Guy Noir script
Saturday, June 13, 2009

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UNDER)

GK: It was June and I was in Cincinnati, called in to help out a guy who was working up a circus act involving trained pigs.

FN: Pigs are smart, Mr. Noir. They're smarter than dogs, smarter than horses. (PIGS) Look at these guys here. (PIGS) They can do pigonometry, they can do Latin.

GK: Pig Latin.

FN: Yes, of course. And they can use a telephone—

GK: Pigs use a telephone?

FN: They can make calls on a telephone.

GK: Okay, but it's hog calling.

FN: Of course. So what? And pigs can be trained to do laundry.

GK: Really?

FN: They can sort clothes, put them in the washer—

GK: That's hogwash.

FN: So what's wrong with that?

GK: What you going to have them do in the circus?

FN: Fly.

GK: Pigs flying?

FN: Watch— Okay, Earl. Spread your wings. Spread ‘em. (PIG, OFF) (WINGS UNFURL)

GK: Wow. Nice wings.

FN: Go, Earl. (PIG, OFF) Come on, baby. Fly, Earl! (PIG, OFF, AND SWOOP, AND PIG PASSING WHILE SQUEALING IN EXCITEMENT) Loop the loop, Earl! (PIG LOOPS)

GK: You got yourself a heck of a circus act, mister. (PIG FLIES PAST) So what do you need me for?

FN: I need you to help me figure out how to get email on my telephone.

GK: You've got a p.c. right there, why not use that?

FN: The pigs use it.

GK: All the time?

FN: They're online morning, noon, and night.

GK: Tell ‘em to quit hogging the computer. (STING, BRIDGE) My plane didn't leave Cincinnati for a few hours so I headed down to a little café called Mom's Lunch. (DISHES RATTLING)

SS: Yeah, what can I get you?

GK: You got chili?

SS: Got Cincinnati chili.

GK: That's the one with all the spaghetti and beans, right?

SS: Cincinnati Chili.

GK: Right. How about regular chili?

SS: That is regular chili.

GK: I mean chili chili. Like what you get in a can.

SS: Ours doesn't come from a can.

GK: The kind with beans and some ground beef.

SS: Never heard of it.

GK: How about a salad?

SS: Got a Cincinnati salad.

GK: What's that?

SS: Spaghetti, beans, chili, and salad.

GK: Okay. How about fried chicken?

SS: Got Cincinnati fried chicken.

GK: Never mind. Okay, Cincinnati chili then.

SS: You want that three-way, four-way or five way?

GK: Uh. What's five-way?

SS: That's spaghetti, chili, cheese, beans, and onions.

GK: And four way?

SS: We got four-way onion or four-way bean.

GK: How about two-way, beans and chili?

SS: We don't do two-way. Just three-way, four-way, or five-way.

GK: Four way.

SS: Onion or bean.

GK: Onion.

SS: We're out of onion.

GK: Bean then. And hold the spaghetti.

SS: You want the spaghetti on the side?

GK: That's fine.

SS: But you're going to eat the spaghetti, right?

GK: Of course.

SS: Not going to throw it out when my back is turned—

GK: Wouldn't dream of it.

SS: You want that dry or wet?

GK: You mean with sauce—

SS: You want it wet?

GK: Sure. Is it hot sauce?

SS: Is it hot sauce, you ask? Let me put it this way — it's so hot that we keep our toilet paper in the freezer. If you get my drift.

GK: I think I'll have it dry then.

SS: (LOUD) A Cincy Four— dry, worms on the side.

FN (OFF): Cincy four, dry, worms on the side.

GK: So you're from Cincinnati?

SS: Please?

GK: I say, you're from Cincinnati?

SS: Yeah. Born here, lived here ever since, never left.

GK: You like it better here than in Kentucky?

SS: Never been to Kentucky.

GK: Right across the river.

SS: Never saw a reason to go. The mister's been to Minnesota, though.

GK: That's where I live.

SS: I know.

GK: How do you know that?

SS: Because of all you don't know about Cincinnati.

FN: Here's your Cincinnati Chili four-way wet. Spaghetti on the side.

GK: I ordered it dry.

FN: It isn't as good dry.

GK: There's a lot of sauce on that.

FN: Sauce is what you eat Cincinnati Chili for. Without the sauce you might as well order Chicago Chili.

GK: What's that?

FN: Cincinnati without the spaghetti or the sauce.

GK: That's what I was hoping for.

FN: Then you ought to go to Chicago.

GK: You people seem to be a little inflexible.

FN: Try it, you'll like it.

SS: Best Cincinnati chili anywhere.

FN: Especially in Cincinnati.

GK: Okay.

SS: Go get him some iced tea, Jimmy.

FN: Sweet or unsweet?

SS: I'd say he could use some sweetening.

FN: Okay— What's the matter with him? He's got steam coming out of his eyeballs.

SS: It's good for him. Maybe we should pour some cold beer on him—

FN: Okay (POP TOP, POURING) Is he breathing?

SS: Breathe, Mr. Noir! — Yeah, he's okay. Just a little overwhelmed by Cincinnati four-way.

FN: Maybe we better get out the paddles.

SS: Naw. He's just stunned, that's all. Same thing happened to those first-round draft picks the Bengals paid all that money for. Brought em in, put too much sauce on the chili and it made them thoughtful and introspective. Ruined ‘em as football players, made ‘em into poets.

FN: You know something— I'm gonna put the paddles on him.

SS: Mr. Noir, you want me to get the toilet paper out of the freezer? Mr. Noir? Take a big drink of water. Here you go--

FN: Get the water away. Stand back. Stand back. Contact. (PADDLES ZAPPING)

SS: He blinked.

FN: He'll be okay. One more. (PADDLES ZAPPING) (BRIDGE)

GK: I have no specific memory of being in Cincinnati. I remember there is a river and hills. And beyond that I don't remember. You say there were flying pigs, I won't say you're making it up, I just don't remember. And you know, I can't wait to go back.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir. Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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