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Guy Noir script
Saturday, April 11, 2009
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(THEME)
TR: The Adventures of Guy Noir, Private Eye, will not be heard today due to our talent contest. Join us next week when we’ll hear Guy say.....
(SURF, BIRDS)
GK: Is this where your husband disappeared, Mrs. Rosewater?
SS (DEEP): I don’t think so.
GK: If you don’t think he disappeared here, then why are we here?
SS (DEEP) : Because I wanted to be here with you.
GK: Why?
SS (DEEP): I want to sing a duet with you.
GK: I don’t sing, Mrs. Rosewater.
SS: Have a drink. Alcohol helps.
GK: I don’t think so.
SS: Everybody’s got a song in their heart. Come on.
GK: Ma’am, you called me to come and find your husband for you.
SS: I don’t want to find my husband. I want you.
GK: Ma’am—
SS: Sing “As Time Goes By” — sing it.
GK: I don’t know the words.
SS: Sure, you do.
GK: I don’t.
SS: This .45 automatic says you do. (CLICK OF HAMMER, WHIR OF CYLINDER)
GK: You expect me to sing at gunpoint? (GUNSHOT) Okay. (SINGS)
Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate
SS (SINGS):
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
As no one can deny
(BOTH)
It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by,
TR: Okay, mister. Turn around. Real slow. Hands in the air. No funny business.
SS: Sheldon!
GK: This your husband?
TR: Right. And who are you?
SS: He’s a private eye, Sheldon. His name’s Noir. Guy Noir.
TR: How could you be attracted to a guy like that?
GK: What do you mean “Like that”? Like what?
SS: I thought you’d disappeared, Sheldon.
TR: I was hiding, waiting to see what you’d do without me around. And now I know.
GK: Look. It wasn’t my idea.
TR: You were singing with her....
GK: If you think I was attracted to her, you are wrong.
TR: You had your arm around her waist....
GK: Briefly.....
TR: You were singing a love song.....
GK: If you think I did that because it gave me pleasure, you got another think coming.
SS: Shoot him, Sammy. Shoot him and throw him to the sharks.
FN: Put the gun down, Mr. Rosewater.
TR: Who’s that?
FN: It’s me. Your neighbor. Manny Verylow.
SS: Manny— what are you doing here?
FN: I’m taking you away, Angel Lips.
TR: The heck you are.
FN: She doesn’t love you. She only married you for your culinary abilities. Come, Angel.
TR: Elaine?
SS: I can’t help it, Sheldon. When he sings to me, I get all bumpy and trembly.
FN (SINGS):
Oh don’t you know I want to sing with you
I want to sing and do some other stuff too
And every evening when the red sun sets
We’ll sing duets, we’ll sing duets. (BRIDGE)
TR: That’s coming up next week on Guy Noir, Private Eye.
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