Guy Noir
Saturday, February 7, 2009

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME)

GK: It was February and we were having a warming trend. People had taken off their ski masks and scarves and some of them you sort of wished would put them back on. Some people thrive on winter and get all rosy-cheeked and energetic and happy and the rest of us look like we've been held hostage for weeks by demented criminals. I looked at myself in the mirror one morning and I was shocked at how haggard and used-up I look and suddenly I could understand why those women I tried to make friendly conversation with looked at me with such horror. As if I were a space alien. I was talking to Jimmy at the Five Spot about that this very week...(BRIDGE FADE IN) (GLASSES BEING RINSED AND STACKED)

TR (JIMMY): They have groups you can join online, Guy.

GK: I don't want to join groups online.

TR (JIMMY): Mature Singles.

GK: I don't want it.

TR (JIMMY): Got another one called The Last Chance Club.

GK: Aiyiyi. I'm a detective. Why can't I find someone to share my life with?

TR (JIMMY): You got a life to share?

GK: Huh??

TR (JIMMY): I'm only asking.

GK: I'd have a life if I had someone in my life.

TR (JIMMY): But you can't base your life on somebody else.

GK: I don't know. I need someone to adore, someone to give myself to, someone to make coffee for in the morning—

TR (JIMMY): I've tasted your coffee. It's terrible.

GK: Okay, somebody to take to a coffeeshop in the morning. Somebody to share my newspaper with. Somebody I can make laugh.

TR (JIMMY): And who was that?

GK: What do you mean?

TR (JIMMY): You're talking about Sugar.

GK: Awwww...

TR (JIMMY): You're still carrying a torch for her, Guy. Admit it.

GK: Awww, she found somebody else.

TR (JIMMY): They broke up.

GK: Her and the lawyer?

TR (JIMMY): He wanted her to sign a pre-dating agreement.

GK: Huh. She told me he was everything she was looking for.

TR (JIMMY): She was just trying to make you jealous.

GK: How do you know this?

TR (JIMMY): I talked to her last night. She's living in Sarasota. With her mother. She asked about you.

GK: She did? What'd she say?

TR (JIMMY): She asked me how you looked?

GK: And?

TR (JIMMY): I told her you looked haggard and anguished. Like you'd been in a hostage situation. She asked me if you'd been seeing anyone.

GK: Really—

TR (JIMMY): She's in love with you. I know. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I took a deep breath and I called her and sure enough, Jimmy was right.

SS (SUGAR): Oh Guy— you and me— we had it and we just didn't know it. We were blind. We had happiness in our hip pockets instead of enjoying it, we obsessed about a lot of little trivial things like me giving you a hard time about being gone so much — of course you had to be gone a lot — that was your job — and I was critical about the books you read and your music collection and your clothes — I was a real witch and I've been kicking myself ever since.

GK: Well, I was no prize myself, Sugar. Sitting around all dark and gloomy and brooding about things I had no control over anyway and then having that romance with the anthropologist, that was not a smart move.

SS (SUGAR): I think we should try again, Guy. Don't you? We've learned something — let's put it to use. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: So she got a ticket to fly north to spend the weekend, and I got to work on my apartment, scrubbing the bathroom floor (SCRUBBING) and I had to use a blowtorch on the bathtub (BLOWTORCH) and I took out the recycling (TONS OF EMPTY BOTTLES) and vacuumed the place (VACUUM) and I shampooed the rug (SFX) and I got a new sofa to replace the old one (TK & TR MOVERS MOVING SOFA IN) and they threw the old one out the window onto their truck (TK & TR MOVERS PUSHING SOFA OUT WINDOW, FALLING, CRASH AND CRUNCH) I bought a new flat-screen TV (TV AUDIO) and I sprayed room freshener around (SPRAY)-and I went to the wine store—

TR (FRENCH): I have a very lovely (FRENCH NAME) — very dry— very insouciant— very — how shall we say— (FRENCH PHRASE)—

GK: You wouldn't happen to have something cheaper, would you? Say, an Oregon or Washington State wine?

TR (FRENCH): Oregon? Washington? They make wines?

GK: Yes, of course.

TR (FRENCH): Wine from apples?

GK: No— from grapes. Listen— never mind. I'll go elsewhere. (STING) I picked up salad ingredients and I did a sweep of my bookshelf (THUK THUK THUK THUK), and I threw away all the trashy stuff and the same with the DVDs (THUK THUK THUK) and I put it in the car to take to Goodwill and I noticed the car was caked in salt and dirt, filthy, and I had a half an hour before she got there, so I headed for the car wash (CAR DOOR CLOSES, CAR STARTS UP), and handed the car over to the carwash guy-

TR (TEEN): You want the deluxe or the concierge wash?

GK: The concierge.

TR (TEEN): Okay. With the hot wax?

GK: Gimme the works.

TR (TEEN): Right. Okay.

GK: And into the carwash it went (SPRAY), and the rainbow foam bath (FOAMING, SPLORTS), and the rollers scrubbed it (ROLLER SCRUB), and then the spot free rinse (RINSE), and then I paid up—

TR (TEEN): By the way, your horn doesn't work.

GK: It worked before.

TR (TEEN): It doesn't work now.

GK: What happened?

TR (TEEN): Guess it just quit.

GK: Oh boy. (CAR START) So I drove home without a horn and pulled up across the street from the Shropshire Arms right on time, and there she was, Sugar, coming up the steps and I went to open the car door and (DOOR STICKS)-it was stuck. (DOOR RATTLES). The doors were frozen shut. (KNOCKING, OFF). Sugar was there on the doorstep—ringing the doorbell and looking up at my windows, which were all dark-and I leaned on the horn (CLICKS) and nothing-and now she was dialling her cell phone and calling my cell phone which I had left inside the apartment and I started banging on the windows (THUMP THUMP THUMP) and just then a big delivery truck came and double-parked right there — Hey— get out of there— you— and he couldn't hear me — I banged on the windows (THUMP THUMP THUMP) and then I noticed the iPod in his ears — so I sat there while he delivered his packages and when he got back and pulled away — she was gone. (CAR START, DRIVE AWAY) I headed for a self-service carwash and (SPRAY) I drove through and when the hot water thawed out the windows, I rolled them down even though it meant that (BIG SPLORT AND SPRAY OF FOAM) I got soaked and I headed home (CAR SPEEDING, BRAKES HARD. DOOR OPEN. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and I ran inside and I got my cellphone and I called up Sugar. (DIALING BEEPS) (FIVE RINGS) (CLICK)

SS (RECORDING): I'm sorry but your call cannot be completed at this time. The number you are trying to reach has blocked all calls from your phone. Please try calling someone else.

GK: Well, what are you going to do. Life is a series of mistakes and wrong turns and we wind up where we didn't intend to be, but you have to look on the bright side. At least I had a nice clean apartment and I'd gotten rid of that old couch. I went down to Goodwill and I bought back all the trashy books and DVDs I'd given them and — I was back in business.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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