Guy Noir script
Saturday, June 6, 2009

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to lifeís persistent questionsÖ..Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(PIANO UNDER)

GK: It was June and I was in Los Angeles, visiting an old friend named Johnny Lasagna who I met years ago when I was in Hollywood trying to get work in pictures. Long story. I always liked Johnny, though sometimes I canít remember why. (BRIDGE)

MS: Hey hey hey hey hey ---- youíre beautiful. Hey, címon. Whatís with the handshake? Gimme a hug, ya big nuthin. (SQUEEZE) Good to see ya, Guy.

GK: Good to see you.

MS: Those were the days, huh? Huh? (SINGS) Those were the days, my friend, I thought theyíd never end.

GK: Those were the days indeed. ---- (FOOTSTEPS) Nice place you got, Johnny. Nice view of the street.

MS: Yeah, 100 Billion Sold.

GK: Palm trees. Very nice. And a nice view of the parking lot so you can keep your eye on your car.

MS: Well, I donít have a car anymore. No, I gave it up. Environment. It was the least I could do.

GK: You told me last week itíd been repossessed.

MS: Oh yeah. Well, that too. Anyway--- this is my clock collection here. This is my big passion in life, Guy. This and the dogs.

GK: You have dogs?

MS: No, no. ----- Other peopleís dogs. I walk dogs. Best job I ever had. I love it. And my clocks. My Swiss clock. (CUCKOO) And my English clock. (THREE DEEP BONGS). This is a French one. Eighteenth century. (LITTLE HUNTING HORN) This oneís from India. (TABLA) This is my old Route 66 Clock. (OLD AUTO HORN) Very rare.

GK: Uh huh. I read in the paper about a clock collection stolen from an old manís house in Santa Monica. Very valuable.

MS: I didnít hear about that.

GK: There was a detailed description of the stolen goods.

MS: Iíll have to check that out.

GK: I seem to remember a Route 66 clock being among them.

MS: -----(BEAT) Itís so great of you to come out here, Guy. Just like the old days. That summer you and I went around auditioning for parts -----

GK: So youíre not in movies anymore, I take it.

MS: I took a break from movies, Guy. They just got to be so shallow, so empty. Iím selling home aromatherapy kits now ---- and Iím a music producer ----Iím busier than Iíve ever been ---- and Iím walking dogs. I love dogs. I mean that. My walks with dogs are the most meaningful parts of my day.

GK: Uh huh.

MS: Itís a time when I can get outside myself ---- you know?Ē

GK: Okay.

MS: But what I called you about is this---- Iíve written a screenplay. And I want you to locate Susie Weill the movie producer ---- follow her ----- find out where she exercises -------- where she eats lunch ----- and where would be the best place for me to ---- you know----

GK: Run into her and give her your screenplay.

MS: Yeah ---- (DOOR BELL) Excuse me. Got a visitor. ---- Come on up, itís 3J. Take the stairs, the elevatorís broken. ---- (BUZZER)

GK: Susie Weil, huh. I thought she mostly did musicals.

MS: Sheís hot right now. She can get anything made that she wants to make. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, come in. Doorís unlocked.

(DOOR OPEN)

HM: Mr. Hammerfest?

MS: Hi, Ashley. Come on in, kid. Iíll get set up in a minute. (BRIDGE)

GK: She was a singer-songwriter, you could tell right away. The long blonde hair down her back, the eccentric outfit, a vest and blouse and skirt sewn by aboriginal people somewhere -----

MS: Ashley is a singer-songwriter, Guy. Sheís going to be huge one of these days and meanwhile she records jingles for me.

HM: Iím playing at the Grocery next Thursday, if you want to come.

MS: Thursday is my yoga night. I wish I could but---- when I skip yoga, I donít like myself anymore.

GK: Whatís the Grocery?

HM: Whatís the Grocery?

MS: Itís a supermarket.

GK: Oh. A grocery.

MS: But they have performance spaces. Which one you doing?

HM: I got Produce .

MS: Produce! Wow. Thatís the best. ---- Produce. Lotta big time agents and producers buying their Swiss chard and their pomegranates ----- thatís terrific, kid. Iím proud of you. ----- Okay. Okay. You ready to do one? Here. You want me to play the track for you?

HM: No. I remember it.

MS: Okay. Here you go. (ORGAN TRACK UNDER)

HM (SINGS):
Sidneyís
Twenty-four-hour Bail Bond Service.
You can be free.
Call Sidney.
Heís always there for you.
Idney.

MS: Beautiful. Thatís great. Letís do the other one. (ORGAN TRACK UNDER)

HM: (SINGS): Fluff & Fold Laundromat,
We will fold your clothes flat,
Shirts and pants and underthings---
No need for any ironing.
And every sock will have its mate
Fluff & Fold. Weíre open late.

MS: Beautiful.

GK: So you do commercial jingles, huh?

MS: Itís a sideline. The home aromatherapy kits are really taking off. You want one?

GK: No thanks.

MS: And at three oíclock Iíve got fourteen dogs to walk. Thatís my ďquality timeĒ. (DOORBELL)

MS: Come in, take the stairs, the elevatorís broken, Iím in 3J. (BUZZER)

MS: Anyway, this screenplay of mine ---- itís about a kid who wants to be an actor but heís really attached to his old horse so he canít come to L.A. because heís got this horse to take care of ----he lives up in the hills ---- and years go by and he can see the lights of L.A. down below but heís devoted to the horse and his parents died in a plane crash so there he is, and then he decides heíll take the horse with him, and they walk from way up in the mountains down to Paramount Pictures and somebody there says, ďHey, we need an old horse ---- weíre shooting ĎBlack Beautyí ---- and the horse hears that, ďWeíre shooting Black BeautyĒ and he rears up and takes off running -----

(FOOTSTEPS)

TR: Mr. LaSagna ---- itís me, Tony.

MS: Tony---- I asked you to give me a couple weeks.

TR: We gave you a month, Mr. LaSagna.

MS: Would it kill you to give me two more weeks?

TR: Itís overdue. It was due in January.

MS: Iím fully cognizant of that. Give me two hours.

TR: I got a busy day today.

MS: How about two minutes?

TR: Okay. Two minutes.

MS: Thank you. ---- Ashley, sweetheart ---- I gotta record this jingle ---- the guy is taking away the recorder and the microphones, okay? Can we do this?

HM: What about my song?

MS: Work with me, sweetheart. Okay? Letís just do this. Thank you. (ORGAN TRACK)

HM (SINGS): If you want your car looking new,
Wash & Wax, detailing too.
Old chrome look like brand-new ---
Hereís what you have to do:
Come to Geneís Automotive Styling
And youíll be smiling.

MS: Beautiful.

HM: Can I do my song now?

MS: Listen, this is a temporary thing, okay? A misunderstanding with the finance company. Next week, Iím back in business. ((DOORBELL)

MS: Come in, take the stairs, the elevatorís broken, Iím in 3J. (BUZZER)

TR: I really should start packing up that recording equipment.

MS: Five minutes, Iím in the middle of something now----

GK: So you were telling me the story of the screenplay.

MS: Yeah, itís about a kid who wants to get into the movies.

GK: You told me that ---- heís down at Paramount Pictures and somebody is going to shoot Black Beauty and he takes off running----

MS: Who takes off?

GK: The horse.

MS: Whose horse?

GK: The kid who wants to get into pictures.

MS: Right, thatís what I said, itís about a kid who wants to get into movies and he lives up in the mountains.

GK: And he canít audition because he has this horse.

MS: No, no, no ----- thatís an earlier version. I rewrote all of that.

GK: So he doesnít take his horse to Paramount?

MS: No, thatís not in it anymore. He has a dog and they go to Ventura. (FOOTSTEPS) FN: Hi. Iím from 3K. You gotta stream of visitors coming to my apartment.

MS: Sorry. (DOOR SLAM)

TR: Iíve got to go, Iíve got another appointment, Mr. LaSagna.

MS: Go then. Do what you gotta do.

TR: Iím supposed to take the recorder with me.

MS: Come back for it. Iím here. Iím not going anywhere.

GK: I still donít get the story here---- could we start at the beginning----- itís a kid who wants to be in movies, right? ((DOORBELL)

MS: Come in, take the stairs, the elevatorís broken, Iím in 3J. (BUZZER)

MS: When you track down Suzy Weill, just tell her the story, donít give her the screenplay. Itís still a little rough. Just tell her the story.

GK: The story of the boy who wants to get into movies but he canít because he has to take care of his horse.

MS: Not a horse. A dog. (DOOR OPENS. DOGS POUR IN. DOGS WOOFING, SNIFFING)

MS: Here they are. My pals. My little pals. Okay, fellas---- letís go for a walk, whaddaya say.

TR: I gotta take the recorder with me, sorry, I gotta do it.

GK: Johnny, whatís the title of the screenplay----

MS: Itís called ďShooting Black BeautyĒ-----

GK: I thought that was out.

MS: Itís all up for discussion, okay? Itís a work in progress. Take care of it. Iíll be back in half an hour. (DOGS GOING OUT THE DOOR, DOOR SLAM)

GK: The room gets very quiet without Johnny here.

TR: Iíve gotta take this recording stuff away.

HM: Could I just record one song? Are you a friend of Mr. LaSagnaís?

GK: I guess I am. We were in a movie called ďRio Mississippi Ē ----- it was about migrant workers. Writers.

HM: I never heard of it.

GK: Neither did anybody else. It died a merciful death.

(DOORBELL)

GK: Come in, take the stairs, the elevatorís broken, weíre in 3J. (BUZZER)

TR: Okay, Iím leaving now. Sorry.

GK: Itís okay. Youíre just doing your job.

(DOORBELL)

GK: Take the stairs, elevatorís broken, 3J. (BUZZER) (DOOR OPENS)

SS: Hello? Iím Suzy Weil.

GK: The producer?

SS: Of course. ---- Ashley! What are you doing here?

HM: Hi, Mom. I came to record a song.

SS: Oh. Thatís nice.

GK: What brings you here, Miss Weil?

SS: I ordered a home aromatherapy kit and it arrived and Iíve got three eucalyptus and no hyacinth and no chamomile.

GK: Iíll have somebody at the warehouse look into it immediately. Howís the movie business?

SS: Never better. The economyís down and that means people are looking for entertainment. Dance! Thatís the big thing in pictures today. People canít get enough of it.

(DOORBELL)

GK: Take the stairs, the elevatorís broken, itís 3J. (BUZZER)

SS: You want a ride home, Ashley?

HM: I want to stay and sing my song.

SS: I can wait in the car.

HM: Up to you.

SS: Iíll wait. ---- Nice meeting you, Mr. ---

GK: Noir.

SS: Nice meeting you. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

GK: I suppose with a mom like that, you could get all sorts of jobs.

HM: I know, but I want to make it on my own.

GK: Well, thatís very brave.

(DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)

MS: I forgot my keys. (FOOTSTEPS, RUMMAGING) I thought you were gonna go find that movie producer for me.

GK: I found her. She left thirty seconds ago. You mustíve passed her on the stairs.

MS: Handsome woman, black hair, black hornrims?

GK: That was Suzy Weil.

MS: Whatíd she think of the screenplay?

GK: She likes it, she thought it was brilliant, but you should change the boy to a girl and change the horse to a boyfriend. And she doesnít want to get into movies, she wants to get into ballet.

MS: But she liked it. Basically.

GK: She loved it. It just needs to be tweaked a little.

MS: Great. Thanks. Okay----- gotta go to the dogs.

GK: I thought youíd already gone.

(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

GK: So whatís the song about?

HM: Itís about being true.

GK: Okay. Just sing it for me. Iíd love to hear it. (ORGAN)

HM: (SINGS) Oh baby, baby
Stay by my side
I want you, I need you
Despite my foolish pride.
Hold me close, darling
Youíre my dream come true
Our love is forever
Iím lost without you

GK: Thatís nice.

HM: Thereís more. (SINGS)
Oh baby baby
Stay by my side----


GK: You already sang that.

HM: Oh. Sorry. (SHE STARTS AGAIN)
Oh baby baby
I canít let you go.
I gave you my heart
That night long ago.
Iíll always love you
All my life through
Iíll be yours forever
What else can I do?
(CLOCKS GO OFF. FIRST CUCKOO. THEN FRENCH. THEN ROUTE 66. BRIDGE)

GK: Heís the cheerfullest man I know, Johnny LaSagna, always looking ahead, and when we said goodbye the next day, the screenplay was gone and forgotten.

MS: Iíve got a liquid spray that when you spray it on your hands, it can help you find things youíve lost.

GK: Like what?

MS: Car keys. Glasses. Billfold.

GK: How does that work?

MS: Sympathetic vibrations. Overtones. I donít know. You spray it on your car keys and then on your hands and you can find things.

GK: How long does it last?

MS: Fifteen minutes.

GK: So if youíd just sprayed this on your car keys, then probably they wouldnít be lost.

MS: Well, thatís my point. And then you spray it on your hands and you can find them.

GK: Find your hands?

MS: Car keys. Itís gonna be big. Want to go in with me on a franchise?

GK: No, but if they ever do a remake of ďRio MississippiĒ Iím there.

MS: Itís a deal.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to lifeís persistent questionsÖ..Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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