The Lives of the Cowboys script
Saturday, April 25, 2009

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(THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... brought to you by Trailblazer Table Napkins and Centerpieces ... just because youíre out on the trail is no reason not to make suppertime a festive time with centerpieces and matching napkins from Trailblazer ... and now, here's today's exciting adventure ...

(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, DISTANT CATTLE. CAMPFIRE AT EVENING. HORSES NEARBY)

GK: Connecticut is sure a beautiful state, Dusty. Just one of the prettiest places Iíve ever been. Too bad we canít find our way out of it.

TR: Been lost here for a month and I have no idea where we are.

GK: Me neither. The roads just wind around and around and then they change names ... Pond Road become High Street and then Maple Drive and you have no idea where you are.

TR: Towns all look the same. Middlebury, Danbury, Waterbury — man, theyíve been burying a lot of people in Connecticut.

GK: Ask for directions and they say, Well, you just take a left at the antiques store and go til you come to the church, but there are a thousand antique stores and the churches have been turned into condominiums or antique stores.

TR: I think youíve got to be from here to find your way out of here.

GK: Soon as we get out of her, I want to find me a hotel and sit in a tub and take a bubble bath.

TR: You want a bubble bath, you need to eat more beans.

GK: Iím gonna take a bath and put on clean clothes and sit in a hotel lobby and learn how to make conversation again. The pleasure of civility—

TR: We became cowboys to get away from that.

GK: Going out to dinner with a handsome woman and sitting down to a nice table spread with white linen and silver and having some hors dovries and an nice imperative.

TR: What's an imperative?

GK: Itís a drink you have before dinner. (FOOTSTEPS IN BRUSH, BRUSH RUSTLING)

TR: Shhhh, shhh. Whoís this coming? Looks like a man in a suit.

GK: Howdy there—

AG: Good evening, gentlemen.

GK: Iím sorry if weíre camped on your land, mister. Weíre lost.

AG: Itís not my land so donít worry. You say youíre lost?

TR: Been lost for weeks.

AG: I seem to have somehow gotten separated from my chauffeur. She dropped me off so I could— well— you know— go—

TR: I know. Weíre cowboys. We do it all the time.

AG: I walked into the woods and when I walked out, she wasnít there.

GK: I see youíve got a cellphone—

AG: I do and I donít know how to work it.

TR: Looks like a fancy one.

AG: Plays music, videos, you can play games on it, get e-mail, it speaks sixteen languages, and I canít figure out how to make a phone call.

GK: You know— Iím probably all wrong about this but you sort of resemble Woody Guthrie—

AG: Iím his son. George W. Guthrie.

GK: The singer?

AG: No, the Republican.

GK: Aha. I never heard about you.

AG: And I pay people to make sure you donít.

GK: So Woody Guthrie had a son who went Republican. Interesting.

AG: It happens. Daddy was a freethinker.

GK: It didnít bother him?

AG: I donít think so. He came and borrowed money from me when I was eleven years old. Fifty thousand dollars.

TR: You had fifty thousand dollars when you were eleven?

AG: Saved my allowance. Didnít spend it on candy. I sold candy to other children. Invested in Treasury notes. And when Daddy couldnít pay back the loan, I took the house and I had him sign over the merchandising rights to all of his songs.

GK: What did you do with that?

AG: You ever hear of Roll On Columbia Roll On deodorant?

TR: We donít use deodorant. Just didnít seem to be a point to it.

AG: Got a 50,000 acre condominium development out in Montana called This Land Is Your Land, and a chain of Pastures of Plenty golf courses. Woody Guthrie jeans. A brand of luggage called Hard Travellin.

GK: You built yourself an empire.

AG: Well, Iíve worked hard for it, believe me.

(SS ON INTERCOM: INCOMPREHENSIBLE GIBBERISH)

GK: Thatís your cellphone.

AG: Itís my chauffeur, Ramona. — Iím here, Ramona. (SS GIBBERISH) Come in. (SS GIBBERISH) How do you work this thing?

GK: Try pressing this. (BEEP)

TR (WILLIE, SINGS):
Iím singing this song again
I just canít believe Iím singing this song again. (CLICK)

AG: No, thatís my iTunes.

GK: How about this one here? (BEEP)

(PIANO)

AG: No, thatís a video from the musical, ďWoodyĒ—

FN (SINGS): I am a hobo and I ride the rails
Iíve been in missions, hobo camps and jails
Iíve traveled all across the fifty states
I hop the freights, I hop the freights. (CLICK)

GK: Howíd the musical do?

AG: Not that well. It needed more dancing.

GK: Try this right here. (BEEP) (JAZZ SAX)

AG: Thatís iTunes. (CLICK) (BANJO) (CLICK) (DOG SINGING ďTHIS LAND IS YOUR LANDĒ (CLICK)

SS INCOMPREHENSIBLE GIBBERISH

AG: I just canít seem to get it to work.

GK: Your chauffeurís probably roaming around a few blocks from here.

AG: Thereís got to be some way to reach her. (TAPS CELLPHONE, AGAIN HARDER) Why wonít this thing work?

GK: Looks like tonight youíre going to be sleeping on the ground.

AG: Dang it.

TR: Hereís a blanket. Just check the area for rocks and tree roots.

GK: And donít get too close to the fire.

AG: This is crazy. Iíve got money— Iíve got credit cards on me—

TR: You can use them to pick your teeth. Work as good as floss. (CHOPPER FLIES OVER HIGH)

AG: Look— theyíre sending out search parties.

TR: He flies over every night. Somebody flying home from New York.

GK: Just relax, George. When morning comes weíll make a new attempt to figure out where we are. Meanwhile, just be grateful to be somewhere. Okay?

AG: I guess youíre right. This is what Daddy did — sleep on the ground — itís where his songs came from that grossed me 87 million dollars last year — up 14% from a year ago.

GK: Then just be glad for your luck.

AG: Iím trying. — You know, itíd help me sleep if youíd sing me a song.

TR: Oh no. Letís not go there.

AG: If I could request one — Daddy sang a song called ďDanville GirlĒ — itís the one song I never earned a nickel off of. There just are no merchandising possibilities with ďDanville GirlĒ —

GK: When you say there are no merchandising possibilities, I have to question whether youíre a Republican. Thereís a hat in it. And a cigar.

AG: But thereís no point to them. No message in the song. It just is.

GK: A piece of pure art.

AG: ďDanville GirlĒ just is ďDanville GirlĒ.

I went down to the railroad yard, Watch the train come by
Knew that train would roll that day But I did not know what time.

Good morning, Mister railroad man, what time does your train roll by?
Nine sixteen and two forty four, twenty five minutes Ďtil five.

Standing on the platform, smoking a big cigar,
Waitin' for some old freight train that carries an empty car.

I rode her down to Danville town, got stuck on a Danville girl,
Bet your life she was a pearl, she wore that Danville curl.

She wore her hat on the back of her head like high tone people all do,
Very next train come down that track, I bid that gal adieu.

I loved that girl, that Danville girl, I loved her good and true
The very next train come down that track, I bid that gal adieu.

GK: Goodnight, sir.

AG: Goodnight, Lefty.

(THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... brought to you by Trailblazer Placemats for the Trail. (WHINNY) (MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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