Bob
Saturday, February 7, 2009

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(THEME)

TR(ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents...The Story of Bob, A Young Artist. (MUSIC FADE INTO CLINK OF SILVER, PLATE CLATTER, DOG PANTING)

SS: Have some more cheese pancakes, Bob, there's plenty left.

GK: No thanks, Berniece, I'm full.

SS: Full already? But you hardly finished your short stack, Bob.

GK: It's just kind of rich, Berniece. I never heard of putting cheese in pancakes.

SS: I'm just trying to use what's in the refrigerator, Bob. Times are hard, we need to economize.

GK: When I win this contest, Berniece, I'm going to go out and buy us some fresh oranges. Maybe some baby spinach greens. We'll make a salad.

TR (POPS): A salad? Ha! Salads are for ninnies. Pass me a couple more cheese pancakes, Berniece-

SS: There you go, Pops.

TR (POPS): Pour a little of that syrup on there, Berniece, would you?

SS: We're out of maple syrup, Pops. But we've got corn syrup.

GK: Corn syrup!

TR (POPS): Sounds good to me. Bring it on. (GLUP GLUP GLUP, DOG LUNGES)

SS: Down boy, down! (DOG SNARFS)

GK: Oh, please.

TR (POPS): Whoops. He got one.

SS: Hey. Plenty more where that came from.

GK: I don't believe it. What are we? Sharecroppers? Eating corn syrup -sharing our food with dogs--

SS: What's this contest you've entered, Bob?

TR (POPS): Convex-that's where it bulges out like an eyeball.

GK: It's an art contest, Berniece.

SS: Yes?

GK: Through the Municipal Art Lodge. They're doing an art show celebrating winter. It's called February Fiesta. And the winner gets four thousand dollars.

SS: Ohh, I like the sound of that.

TR (POPS): Concave-it's got the word cave in it. That means it curves inwards (DOG LUNGES, SNARFS) Doggone it Rex-you eat any more of those cheesy pancakes, you're gonna get loose stools.

SS: You know— I read about that contest in the paper. Some young man making an enormous snowflake-

GK: Lance Shelburne, yes. He's 23 years old.

SS: Handsome young man. And he was making that snowflake out of Lucite and it's going to be eighty-one feet tall. People probably will be coming from miles around to see it. Hubbard Falls will become a destination spot.

GK: Oh please.

SS: Well, that's what they say. Everyone's excited about it.

GK: Well, he hasn't won yet. Just because he's a showoff doesn't mean he's a winner.

TR (POPS): Stead of entering contests, why don't you get yourself a job, ya nitwit.

GK: I have a job and I have a calling. Doing art.

TR (POPS): You're gonna fart? Go ahead.

GK: Oh, please. That is so juvenile.

TR (POPS): Everybody hit the deck. Incoming.

GK: Whatever happened to dignity in old age, huh?

TR (POPS): Hold it in boy. Keep it down.

GK: Could you let the dog out please? He's going to throw up on everything.

TR (POPS): He's got just as much right to be here as we do. Maybe more.

SS: Well that Lance Shelburne fellow sure sounds like a wonderful person. You should invite him for lunch

GK: Berniece, he's a 23-year-old kid who got his hands on a huge piece of junk Lucite, and so what?

TR (POPS): Sounds like a genius to me. What'd you do, Wide Ride?

SS: Yes, tell us about your art, Bob.

GK: Don't even bring it up.

(DOG GAGS)

TR (POPS): Speaking of bringing it up—

GK: Just put him outside.

TR (POPS): He's fine. It will pass. (DOG STOPS GAGGING) See? (DOG PANTING) He swallowed it.

SS: Well what was it, Bob? Was it a sculpture? A painting?

GK: (SIGH) It was a snow globe, okay?

SS: A snow globe? A big one?

GK: A little one. This one right here.

SS: This?

GK: A work of art does not need to be 81 feet high, Berneice.

SS: It just looks like a regular snow globe like you'd buy at the drugstore.

GK: I modified it. (A BEAT) See? It has flowers and a mermaid in it. And Elvis with flowers in his hair.

TR (POPS): A barmaid? How come she doesn't have any legs?

SS: A mermaid, Pops.

TR (POPS): A mermaid in all that snow? She'll freeze her fins off.

SS: Why a mermaid, Bob?

GK: It's an artistic vision, Berniece. Snowing in paradise. See?

SS: So you turn it over and it snows—

GK: But the snow is like diamonds.

TR (POPS): Looks more like bird poop to me.

SS: But there are no mermaids in winter, Bob.

GK: Mermaids are mythological period, Berniece. Think about it. Use your brain.

SS: Now don't snap at me, Bob.

GK: I was in a hurry, okay? I have other things to do. I'm writing an epic prose poem.

TR (POPS): He's writing a Pick-Your-Nose poem?? Since when?

SS: Epic prose poem, Pops.

GK: Forget it.

SS: Now Bob, don't get all testy— but I don't think anybody's going to pay four housand dollars for a snow globe. Are they?

GK: Berneice, it's a work of art.

TR (POPS): That's what you said before. Go ahead and do it.

SS: Down, Rex. (DOG TAIL THUMPS) No Rex, you can't have any more.

GK: They're supposed to notify the winner today and (PHONE RINGS)—oh boy. That's probably them.

TR (POPS): I'll get it.

GK: No Pops, let me get it. It's not for you.

TR (POPS): It's a mermaid. We've got a date tonight.

GK: Just get away from the phone, okay?

TR (POPS): We're going to need to use the bathtub for a few hours. So don't come in.

SS: Pops,stop it.

GK: Can you just be quiet for five minutes?

TR (POPS): I can. I don't know if I will.

GK: Will you be quiet please?

SS: Pops, let Bob answer the phone.

TR (POPS): Nobody's holding him back.

GK: Just sit still okay? And don't say anything while I— (PHONE STOPS RINGING, A BEAT) They're gone.

SS: Oh, they'll call back Bob.

GK: It's over. They're moving on to the next name.

TR (POPS): Probably somebody trying to sell us snow tires.

GK: It's gone. Four thousand dollars. Gone.

SS: Maybe that was a wrong number.

GK: It wasn't, I can sense it. Four thousand dollars. We could've gone to Florida. We could've been in Sarasota next Sunday.

TR (POPS): Well, I'm gonna head to the bathroom.

GK: All I ask is for a little support and you stuff me with cheese pancakes and then you won't stop talking so I can't answer the phone.

SS: I don't think I like the tone of your voice, Bob.

GK: Then go in the other room. (PHONE RINGS)

TR (POPS): Uh oh. It's the mermaid.

GK: Quiet. I just need quiet. Please.

TR (POPS, OFF): I'll do my best, but it's a bathroom (DOOR SHUTS, DOG PANTS)

SS: Well. Go ahead Bob. Answer it.

(A BEAT, GK SIGH)

GK: Hello? (VOICE ON PHONE) Yes, hello Mrs. Elridge. Yes I know today is the day the committee makes its decision. (VOICE ON PHONE, TR POPS OFF, SINGING TO SELF) Yes, I know it's small but the rules didn't say anything about size. (VOICE ON PHONE) I mean, this could be a scale model, I could make it bigger. (VOICE ON PHONE) An internship. (VOICE ON PHONE) Yes I see. (VOICE ON PHONE) I'll have to think about it and call you back. You sure I couldn't come down there and just —(VOICE ON PHONE). Yes of course. Thank you for calling. Bye. (HANGUP)

SS: Well who was that, Bob? Was it them?

GK: The committee disqualified me for smallness and they gave the prize to Lance Shelburne, and they're offering me an internship to help him build his snowflake out of Lucite. (TOILET FLUSHES, DOOR OPENS)

TR (POP): Boy, those pancakes really move things. So what's the verdict?

SS: He didn't win, Pops.

TR (POPS): tell me something I don't already know.

GK: Boy, kick me when I'm down, would you.

(DOG GAGS)

SS: Now Bob, don't take it so personally.

GK: I'm going to my room.

TR (POPS): Keep it in Rex, keep it in.

SS: You want some pancakes to go, Bob? They're still warm-

GK: I just need to be alone. I'll be in my studio.

SS: What if she calls back?

GK: I don't want to talk to anybody. (DOOR CLOSE, LOCK) (FOOTSTEPS AND STOP) Why do I even bother? Nobody cares. Art. What's it for? A person would have to be crazy to go on in the face of discouragement year after year after year. (STARTS TO STIR PAINT IN A CAN) On the other hand — the NorComm company is having a competition for a mural for its lobby. Never did a mural before. Problem with the snow globe was caution. I was holding back. I'm going to do a big bold mural. (BIG SWASH OF BRUSH) I like that. Just throw the paint. (SQUIRT PAINT AND SMOOSH IT AROUND) And now some green. (FLINGS PAINT) And fuchsia. (FLINGS PAINT) And silver glitter. (GLISS) Nice. And red. (SQUIRT)

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): The Story of Bob the Young Artist. Brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil.

(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

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