'll put in more ginger. And pepper.

TR: Deirdre was going to make a lentil soufflé. But she got busy meditating this morning and when she came to, it was six hours later.

ER: Did I hear my name?

TR: Just told your sister you were meditating.

ER: I really do not need to be made fun of, okay?

GK: Hi, Deirdre.

ER: Hi.

GK: How are you?

ER: Do you really want to know?

GK: Well, Merry Christmas to you.

ER: Right. Such a destructive holiday. Everything about it. Gold exploits workers, frankincense is a pollutant, and myrrh harvesting contributes to deforestation. Did you know that? When Christmas is with family spent, Sometimes it feels a lot like Lent. Alleluia alleluia.

WB: What is this present here? "To Ellen"? You didn't invite Ellen,

SS: Of course I did. She's family.

WB: My ex-wife? WAS family.

ER: She's my best friend, Bob.

WB: Well, there's a comment. So I suppose the Deadlies are coming.

GK: Their name is Dudley.

WB: You've invited the Deadlies. Those boring whimpering weepy people.

SS: They are members of my book club, Bob.

WB: They come to dinner and talk about world hunger. They sit there with their big watery eyes and they cast accusing looks at anyone who takes second helpings.

ER: You are so cruel.

FN: You know I looked at my chart this morning and it said "Avoid stress" and now here I am. Stress. It's all over.

WB: And Ellen— we have to sit and eat Christmas dinner in front of an animal rights fanatic?

FN: Do I smell smoke?

WB: She's going to watch us pile the white meat on our plates and then tell us all about how turkeys are butchered using piano wire.

SS: Well, it's only once a year. We opened up a nice Chablis And drank a glass. Then two and three. Alleluia, alleluia.

TR: Look at this. This Christmas card. Where'd this come from? "We are two wholenesses, and when my wholeness touches the border of your wholeness, we are the same and yet not the same"

WB: Oh boy. (LAUGHS)

TR: "the ongoing exchange that is the true Christmas story, we are not ourselves, we are each other." Where'd this come from?

SS: Me.

TR: Really?

GK: You?

SS: Yes. It's from my play, "The Journey".

GK: You wrote a play?

SS: It was performed at school last year. You were there.

GK: Oh.

WB: How's that soup coming?

SS: I don't care. I just don't care. I don't know where all this hostility comes from. I need a glass of wine. We opened up a Cabernet And wished some folks would go away. Alleluia alleluia.

FN: I was reading an article on Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder One of the symptoms is "Preoccupation with details to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost." That's Christmas in a nutshell. If you ask me.

WB: We didn't.

FN: Sorry. Just expressing a thought.

ER: I smell smoke. Really.

SS: Oh oh. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

GK: What do you say we go out for Christmas dinner?

WB: If Ellen's coming, it'll have to be a vegan restaurant. One that doesn't have peanut products or glutens or any oils or anything impure. Ellen doesn't eat in restaurants, she eats in laboratories. (FOOTSTEPS)

SS: I am so stupid. I destroyed the dinner. Put it on high flame and it burned up. Somebody shoot me.

GK: We'll go out to eat.

SS: You go, I'll stay here and clean up.

GK: Oh please.

ER: Just leave her alone. I'll stay here with her. You go. Oh Tannenbaum O Tannenbaum, Whatever happened to our mom. Alleluia alleluia. FN (ELECTRONIC VOICE): You have one new message. Sent today at 3:30. (BEEP) WB (MOM): Hi, honey. It's me. Mom. Just wondering if you were going to come by the Home. Just sitting here in my snowflake sweater, listening to the radio. Hoping to play Parcheesi. Come when you get a chance, and don't worry I'll be here. Be here tomorrow, too and next week and January. Come when you can. Bye. SS (WEEPY): Mom. We forgot about Mom. She's sitting there in her little tiny room at the Good Shepherd home.

ER: We forgot her. Our own mother. Who gave birth to us. Who carried us in her body.

GK: She's okay.

ER: Oh just shut up.

GK: She said don't worry.

ER: Just shut up. You don't understand a thing.

SS: That is our mother.

FN: I have to go to my group now. Sorry.

TR: Where are you going?

WB: Going to see mom.

SS: Don't touch me. Do not touch me.

FN: I'm outta here.

GK: What's going on? (DOOR SLAM) God rest ye merry gentlemen, Until the day comes back again. Alleluia alleluia.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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