Saturday, April 4, 2009
TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. I played an April Fools joke on Barb this week. I sent her a text message, pretending to be her old boyfriend from college. Lance. The one who became a neurosurgeon. I wrote, “Dear Barb--I have never been able to forget you after all these years and I want to get back together. I got a divorce and my kids are grown and out of the house, so please meet me at the Clementine Coffee Shop to talk about it. Third booth from the back. Love forever, Lance.” And when Barb showed up, there I was. I said April Fools, and she burst into tears and threw her latte at me. I had no idea she would react that way. Anyway, she got over it. I think she did. Anyway, she didn’t say anything. And then one day I was sitting at my laptop, and Barb came in, looking agitated. What’s wrong?
SS: Jim, the newspaper didn’t come this morning.
TR: So what, Barb? Read it online.
SS: Jim, do you know how much time I spend online? I just installed a program that keeps track I spent 47 hours online last week. I updated my Facebook page 51 times. I sent 321 e-mails. I chatted for 14 hours. I visited 1283 websites.
TR: Does that seem like a lot?
TR: Well, you must’ve learned a lot.
SS: Jim I don’t remember any of it. It’s a big blur. After 47 hours, there I am a lonely woman in an empty room looking at a piece of glass. I’m wasting my life.
TR: Hang on, Barb. Somebody’s twittering me. Gotta write a tweet. (TYPING) Jim is.. having… a…. conversation. Send.
SS: I just feel like we should do something, Jim. Go for a walk. We could walk to the store and buy a newspaper. And then go to a coffeeshop and read it. Remember when we did that? You’d take the sports section and I’d take the front page and we’d read each other things out loud and our knees were touching under the table and then we’d do the crossword together and you’d help me with things like three-letter word for Giant
TR: Ott. Mel Ott.
SS: And we talked, Jim. We talked to each other. Remember?
TR: Excuse me.
SS: Who are you twittering with?
TR: I don’t know who she is. We met online. She’s a Facebook friend.
SS: Where does she live?
TR: No idea. (TYPING) “B.R.B.”
SS: I read about a software program you can buy that shuts down your computer for 24 hours. It’s called Liberation.
TR: (BLOOP) (TYPING) R.O.F.L.O.L.
SS: I’m not sure you’re getting enough ketchup, Jim.
SS: Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help a person realize that we are living in an actual world filled with real people who are sitting four feet away.
TR: (TYPING) OMG.
These are the good times
Spring has come in view
Tulips in the median
On Park Avenue
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on fondue
GK: Ketchup, for the good times.
RD (SINGS): Ketchup, ketchup