Rhubarb
Saturday, March 28, 2009

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GK:...brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie...

You wake up in the morning and the weather forecast (FN VOICE ON RADIO) is for a high in the 60s under sunny skies (TR: Yes! Yes! Yes!!) and you feel alive again (TR TARZAN) ) until you remember (TR: Oh no.) -- you promised your mother you'd take her to see "A Prairie Home Companion" in Appleton (TR: GROAN), what a snorefest that is ------old people music (BANJO)

TR: (SINGS) I've been working on my prostate
Trying to urinate.
I've been working on my prostate-----

GK: And endless stories that go nowhere----

SS (OLD LADY): So anyways there we were in the car and heading for town and then she says to me, Well, how come we're going to town anyway? And I said, it was your idea, Evelyn. And she says, It was? And I said, it was indeed.

GK: But you've got all afternoon to go have some fun and go into the Déjà vu and have yourself a couple martinis and you do ----- (SHAKER) (FN SINGER ON P.A.) and it's nice and dark in there, the only light is from the TV (BASKETBALL, SHOES) and the basketball game (WHISTLE, AIRHORN, CROWD ROAR) and you meet a woman there----

SS: Hey. Mind if I sit down here?

TR: Heck no.

SS: How about here?

TR: Even better.

GK: And you have a drink together (SS LAUGH, TR LAUGH) and you're feeling good about each other and ----

SS: Want to come to my house?

TR: Sure. What for? Just asking.

SS: I'll show you what for.

GK: She's driving a big red Lamborghini (TR: WOW) and she hands you the keys (SS: here, big boy, see what you can do) and you get behind the wheel (POWERFUL CAR REV AND ACCEL) and the car peels away and (CAR SHIFTING GEARS, ACCEL) and it's all you can do to keep it on the road and suddenly the warning light goes on (BUZZER) and the indicator on the control panel says...(TR: Steep cliff straight ahead?????) (LONG SCREECH OF TIRES) and you hit the brakes and the car skids and the left wheels go over the cliff (TR TERROR) and the car hangs there on the precipice (CREAKING) and you look out your window (TR GASP) straight down three thousand feet (WIND OF WIDE OPEN SPACE), a three thousand foot sheer drop, a very dramatic sight in a state like Wisconsin ---- (SLOW GRINDING, GRAVELLY SOUND), and now you feel the car sliding over the edge (SS: Quick. Out this way.) and you slide out the passenger side (DOOR OPEN, TR PANIC, FAST FOOTSTEPS) just as the car rolls (CAR ROLLING SEQUENCE) end over end over end over end and crashes on the rocks below (EXPLOSION), terrifying a family of loons (LOON PANIC, WINGS) and then you hear (SIREN APPROACHING. TR: Oh oh.) (CAR STOPS. SIREN STOPS.) the DNR Swat Team---- it's Ranger Dave ---- his bow drawn, an arrow in his hand----

FN (SGT): Okay, clown. Hands in the air. One false move and you're going to be chicken on a stick.

SS: Hi, Dave.

FN (SGT): Hi Sheila.

SS: How's it going?

FN (SGT): Fine. How's by you?

SS: Good. Except my dad's car got totaled.

FN (SGT): Who's the guy?

SS: Hitchhiker. Told me to let him drive. I thought he had a gun.

GK: And you're taken to the DNR jail (FN: In there, clown. (SLAM STEEL DOOR) You're in a dark room. (LOW SNARL) With two coyotes. (TR: Oh no.) And a giant condor. (CONDOR, TR SHUDDER OF ALARM) And bats flying around your head. (BATS) Looking for a way to get into your hair (BATS), and then they let you go (FN: Beat it, clown.) because your Mom made bail for you----

SS (OLD LADY): Why did you kidnap that nice young woman, honey? Oh well, never mind. We all make mistakes. Here. I bought you a box of chocolates ---- see what happens when you open the lid? (FN TINNY TENOR: Love is a many splendored thing...) and you go to the Performing Arts Center and the lobby is full of artistic people (AFFECTED CHATTER) and a man in yellow plaid pants puts his arm around your Mom. (SS OLD LADY: Honey, I want you to meet Leonard Madoff.) (TR: Who?) And this man is kissing your mom.

FN: Hiya, Angel Lips.

SS OLD LADY: Oh Lenny. KISS.

FN: You must be Frank. I've heard so much about you. SS OLD LADY: Leonard and I are going to marry next week, honey. Leonard is in the investment business, honey. He's done so much with our trust fund. Here, Lenny, I bought you a box of chocolates.

(FN TINNY TENOR: Love is a many splendored thing)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(RHUBARB CHEER)

ALL:
R-H-U-B-A-R-B
(CLAPS)
MAKES A PERSON WILD AND FREE
(DRUMS)
L-I-B-E-R-T-Y
(CLAPS)
SERVE IT IN A CAKE OR PIE
(DRUMS)
BEBOPAREEBOP
BEBOPAREEBOP
BEBOPAREEBOP
...YEAH.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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