September 26, 2009
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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The Rules (Blue Eyes)

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SS: What blue eyes are you talking about?

GK: Excuse me?

SS: You were saying something about blue eyes? Someone crying in the rain?

GK: Oh. Right. Just someone I used to know.

SS: Who?

GK: Her name was — why do you ask?

SS: I just want to know.

GK: Her name was Joanne.

SS: Oh. Girlfriend?

GK: Yes.

SS: Tell me about her— what was she like? (KLAXON) TR (ROBOT): Do not answer this question. Go back. Go back. Go back.

GK: Well, she was very very beautiful.

TR: Do not tell your current girlfriend about an old girlfriend in any sort of favorable terms. Never. Not even when she says...

SS: What was she like?

GK: She had a slender well-proportioned body and her skin was silken and her hair hung in damp tendrils when she emerged from the shower and her blue eyes were wet as if she'd been crying in the rain and that was so beautiful I remembered it through the ages.

SS: Oh. Then why did you leave her if she was so wonderful. Why aren't you with her right now this minute rather than stuck here with big fat ugly ME??? (SOBS) (STING)

TR: See your mistake?

GK: I see it now.

TR: Let's rewind that wrong answer. (REWIND SFX)

SS: Tell me about her — what was she like?

GK: I don't remember. I was into heavy drugs at the time.

SS: What do you remember about her?

GK: Well, she was pretty in a superficial sort of way. She was obsessed with fitness and it was that obsession that drove her to take the steroids that destroyed her and have all the cosmetic surgery that made her skin slimy like a salamander and that's why she loved to go out in the rain.

SS: And what about her blue eyes? You remember them, don't you—

GK: She had brown eyes and the steroids turned them blue.

SS: But they were beautiful in the rain—

GK: It was an unnatural shade of blue. A sort of cobalt blue. They looked radioactive.

SS: But you remember them—

GK: Well—

SS: Through the ages...

GK: I don't know about that.

SS: And you went out in the rain with her. Right. You went out in the rain—And whenever it rains, you think of her. Don't you. Don't you. (SOBS)

TR: See where you took the wrong turn there?

GK: Got it.

TR: Let's rewind back to “what about her blue eyes” — (REWIND)

SS: And what about her blue eyes? You remember them, don't you—in the twilight glow and everything—

GK: I remember them in horror. They terrified me. And the glow was a weird unnatural glow —

SS: What was it like to kiss her?

GK: I never kissed her.

SS: Never? But you lived together for eleven years.

GK: I never kissed her. Never wanted to kiss her.

SS: Did you ever—

GK: No. Of course not.

SS: Never?

GK: The thought was repellent to me.

SS: You're lying.

GK: I am.

SS: Thank you.

GK: You're welcome. (BRIDGE)

TR: Let's review. Never speak fondly of an old girlfriend to a current girlfriend. Never.

GK: What about in a memoir?

TR: Never.

GK: But what if she—

TR: She's not.

GK: But she was.

TR: No, she was not. Joanne was evil. This is Joanne in your memoir.

SS (DEEP, HEAVY BREATHING, HELL VIXEN): You are in the glow of my twilight and looking deep into my blue eyes and you will do whatever I tell you to do.

GK: That didn't sound like her.

TR: That was her.

GK: Okay. Whatever.

TR: Do not speak fondly of an old girlfriend to a new girlfriend.

GK: Okay. Got it.

SS: And tell me about Mary Louise Johnson.

GK: Never knew a Mary Louise Johnson.

SS: But it's tattooed on your arm.

GK: I had a cocker spaniel named Mary Louise. Mary Louise Johnson. Here, I'll burn it off right now (BLOWTORCH) There. All gone.

SS: So you're telling me that before me, you never—

GK: Never.

SS: Honest?

GK: No...

SS: You're lying to me.

GK: Yes.

SS: I love you.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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