Guy Noir script
Saturday, April 25, 2009

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME UP AND OUT)

GK: It was late April and the weather had taken a turn toward summer. You saw women out on the street in clothing that made their gender hard to ignore. And you saw men, even men who went to good colleges and got good jobs in reputable firms, walking down the street in a suggestive way. (FN PIMP WALK WITH RAP RHYTHM) It was mating season for the young and the restless and naturally that meant business for me.

TR: So I met Jessica at a spring dance at the country club, Mr. Noir. She was standing on the patio in a white sleeveless dress, smoking a cigarette and there was the smell of lilacs in the air — lilacs, beautiful lilacs. And I had just learned that I would be receiving a quarter-million dollars a year for four years for the MacArthur genius prize.

GK: A genius prize. Congratulations. And what happened next?

TR: I knelt and I kissed her hand and I spoke to her in French which I had never spoken before in my life. I said, (FRENCH) which I have no idea what it means, but she threw herself into my arms and said a bunch of things in French. And I didn't know what she was saying.

GK: She was saying yes to romance.

TR: I thought so too and then she handed me a shovel and a wheelbarrow and put me to work doing her yard. Planting bushes and so on.

GK: And?

TR: So I've been doing her yard.

GK: What about the MacArthur genius prize?

TR: They took it away.

GK: Well, what you're describing, sir, is simply the natural course of romance. You fall in love, you fall over a cliff. It happens to people.

TR: I know, but that's not the question. My question is: what was I doing before I met Jessica? What did they give me the genius prize for?

GK: You don't remember?

TR: No idea.

GK: You were a research psychologist, sir. Doing ground-breaking research on the laws of attraction and why people are drawn to each other. You were on the verge of a major breakthrough. And now it's all gone.

TR: What a shame. I feel terrible.

GK: That'll be two hundred dollars.

TR: Now I feel even worse.

GK: So make it four hundred. (STING, BRIDGE) He paid me and he gave me a bottle of lilac spray. Marked ďVery DangerousĒ. I had clients hand over fist, I had appointments fifteen minutes apart.

SS (FLEXNER): Itís like this, Mr. Noir. Iím young, Iím attractive, Iím in good shape, Iím smart and have a terrific job, I own my own home, I have a multiplicity of interests, I have excellent social skills, I am a wonderful dancer, I read fifty books a year, and yet— I have never been on a second date. Never been on a second date. What is going on here?

GK: You have spinach in your front teeth.

SS (FLEXNER): Spinach!!!!

GK: A big clump of it and it looks like itís been there for awhile. Itís brownish and I see mold on it. (POP)

SS (NORMAL): Oh my gosh. Why didnít anybody tell me?

GK: Maybe they were afraid to.

SS (NORMAL): Iíve been going around with a handful of spinach sticking out of my teeth?

GK: Hey, it happens. Thatís why we have friends. Two hundred bucks.

SS (NORMAL): Two hundred bucks to tell me I have spinach in my teeth??

GK: You want me to put it back? (STING, BRIDGE) I was raking in the dough. And then I took one case too many. It was a tall slender fellow with a beautiful complexion. Yes, sir—

FN: Oh. Youíre talking to me.

GK: Yes, sir.

FN: Takes me awhile to get used to being addressed as ďsirĒ — you see, I just had a sex change operation.

GK: Oh. Well, you donít look it. So far as I can tell.

FN: Thanks.

GK: So you were a guy going around in a womanís body, huh?

FN: Actually this was my second sex change,

GK: Huh. A double reverse.

FN: Yes. I used to be Bob. I was married, three kids, doing well, but— I was just curious, you know— so I had it done. And it was fine. My wife and kids were fine with me being a woman. I became the aunt they never had. But my timing was poor. I became a woman just in time to go through menopause. No fun. So Iíve changed back. And Iím still getting used to it. Meanwhile, my wife married my brother. So Iím dating again, and Iím wondering if you could do me a favor and go on a blind date for me — Iím just so nervous about intimacy right now.

GK: I don't do blind dates. Sorry. Too many bitter experiences.

FN: I'll pay you five hundred bucks.

GK: What's her name?

FN:
Jessica.

GK: Jessica. (BRIDGE) I was in my office trying to remove a pimento from a back molar when she arrived—

SS: Bob? Hi. Iím Jessica.

GK: She was tall and dark and so beautiful you wanted to just give her all your money right way and skip the preliminaries.

SS: I've never met a psychiatrist before, Bob. Iím rather nervous.

GK: Well, donít be. Iím not a psychiatrist, Iím a podiatrist. And your feet in those little strappy pumps make me want to break the rules of my profession and hold your feet in my hands and kiss them.

SS: Thanks. Your voice is so warm and comforting ...

GK: Well, they teach you that in medical school.

SS: Did you and I ever speak on the telephone?

GK: If we had, I'd remember it the rest of my life. Believe me.

SS: Oh. I'm just sort of nervous. I don't usually go out on blind dates. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I'm feeling a little lost.

GK: Consider yourself found. So what do you want to know about me? Other than that Iím crazy about you.

SS: I just believe in taking these things slow, Bob.

GK: I believe that if youíre going to go over a cliff, you ought to get up speed so that you get some arc when you fall.

SS: Yeah, but I just broke up with Gino.

GK: Interesting name, Gino. You got a picture of him on you? I'm just curious.

SS: Yeah, right here.

GK: Kind of effeminate, isn't he?

SS: That's my Aunt Agnes. Here he is.

GK: Big guy with very well defined deltoids and pectorals. And a gun collector, I see.

SS: Are you sure we never talked before on the phone? I could swear you're a guy I almost made a date with once.

GK: Well, you've got a date with me now, so donít worry about it.

SS: So, tell me, what's it like to be a podiatrist?

GK: I'll show you. Let me have a look at your feet.

SS: Okay. (SEXY SAX)

GK: She took off her shoes, and put her bare feet in my lap. Each toe fit perfectly with the next, each little pink toenail— her instep, her ankles ...

SS: I've always felt my feet were too big.

GK: Jessica, your feet are what God meant when he said let there be feet. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)

GK: And suddenly, a great big guy in a black T-shirt was standing there and breathing down on me so I could feel the remaining hair on my head tremble like leaves on a tree right before the storm.

TR (RICO): Nice metaphor.

GK: Thank you.

TR (RICO): Youíre welcome. — Hey. How come you got my sweetie-pieís feet in your lap?

SS: Gino.

GK: I thought you said you broke up with him.

SS: I did. But I havenít told him yet.

TR (RICO): Like I was just saying, how come you got my girlfriendís feet in your lap?

GK: It's purely scientific, Gino.

TR (RICO): Huh?

GK: It's a survey. We're testing whether length of instep is related to the intelligence of the boyfriend.

TR (RICO): Not so fast—

GK: There. All done.

TR (RICO): What'd you say about my intelligence?

SS: Gino, there's something you and I need to talk about.

TR (RICO): First, I'm going to talk to him. Okay? You just implicated something about my intelligence.

GK: Gino, I am a very delicate older man. You hit me and you're going to have a great big mess on your hands ...

TR (RICO): Mister I am going to introduce you to a world of pain. I am going to hurt you so bad, you are going to get a memoir out of this. You know what I mean? (STING)

GK: And then it came back to me— the story about the guy on the porch, the smell of lilacs — lilacs— I reached for the lilac spray and I sprayed it on him. (SPRITZ)

TR (RICO): (FRENCH)

SS: Oh Gino— mon amour— Je t'aime. Tu es magnifique. Vous Ítes mon amour.

GK: So they were back together, thanks to lilacs. He put his big arm around her and as they were about to leave, he turned and gave me a right to the kisser — (TR SWING AND KONK AND GK OOHHHHH) — and I hit the deck (SFX) where before my eye swoll shut, I could see them walk out the door.

TR (RICO): Just cause I speak French donít mean I canít hurt you.

GK: Iíll keep that in mind. (THEME) So it goes in April. We old romantics, still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.

SS (MARILYN): Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: That's me, Baby.

(MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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