The Lives of the Cowboys
Saturday, March 28, 2009

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(WESTERN THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS...brought to you by Texas Brand Garbage Explosives...when you don't know what to do with trash, why not just blow it up (EXPLOSION) Blows up stuff into little tiny pieces. And it's fun. (EXPLOSION) And now the Lives of the Cowboys.

(HORSES' HOOVES, CITY AMBIENCE)

GK: Well, here we are in Appleton, Dusty. The Fox River Valley.

TR: Wonder where the name comes from. Fox River.

GK: Not what you're thinking.

TR: How do you know? We haven't seen anybody yet.

GK: Just get your mind off it.

TR: My mind is never off it. -----What time are we supposed to deliver this bull here? (BULL MOO)

GK: Told em I'd have him at the farm by sundown. The cows are in the mood to brood.

TR: Cmon, Chet. Quit yer poopin', and step lively. (MOO)--- Hard to believe that this old rodeo bull who busted up so many cowboys is now going off to breed cows for dairy farms.

GK: Well, people are looking for stronger flavor in cheese now.

TR: I reckon they must. And he seems happy to be out of the rodeo business. Nobody raking him with their spurs. Now all he has to do is have sex. All day. With one female after another.

GK: Quite a life. (BULL BELLOW)

TR: Wonder if there aren't opportunities like that for cowboys.

GK: Retire to stud?

TR: Sure. Why not?

GK: Most women like their stud to be exclusive, not a franchise. But it helps if you have some strong characteristic that's hereditary. Good looks. Intelligence.

TR: Keep going.

GK: Blue eyes. Artistic ability-

TR: How about endurance?

GK: Endurance is nothing.

TR: It's something.

GK: All endurance is is a lack of alternatives.

TR: Looks to me like Appleton could use a little more variety in breeding stock.

GK: Not sure they're inclined to want to pay for it though.

SS (Off): Hey you! On the horse!

TR: Yes, ma'am?

SS: You got a permit for livestock in town?

TR: We need one?

SS: This is a college town. Not a cow town.

GK: We're only passing through. (BULL BELLOW) (FLOP)

TR: Speaking of passing-

SS: And now, your bull is defecating in public in violation of local ordinance.

TR: Oh, B.S.!

SS: And there's a law against B.S. in Appleton.

GK: In a college town, a law against B.S.?

SS: So I recommend you move along before I take this bull into custody.

TR: Ma'am, this is an old rodeo bull. He does not do well in custody. He's got a short fuse.

SS: What's he doing here? There's no rodeos here.

GK: He's been brought in for breeding with dairy cows to give some flavor to the cheese.

SS: Cheese! Did you say cheese?

TR: Right. Cheese. (BULL BELLOW. WHINNY. CLOPS)

SS: Why didn't you say so? Cheese- Bring him on in.

TR: Thanks. See ya later, ma'am.

GK: C'mon, Chet. (BELLOW)

GK: What you want to do after we deliver the bull to the dairy farm?

TR: Head back to Madison and look up that Unitarian gal I was dancing with.

GK: How'd you know she was Unitarian?

TR: Buttons on her blouse. Stuff about renewable energy and sustainable agriculture and recycling and stuff.

GK: Coulda been Lutheran.

TR: Talked too much to be Lutheran

GK: Was she pretty?

TR: Under certain lighting conditions, yes.

GK: Hey look. A china shop. Maybe you should stop here and buy her a place setting of china.

TR: Why would we do a thing like that?

GK: Whoa. Whoa. (BELLOW, WHINNY) Hold up there, Chet. (BELLOW) Easy, boy, Easy.

TR: Put the blinders on him, Lefty! (ANGRY BULL BELLOWS, HOOVES)

GK: Hey. Come back here...

(ANGRY BELLOW. CRASH OF WOOD. BELLOWING AND MAJOR SUSTAINED GLASS BREAKAGE) (MUSIC BRIDGE) (FOOTSTEPS, PACING, ON CONCRETE)

TR: I can't believe it. We drive him six hundred miles and we're a half block from the bullpen and he goes nuts in a china shop and we get ninety days in the poky and $11,000 dollars for damages. Where are we goin to get that kind of money?

GK: Only one way I know of, Dusty. (STRUM, OFF-KEY) Write a hit song. (TUNING)

TR: Oh no. Please don't. It's bad enough to be in jail. To be tortured on top of it----

GK:
I don't care for Perrier, the price is absurd.
I drink local water, upstream from the herd.
And shirts made in China. As long as I'm able,
I will look for Old Glory on the old union label.
As for a Volvo, a Honda, or an Audi?
I prefer a Chevrolet with a Fisher body.
And when it comes to women, don't look to France
It's Wisconsin women for love and romance...

When you're talkin love, a man finds what he wants in
A woman who happens to come from Wisconsin.
I don't have relations with girls of other nations
I been all around this world.

When it comes to kissing, the French don't know how.
The Swiss shake your hand, the Japanese bow.
If you kiss a Chinese woman, you'll be sorry.
If it's steak you want, why choose calamari?
When it comes to romance, when it comes to love
Wisconsin women are the epitome of
They come in large sizes and their hands are rough
But when it comes down to it, they know their stuff

When you're talkin love, a man finds what he wants in
A woman who happens to come from Wisconsin.
Don't go slipping round corners with girls who are forners
I been all around this world.
(YODEL)

(BANGING TIN CUP ON BARS)

TR: Deputy! Deputy! I want another cell! Put me in solitary. Please. (THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS...brought to you by the AFL-CIO, the Abject Friendless and Lonesome Cowboys & Indians Organization...the fastest growing organization in America. Maybe you're a member and you don't even know it. (MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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