Swine script
Saturday, May 2, 2009

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GK: With everyone concerned about the swine flu, I thought it was time we ask someone of the swine family— you donít mind if I refer to you as a swine?

FN (PIG): No, not at all. Pigs are highly intelligent. More intelligent than dogs, not that thatís any sign of distinction. So Iím proud to be a member of the Suidae family. Or as we say, (TWO SNORTS).

GK: Thatís the name, Suidae?

FN (PIG): The family name, yes. Our species is Sus Domestica.

GK: Youíre very intelligent for a—

FN (PIG): —for a pig. Thatís what you were about to say. Wasnít it? Not bad for a pig.

GK: Iím sorry.

FN (PIG): I am a professor of classics at Vanderbilt University.

GK: Classics—

FN (PIG): Pig Latin.

GK: Okay— so— about the swine flu.

FN (PIG):: People who know about this refer to it as H1N1. Not swine flu.

GK: Okay, but to most people itís called swine flu because it originated with pigs.

FN (PIG): We donít know that.

GK: I thought we did.

FN (PIG): We donít know that. And anyway, people did not catch H1N1 from pigs. They catch it from each other. So we swine call it (THREE SNORTS)—

GK: Which means?

FN (PIG): People flu.

GK: Okay. So it canít be transmitted from pig to person.

FN (PIG): No, not at all.

GK: And you canít get swine flu so-called by eating pork—

FN (PIG): By what?

GK: Eating pork.

FN (PIG): I canít believe you said that.

GK: Iím sorry.

FN (PIG): You? You eat pork? You kill animals who have done nothing to you and you eat their flesh?????

GK: I donít eat that much pork.

FN (PIG): Oh, so that makes it all right. The occasional murder is fine.

GK: Iím sorry I offended you.

FN (PIG): Iíve been a fan of this show for years and let me tell you something — I am never going to give one more ear of corn to public radio. Never. No more.

GK: Okay, weíve been talking to a pig about the swine flu.

FN (PIG): You look sort of tasty yourself. Got a couple of nice hams on you, mister.

GK: Thank you very much.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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