The Lives of the Cowboys
Saturday, January 24, 2009
SS: And now, the Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by BABS. If you only bathe twice a year, you need something that'll eat the skin off you. And that's BABS. Battery Acid Bath Salts. (FIZZ) And now the Lives of the Cowboys.
(SHIVERING, WIND, CROWD, OFF)
TR: Lefty, this is the dumbest thing I ever heard of,
coming to Duluth in January. Good lord how'd I let you talk me into this?
GK: It's the Polar Plunge, Dusty. Strip down to your skivvies and walk out onto the ice and jump in the water and you come out a new man. (PLUNGE, WHOOP) There goes one. (PLUNGE, WHOOP) We maybe shoulda worn Speedos instead of a full set of long underwear though.
TR: Some of these people strike me as disoriented.
(A BEAT, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, PLUNGE, WHOOPS)
GK: You're right. Something not right about that guy. Wait a minute. Look over there.
GK: Women watching.
TR: Good-looking women.
GK: Hard to tell when they're bundled up like that, but sure good enough looking.
TR: They're looking straight at us. Standing here in our long underwear. On the dock. Getting ready to plunge into the lake.
GK: Kinda hard to turn around and chicken out when you got women staring at you.
TR: I feel that way too.
GK: Kind of a man's predicament, isn't it. Women have this high opinion of us and we hate to let 'em down.
TR: Especially of us cowboys. They expect us to be heroic. I tell you, John Wayne made it tough for the rest of us.
GK: I don't see any way out of this, Dusty. (PLUNGE, CRY OF PAIN) I think we're gonna have to jump. Two more ahead of us and then we're in.
TR: Gotta do it for those women. Look at them. The adoration in their eyes. Why did we come to Duluth anyway?
GK: I forget.
TR: Well, if you forgot then how do you expect me to remember?
GK: My brain just shuts down in this cold weather.
TR: Mine too. (PLUNGE, SHRIEK) One more and then it's us.
GK: Those women are admiring our legs, I suppose. And maybe the rest of us, too.
TR: I imagine afterward they might find ways of showing their gratitude. Fix us a hotdish or something. Assuming there is an afterward.
GK: Oh come on.
TR: If this is it, Lefty, I just want you to know that to know that you know
GK: Want me to know what?
TR: Just trying to say that that
TR: Stop interrupting me.
GK: Well, what is it you're trying to say?
TR: If you'd just shut up, I'd tell you.
GK: So tell me.
TR: Okay, that's it. I'm not going to tell you.
GK: Oh for crying out loud. (PLUNGE, SHRIEK) Okay, it's us. Want to go in holding hands?
TR: You get away from me. You're next.
TR: You. You're closer.
TK: Gentlemen excuse me I'm the president of the Polar Plunge, Paul Peluso just want to make a little speech here. (DINGS ON GLASS) Folks if I could have your attention. I want to welcome these two cowboys from Texas to Duluth. (HEAVY MITTING) Dusty and Lefty came all the way from Texas to take the Polar Plunge and I'm proud of both of you for this demonstration of manliness and mental discipline. And right now I'd like to bring up our Polar Chorus and sing a little song.
SUPERIOR I raise my glass and drink another toast to thee
SUPERIOR in a tavern with my pals I would be.
By the door in the corner lying face-down on the floor
THAT'S WHERE GOD will look for me.
SS (YOUNG): Could I have your autograph?
GK: Who, me?
SS (YOUNG): This is like totally awesome. You from Texas and you come here when it's twenty below zero and you jump into Lake Superior in your underwear.
TR: Guess it's time to go, Lefty.
GK: Okay. One two
TR: Wait a minute.
TR: Just wasn't ready.
TR: One two three
GK: Just a sec. Gotta blow my nose first. (HONK)
TR: You ready?
GK: One two(PAUSE) three.
(THEY PLUNGE AND WHOOP)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Battery Acid Bath Salts. Gets you clean, no matter how thick your hide.