Sheen script
Saturday, June 6, 2009

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GK: Many people think they know Martin Sheen as an actor but those are people who aren't familiar with his early career at Republic Pictures.

MS: No— please don't show those clips.

GK: This was from Martin's very early career when he was sort of searching for himself.

MS: Nobody wants to see these—

GK: This is from "Boatsmen Away!" (OUTBOARD MOTOR) —

MS: He's out here. Somewhere. The great white walleye. He took my hook, line and sinker. And now he's coming after my shoes. (MOTOR SHUTS DOWN, COUGHS, DIES) I've been seeing him in my dreams for a year now. And tonight I'm going to see him in a frying pan. (CAST AND SPLASH)

GK: That movie didn't do so well, the special effects, him being eaten by a walleye weren't great (SFX) so they tried casting Martin as a daddy.

MS: You're not going to show that clip from "Goodbye, Mister Mittens" are you???

GK: This is a scene from "Goodbye, Mister Mittens"—

(MEOW)

MS (SOFTLY): We're going to have to put Mr. Mittens down, Kayla.

SS (KID): Good. I'm glad.

MS (SOFTLY): Mr. Mittens is very sick, honey. And he's 34 years old. (MEOW)

SS (KID): He's old and he smells bad. Good riddance.

MS (SOFTLY): I know it's hard. But he'll never be far from our thoughts.

SS (KID): I hope you're wrong about that.

MS (SOFTLY):Death is not the end. It's a new beginning. (MEOW) Mr. Mittens will live on in our memory.

SS (KID): I wish we could get fish instead.

GK: Unfortunately "Goodbye, Mister Mittens" came out around the same time as a B-movie called "Grapefruit Face" — not one of his great career moments.

(DARK MUSIC)

MS: You used to wear makeup, Darlene, and now— you look like a plate of hash browns! Your eyebrows are as big as fruitbats. All you do is sit there in your housedress and play solitaire and eat Cheese-Whiz and listen to the radio. Well, I'm done. Hear me? I'm out of here. (DOOR SLAM)

(SS SOBS)

GK: And for those people, it was harder to see him in roles like this—

MS: This isn't "Johnny Potato" is it? Please don't do this—

GK: This is Martin Sheen in "Johnny Potato"—

(JAUNTY IRISH MUSIC)

MS (IRISH): Now all you good people, I know we're suffering from a potato famine. But potatoes aren't the only vegetable in the world. No, for mercy's sake. So I am going to plant these special plants that come to us from America. They're called arugula, they are. (IRISH CHEERS) And they're quite grand with a honey vinaigrette dressing, they are. So, life is good. Let's all hold hands and sing! (IRISH SONG, FADE OUT)

GK: Somehow Republic Pictures just couldn't figure out who Martin Sheen was supposed to be— and the next picture was "Plug The Meter"

(GUN COCKS)

MS (THUG): Give me the money Doris.

SS: I swear, I don't got it Tommy.

MS (THUG): I saw you shove it down your front. I know it's there don't make me rip it out.

SS: I swear, Tommy, I don't got it. (RRIPP, COINS FALL OUT) Okay I got it, but it's all in quarters.

MS (THUG): It's quarters I'm after Doris. I gottta (GUN COCKS) Plug the meter.

SS: I thought you already cocked that gun.

MS (THUG): I recocked it.

SS: What you need to plug the meter for?

MS (THUG): I don't want to get a parking ticket when I just got done sticking up the liquor store right in front of where my car is illegally parked, that's why.

SS: But why didn't you drive away in the car as soon as you stuck up the liquor store?

MS (THUG): Always a smart answer from you, isn't it. You got all the answers.

SS: I'm only saying it makes sense to drive away. That's why they call it a getaway car. (SIREN OFF)

MS (THUG): You see what you done? You wouldn't hand over no quarters so now I'm going up the river, Doris. You happy? Huh? You happy?

GK: After "Plug The Meter" the studio decided to do a remake of "Mister Mittens" called "Goodbye Mister Nibbles" — not a big success.

(MEOW)

MS (SOFTLY): We're going to have to put Mr. Nibbles down, Timmy.

TR: Dad. I'm 46 years old now. I can handle this myself.

MS (SOFTLY): Mr. Nibbles has a bladder infection that is very serious and I think I may have caught it from him.

TR: Dad, I think you need to lie down.

MS (SOFTLY): Sometimes God does things for a reason, Timmy.

TR: I know, Dad, and that's why we put you here in assisted living. (FOOTSTEPS OFF, MEOW)

MS: What are you talking about, Timmy?

TR: This isn't Mr. Nibbles, Dad. It's Scooter. Mr. Nibbles died years ago.

MS: Okay...I'm glad we had this conversation, Timmy.

GK: That was the end of his contract at Republic Pictures and Martin was glad to leave and then he was signed to "West Wing" and he became President of the United States.

MS: Thank God.

GK: Wait, we missed one — Republic Pictures cast him as a hoofer in the "Dancing Shoes" — remember?

Let's play that clip.

(TAP WARM UP)

MS (SINGING): Here we go, up on our toes
Doin' a lowdown ballet
Down the street on dancing feet
Dance all our troubles away.
Wave your hands, do a hi-de-ho
Shuffle off to Buffalo
Chase away those Saturday blues
In our Dancing Shoes.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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