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Dad script
Saturday, June 20, 2009
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GK: It’s Father’s Day weekend, a confusing day because people aren’t sure what it is that dads do. We know what moms do.
SS (IN LABOR): Oh my god. Oh my god. This is the worst moment of my life. Why don’t you just cut me in half with a chainsaw!!!!! I hurt so bad — DO YOU HEAR ME???? THIS IS TORTURE. Shoot me or something. Give me another spinal!!!!! Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Ahhhhhhh. (INFANT CRY)
GK: That’s what mothers do. And what about dads? We’re not sure.
TR: Hey. How’s it goin’ there? Hi, little fella. I’m your dad. Remember me? Hello? (BABY STARTS TO FUSS, AND THEN CRY) Don’t cry. Hey— Okay, hang on, I’ll get your mom.
GK: Maybe your dad taught you how to throw a baseball (KID WINDS UP, THROWS, GLASS BREAKAGE). Maybe dad brought you home a pony. (HORSE) Maybe he told you a few jokes. (TR: So anyway what did the fish say when he ran into the concrete wall? He said, Dam. FN KID: Why did he say that?) And Dad taught you basic values. (TR: You dropped your dollar down the storm sewer — it’s gone now — and there’s no replacement dollar. FN: Oh. ) Dad did stuff with you. While Mom was busy vacuuming (SFX) and washing your clothes (SFX) and mowing the lawn (SFX) and cultivating the fields (TRACTOR) and feeding the livestock (PIGS, CHICKENS) and keeping varmints away (GUNSHOTS), your dad took you to the zoo — (TR: That right there is an orangutang, son. Yessir. FN: What is he doing with that other orangutang, dad? TR: You’d better ask your mother about that, okay? FN: Okay.) And when it came time, your dad taught you how to drive a car.
TR: No no. Don’t put it in Drive, Reverse. Reverse! (SCREECH, CRUNCH OF WOOD) Stop, stop. (BIG REV) No the brake! (ACCEL) Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh—(TRAIN APPROACH) Stop, Stop stop. (DOPPLER OF TRAIN HORN) -(SCREAMING)
GK: It was dad who made you into a motorist. Dad who ponied up for your college tuition.
TR: Twenty-seven thousand dollars. Okay, let me get out my checkbook. Twenty-seven— what did you say? Did you say THOUSANDS? Twenty-seven thou— (HE FAINTS, CRASHES TO THE FLOOR) —
GK: It was dad who was there for you when you and Helmut announced your engagement.
SS: Daddy, this is Helmuth.
FN (DEEP INCOMPREHENSIBLE):
GK: And he was there when you dumped Helmuth for Barry.
SS: Daddy, this is Barry.
FN (SINGS):
He’s your papa
And I love him like he was my own
He’s your papa
And I’m glad we’re moving into his home.
GK: Dad has stood by you at all these moments in your life and that’s why Dad is skipping Father’s Day today — he has earned the right to a day off from Fatherhood — Dad is out on Lake Superior — aboard his boat (BOAT RIGGING, WAVES, WIND) and he’s tan and trim and— (LAUGHTER) there’s a whole bunch of young stylish people with him — and it’s nobody you know— (WOMANLY LAUGHTER) and they think he’s cool — and he looks like he’s having a great time without you— (TR TENOR ARIA). Happy Father’s Day.
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