A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Swine script
Saturday, May 2, 2009

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GK: With everyone concerned about the swine flu, I thought it was time we ask someone of the swine family— you don’t mind if I refer to you as a swine?

FN (PIG): No, not at all. Pigs are highly intelligent. More intelligent than dogs, not that that’s any sign of distinction. So I’m proud to be a member of the Suidae family. Or as we say, (TWO SNORTS).

GK: That’s the name, Suidae?

FN (PIG): The family name, yes. Our species is Sus Domestica.

GK: You’re very intelligent for a—

FN (PIG): —for a pig. That’s what you were about to say. Wasn’t it? Not bad for a pig.

GK: I’m sorry.

FN (PIG): I am a professor of classics at Vanderbilt University.

GK: Classics—

FN (PIG): Pig Latin.

GK: Okay— so— about the swine flu.

FN (PIG):: People who know about this refer to it as H1N1. Not swine flu.

GK: Okay, but to most people it’s called swine flu because it originated with pigs.

FN (PIG): We don’t know that.

GK: I thought we did.

FN (PIG): We don’t know that. And anyway, people did not catch H1N1 from pigs. They catch it from each other. So we swine call it (THREE SNORTS)—

GK: Which means?

FN (PIG): People flu.

GK: Okay. So it can’t be transmitted from pig to person.

FN (PIG): No, not at all.

GK: And you can’t get swine flu so-called by eating pork—

FN (PIG): By what?

GK: Eating pork.

FN (PIG): I can’t believe you said that.

GK: I’m sorry.

FN (PIG): You? You eat pork? You kill animals who have done nothing to you and you eat their flesh?????

GK: I don’t eat that much pork.

FN (PIG): Oh, so that makes it all right. The occasional murder is fine.

GK: I’m sorry I offended you.

FN (PIG): I’ve been a fan of this show for years and let me tell you something — I am never going to give one more ear of corn to public radio. Never. No more.

GK: Okay, we’ve been talking to a pig about the swine flu.

FN (PIG): You look sort of tasty yourself. Got a couple of nice hams on you, mister.

GK: Thank you very much.