Guy Noir script
Saturday, April 11, 2009

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TR: The Adventures of Guy Noir, Private Eye, will not be heard today due to our talent contest. Join us next week when weíll hear Guy say.....


GK: Is this where your husband disappeared, Mrs. Rosewater?

SS (DEEP): I donít think so.

GK: If you donít think he disappeared here, then why are we here?

SS (DEEP) : Because I wanted to be here with you.

GK: Why?

SS (DEEP): I want to sing a duet with you.

GK: I donít sing, Mrs. Rosewater.

SS: Have a drink. Alcohol helps.

GK: I donít think so.

SS: Everybodyís got a song in their heart. Come on.

GK: Maíam, you called me to come and find your husband for you.

SS: I donít want to find my husband. I want you.

GK: Maíam—

SS: Sing ďAs Time Goes ByĒ — sing it.

GK: I donít know the words.

SS: Sure, you do.

GK: I donít.

SS: This .45 automatic says you do. (CLICK OF HAMMER, WHIR OF CYLINDER)

GK: You expect me to sing at gunpoint? (GUNSHOT) Okay. (SINGS)

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate

SS (SINGS): Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
As no one can deny

(BOTH) It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by,

TR: Okay, mister. Turn around. Real slow. Hands in the air. No funny business.

SS: Sheldon!

GK: This your husband?

TR: Right. And who are you?

SS: Heís a private eye, Sheldon. His nameís Noir. Guy Noir.

TR: How could you be attracted to a guy like that?

GK: What do you mean ďLike thatĒ? Like what?

SS: I thought youíd disappeared, Sheldon.

TR: I was hiding, waiting to see what youíd do without me around. And now I know.

GK: Look. It wasnít my idea.

TR: You were singing with her....

GK: If you think I was attracted to her, you are wrong.

TR: You had your arm around her waist....

GK: Briefly.....

TR: You were singing a love song.....

GK: If you think I did that because it gave me pleasure, you got another think coming.

SS: Shoot him, Sammy. Shoot him and throw him to the sharks.

FN: Put the gun down, Mr. Rosewater.

TR: Whoís that?

FN: Itís me. Your neighbor. Manny Verylow.

SS: Manny— what are you doing here?

FN: Iím taking you away, Angel Lips.

TR: The heck you are.

FN: She doesnít love you. She only married you for your culinary abilities. Come, Angel.

TR: Elaine?

SS: I canít help it, Sheldon. When he sings to me, I get all bumpy and trembly.

FN (SINGS): Oh donít you know I want to sing with you
I want to sing and do some other stuff too
And every evening when the red sun sets
Weíll sing duets, weíll sing duets. (BRIDGE)

TR: Thatís coming up next week on Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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