Allergy script
Saturday, April 25, 2009

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GK: Itís allergy season. (BIG WINDUP TO SNEEZE—). A time of rebirth and new life and some forms of new life get up your nose and into your sinuses and make you sneeze. (WINDUP CONTINUES AND NO SNEEZE). Which can be a real social liability. (BIGGER WINDUP TO SNEEZE AND SNEEZE).

TR (STUFFED UP): Excuse me. Iím sorry. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) — I said Iím sorry. (DOOR SLAM)

GK: Letís take a look inside the immune system of a man with bad allergies.

(HEARTBEAT, BLOOD SURGING, QUIETLY)

TR VOCAL ... BUSY DETERMINATION

GK: Thereís a white blood cell. A good sensible white blood cell. And here is a plant spore.

SS: SFX DITZY HIGHPITCHED VOCAL

GK: And its only a little pollen but the white cell goes nuts (TR BABBLING) and gets all excited about this. (KLAXON) (FN ELECTRONIC: MUCOUS ... MUCOUS ... MUCOUS) And the white blood cell produces powerful antibodies.

(GUNSHOTS)

SS (SINGS): I AM ONLY POLLEN. NO BIG DEAL. ONLY POLLEN.

GK: But the body goes wild and swells up (SWELLING, BALLOONING) and releases a flood of body fluids (DRIPPING, GURGLING) and this can lead to sneezing (BIG LONG BUILDUP TO SNEEZE) and this can lead to social ostracism. (BIG SNEEZE, SPLATTERING)

TR: I am so sorry. Here, let me wipe that off your face.

SS: Donít touch me.

TR: You have a whole lot of — all over your face—here—

SS: Donít you dare touch me.

GK: Some people use antihistamines but those can have terrible side-effects. (ZOMBIES) Some people spend allergy season in Antarctica among the penguins (SFX). Some people walk around with a bubble helmet (VENT) and an oxygen tank. Or you can purchase an expensive air filtration system (WHIRRING) and have the house sanitized (HOSING) and a big vacuum truck pulls up and a powerful vacuum is attached to the door and (MAMMOTH VACUUM) and then the house is shrink wrapped in plastic (SFX) and youíre okay.

TR: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: The air is just as pure as can be.

TR: Great.

GK: Just sit tight and wait for pollen season to be over.

TR: Wonít be long now.

GK: House is all sealed up against allergens.

(CAT MEOW)

TR: What??? Whereíd this come from? (MEOW) Get out of here. Get away.

(BIG BUILDUP TO SNEEZE AND THEN HUGE REVERB SNEEZE W GLASS BREAKAGE & BIRDS FLYING OFF IN FRIGHT & DOG HOWLING)

(FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, DEBRIS) (STOP)

SS: Mister? Are you— ewwwwwwww. Gross. Oh my gosh. Heís — heís inside out. (SIREN FROM FAROFF) All of his — his organs— are just hanging there—

GK: He sneezed so hard, he sneezed himself inside out.

(EMERGENCY CREW CHATTER, GURNEY, IV, BLOOD TESTS ... WALKIE TALKIE ... GENERAL CHAOS) SS (DEEP): Iím going to have to clear his trachea—It is his trachea, right? And not his esophagus—I always get those two confused—Anyhow, Iím going to ram my hand down his throat all the way— (SFX) and grab hold of his rear end and pull — okay? One—two—three (BIG PULL, SUCKING AND GLORPING, AND RUBBERY SPROING. TR GROAN). He looks good. Breathing is good. Blood pressureís okay. Reflexes (BOINK) are good.

(TR GROAN)

FN: Heís trying to talk.

TR: (BACKWARDS TALK)

FN: Oh no.

SS: I knew there was a risk of it. Backwards talking.

FN: Let me try a neuro-enhancer.

TR: (FASTER BACKWARDS TALK)

SS: Try electro-shock.

TR: (FASTER BACKWARDS TALK)

GK: And itís all due to allergies and pollen — seed material — what is the answer, Dr. Murphy?

TR: (SWEDISH EXPLANATION)

GK: I thought you were Irish.

TR: (SWEDISH EXPLANATION)

GK: Okay, so you do this twice a week and for how long?

TR: (SWEDISH EXPLANATION)

GK: And are there side effects?

TR: (SWEDISH EXPLANATION)

GK: The side effect is having children. I donít understand.

TR: (SWEDISH)

GK: Okay. Sounds good. Thanks for clearing that up.

(PIANO PLAYOFF)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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