A Prairie Home Companion: June 27, 2009

ELCA script
Saturday, June 27, 2009

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GK: After this message from the Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency. The ELCA. Some people go to therapists for nurturing, but if it’s the plain truth you want, then try Evelyn Lundberg.

SS (EVELYN): Well look at you, for crying out loud. You went out and got yourself a sunburn. Well, la di da. House is a mess and you’re out lounging in the sun. My gosh you look like a lobster right out of the pot. That is not attractive. Hurts, too, I’ll betcha. Well, that’s what you get for going to the beach. Slicking yourself up with expensive sunscreen and lying out there like a salmon on a plank. And you got a sunburn. What’d you think was gonna happen? Huh? You put raw meat under the broiler, don’t be surprised when it gets cooked. Okay? If you didn’t want to go to Chicago, then why’d you get on the train? Ever read about skin cancer? Huh? You want to wind up looking like a lizard when you’re 65?

You don’t have the sense that God gave geese. If you ask me, you are a ten-dollar haircut on a 59 cent head. Shape up. Put on a long-sleeved shirt next time. Wear a hat with a brim. And get busy cleaning out your basement. You been down there lately? You’d think homeless people lived in your house. Why don’t you just get a grocery cart and walk around town with it? Huh? You’ve got work to do so don’t let me catch you lying around in the sun, trying to get a tan. You want a tan, I’ll tan you with a stick, and I don’t mean maybe...

SS: Go put some aloe lotion on it and quit feeling sorry for yourself or I’ll give you something to feel sorry about and I don’t mean maybe.

GK: A message from the ELCA. The Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency.